Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

I'm another one thinking that going back to pre-school this year and starting Year 1 in September might be best for her. She's been through a really tough illness at such a vulnerable stage in her development. I think she needs more support at the moment rather than the tough love approach. Hopefully she will feel more comfortable in familiar surroundings and with people she knows, and hopefully that will increase her confidence. Being July-born, there'll be children in her current school class who are nearly a year older, which is a big difference at that age, even if she hadn't been unwell and unable to learn for so long. I don't know how flexible the Portuguese school system is, as I don't think the UK school system is flexible enough. Good luck. I hope you find a solution that works for all of you x

Op's dd would be year 3 age in September, having missed the whole of ks1. Even going back one year would be challenging.

How old would she be? Most schools can be persuaded to move someone back a year but obviously not 2. If you got back to the UK by September would she theoretically be starting in year 2? If so given her illness and the fact she’s been schooled in a different language I don’t think her moving back one year would be that problematic for most schools. Lots of schools have spaces at the moment. It does depend on the particular school/ local authority though so if you have an idea of where you’d be moving back to if you did I would speak to a few schools.

What is she able to do at home in terms of reading/ writing? I know that in our school a few kids started in year 1 working below the curriculum level but were able to catch up with interventions/ external support where needed.

She is usually ok with dad and at her neighbour friends houses-they’re v close by and she knows them v well. However at the start, she would not let either of us leave the house (part of the illness is separation anxiety) and she still has periods where she has a wobble and only wants them to come to our house

If dropping back a year isn't an option would the school let you scale the phased start back from a full morning to maybe just an hour and try and build it up once your daughter is doing that comfortably. If she could attend for a short but positive period of time then it might start building her confidence and lessen the fear of being away from home/you. Even though this is hard I wouldn't be tempted to jump to homeschooling at this stage as your preference is for her to go to school. Also is there any option to see a therapist to help her work through the worries she has about being away from home?

Would she cope better if your dh took her to school?

How did your kids get better? It’s been pure hell, the hardest time of our life

That works as long as she actually can cope in extremis - some children just can't, and this approach will break them.

She can read and write in English fluently, she can do some punctuation-capital letter, full stops, exclamation marks and spells well…handwriting needs some work. Her Numeracy is good, she loves maths and is good at it. We’ve done all this for fun over the years.

You can't use another child as an informal 1-2-1 or emotional support person (making sure the seating plan puts her near a friend in lessons - fine, assigning a child to buddy her full-time - exploitation).
It puts the responsibility for her feelings onto them, which is hugely inappropriate.

I completely understand, I’m so sorry. One is mostly well, one is still very unwell. Eldest was out of school for a year and then built up to full-time over the course of another year. Youngest is doing better than 3 years ago, but is repeating a year and only goes to school part-time. Antihistamines, turmeric for inflammation, fish oil, probiotics, and low-dose naltrexone have all been helpful. There are really supportive Facebook groups for parents of both PANS and Long Covid Kids, if you’re not already in touch with others?

OP you have been given decent advice about a very graduated return to school.
I would not try home schooling. She is not 100% fluent in the language and has separation anxiety, home schooling could simply make these issues worse.

I am also concerned that you are seeing returning to the UK as a panacea. Moving country, home and school is a big deal even for an emotionally robust and healthy child. Such a big change may at this time be too much for her to deal with.

I am also aware that any mum whose child has been ill will have anxiety around that, and your DD may be picking up on your own anxiety as well. So if I was you I would seek specialist support for any trauma and anxiety you have around your daughters ill health and current difficulties.

Your DDs specialist has said she should return to school, so I would go with this advice. The specialist understands your DD and her health issues better than any of us do on MN.

I also think the advice from a mum who has faced similar difficulties with her DC in creating a secure routine at home, was good advice. So clear routines, storyboards so she knows what will happen each day. Decent bed times so she gets enough sleep and a soothing bed time routine. Very little access to tech, good quality food and exercise. Obviously this does not directly address ger issues. But reducing anxiety in her home life by having a clear routine, and helping her body be as healthy as possible, all help to support her recovery.

Tbh i think you haven't helped her by educating her at home effectively in English while intending to send her to a portuguese language school.
Its going to feel really overwhelming for her trying to start again learning to read and write in a second language having already done so in English she probably doesn't see the point hence finding it all too hard?
What was your actual long term plan for her education, the UK system or the portuguese?! You need to commit to something

I'm so sorry you and your little girl are going through this. Ignore the awful comments on here, your situation is not the same as general school refusal.

You have all been through so much and I think if you're able to home school and give her the time she needs then that sounds like something that would take the pressure off you all. I think your DD is likely so busy worrying about her next day at school that she's in a constant state of anxiety. You can't get better like that. Her nervous system needs a break from worrying just for now. There's no shame in that, it's not too soft. Some grown adults go to hospital for anxiety, it's insane to expect a child to persevere when she's making it quite clear she's not coping.

Literally loads of children get a bilingual education. My kids were taught to read in two languages, one at a time. Not a big deal, they can do it and they also see the point.

@TheWonderhorse adults are not hospitalised for anxiety. They too are advised to have a good routine with decent sleep and food, and a graduated plan to tackle whatever makes them anxious.

OP can I suggest you continue to take advice from your DDs specialist, rather than parents on face book recommending certain medical treatments? Even if their child has the same diagnosis, every child is different and a treatment plan needs to be individualised to your child.

I mean call an ambulance or go to hospital thinking it's an emergency. Yet a small child is meant to sit with it however bad she feels? She's young and recovering from an awful experience. I think OP can and perhaps should allow her a bit more time.

Weak parenting. Your job is to create independence and confidence, not encourage this silliness.

Take her to school and tell her that she’s to stay all day as she needs to learn. That’s how we get good jobs and can buy nice things when we’re older.

Do you work? Are you able to separate yourself from her?

People recommending deferring, you're just kicking the problem down the road. This has already dragged on too far by the sounds of it and you're doing her no favours by letting her fall so far behind both socially and academically. Time for some tough love I think!

@TheWonderhorse I am not one of those just saying to pretend there are no issues. She needs support for a graduated return.

This is typical rubbish from an English person who doesn't speak any other languages. Loads of kids attend school that is taught in a language other than their native language. Even as close to home as Wales. In countries where English is the national language but most people speak local languages almost all children do this. Kids pick up languages really quickly when they are immersed and don't have worse outcomes as a result. Chances are OPs daughter would be just as worried about school in the UK.

Silliness of a serious neurological disease?? Did you bother to read anything other than the thread title?

If she's had encephalitis and still has PANS, that can take a long time to recover and she might benefit from a multidisciplinary approach. Has she had support from OT, psychology, SALT, etc? The neuropsychological effects could be impacting upon everything from sensory/information processing to emotional regulation. I'd focus on recovery over attendance if you have to choose, because there's options for repeating the year or home education if needed, but the effects of being rushed back could be harder to overcome in the longer term.

Not at all - the Portuguese alphabet is the same as ours and a lot of sounds are the same so it's a transferable skill and learning to read and write in one language will help with the other.