Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

That sounds fantastic, but also not 100% representative of the opportunities given to all kids in all schools. Also from firsthand experience.

In the kindest way OP, a lot of the responses on here are telling you it's best for her to go back, and a qualified child psychiatrist has said it's in her interest to be at school. This is the advice you are being given. At this point, you're unlikely to get different or better advice. If you really want to, get a second opinion from another psychiatrist. Otherwise, I think you have your advice now so you need to make a decision.

Leave her at school, 🤷‍♀️

Poor child she has been seriously ill she is so anxious That is to expected.I would home school her for a few months give her time to get better and more confident.Do her friends go to this school? If so I would go to the school at home time and let her see them hopefully spend a little time with them.She needs to speak in a different language that is a huge pressure as well.It is asking a huge amount of a 6 year old.Spend time with her around other children at out of school activities ie dance,drama. Is there forest type school to take the pressure from her.She will get there but being so upset is not the way being forced to go to school at the moment.I wish you the best.

Do you have contact with an occupational therapist? My son has autism and ADHD and it's his occupational therapist who advises the school on how to best meet his needs.

OP, your daughter needs specialist input. Not the advice here, like force her to go.
Sorry to hear she's been so unwell.

I think you need an agreement with school to help her . Repeatedly collecting her distressed will make it worse.

E.g. she attends for a very short time each day, she attends at a particular time that is less stressful, she has a member of staff to stay with her, she has a special class friend allocated to help her, ask your daughter what would help her. You need to start at a level that she can cope with and build up from there.

Alternatively can you stay with her yourself? For a very short time like an hour, then gradually build up to nipping out for half an hour.

Or if that isn't going to work, take her out and restart in the year below in the next academic intake. In the meantime try and socialise with her a much as possible, or could she go back into preschool, again for very short hours if necessary? But if she is really distressed I think it's probably better to stay home and recover than force her, she won't learn unless she's happy and settled. She can catch up with learning

Do you think they’d consider Year 1 under the circumstances?

No matter what you decide about the current school year, I think it's vitally important that you make a greater effort to immerse her in Portuguese. At home, let her watch children's tv in Portuguese, read simple children's books in Portuguese, get a tutor, or start teaching her yourself, to read and write in Portuguese so she doesn't fall behind. If you're not fluent yourself take lessons so you can speak to her in Portuguese.

If you're a fully English speaking household, it must be very difficult and scary to go from that to an environment where everyone is speaking Portuguese. If you're going to stay there for the foreseeable future you should fully embrace Portuguese culture and language in your lives.

I’m just skimming this thread but a couple of things come to mind and I apologise if they’ve already been covered.
You say international school is too expensive but I have experience with international schools and I’ve never known one that doesn’t offer heavily reduced fees in certain circumstances, have you looked into this?
International schools exist to serve the international community , and therefore are generally experienced in all the different reasons people may need such a school but may not be able to afford the fees.
I also wonder whether Caudwell children may have any resources that could be helpful to you? (obviously I know you’re abroad and they’re uk, but they may have advice/ guidance). John Caudwell has a grown up child with pans/pandas and has been very vocal on the subject, as well as the difficulties of finding appropriate schooling for a child with the condition. He talks a lot about it in his book, which is available in audio form on Spotify.

You would need to check with the local authority/school in question.

She need to be made to understand that school isn't an option. It's a legal requirement. Stop picking her up before the end of the school day. If a doctor says she is too unwell to go to school that's a different matter.

@Palmtreesinthewinds Look at what the legal requirements are for the school to agree for a child to go down a year. It really seems the obvious path otherwise it will be catching up while trying to recover.

So sorry she's struggling OP, I would try home educating at least until September to take the pressure off her, stress doesn't help anyone.

There are so many educational resources (UK) that can help her catch up and feel confident about her abilities.

I know you worry about the socialising aspect but it sounds like it's currently too much for her. Does she have any hobbies she could join groups for to build up her time away from you? Even weekends and evenings if you don't want to connect with the local home ed community. Theatre groups, sports, parks etc would all allow her to socialise for shorter periods than a whole school day.

Also may be worth talking to the school about a flexible arrangement, they may be able to build up her hours slower if you're also doing work at home?

You really need to learn trauma informed responses if you are going to give advice. That advice is appalling.

Yes it’s Pans (not pandas as no strep found)
We had a child psychiatrist at first, but then she has said in her opinion she should go back to school, she’s not even better yet

Could you go back to the hcps, OT or Educational Psychologist to review her progress and advise on next steps such as retaking year1, therapy or language classes. Do Portuguese schools take advice from support services or have a separate system for those with additional needs? It may be inappropriate for her to be placed in full-time mainstream school at present given her medical history and language challenges.

Your poor child. My child has PANS too so I get it, a lot of the “she has to go to school” replies here will have no experience of this illness and the devastating effects it has on a child and how difficult school becomes for them.

There a quite a few mums on here who have children with PANS/PANDAS you might get more help if you start a thread asking for help from this mums over on of the health boards with PANS in your title.

I think you’re right to concentrate on her health. What medical intervention is she receiving at the moment?

This sounds like a terribly hard situation. However, you are the adult here and you have difficult decisions to make. No matter what level you and the school decide for her, you have to get her back to school. She will be behind her peers and may have difficulty catching up. Socially that will make it difficult for her.

Can she have one of he friends as a buddy so she's always got company? Can she have a tutor to help her catch up. Could you stay for an hour at the start to ease her in?

She has to go to school and I do feel for her but she will get further behind.

I’m so sorry your daughter is struggling, OP. What kind of treatment has your daughter had for the brain inflammation? Both my kids had / have post-Covid PANS-type symptoms and school attendance has been tough. The noise (kids shouting, bells ringing, desks scraping…), movement, bright lights and relentless activity of the school environment is pure hell with a brain injury. When they were younger, they didn’t have the words to explain that, so they’d simply cling to me and cry. When they’re feeling good, they just got / get up and go.

It doesn’t sound like your daughter is sufficiently well to be in school, or not full-time, at least. Could you find another specialist to advise you, or bring her back to the UK / elsewhere in Europe for a second opinion?

I’d check if she can start the same year in sept. This way she won’t be the second youngest and missed half the school year. Also hopefully by then she’d be fully recovered. I can see how the current situation is stressful for her

Portugal might be “better” and “healthier” (whatever that means) in general but it really isn’t for your particular child at the moment is it OP? I’d be coming back to the uk. Give DD time to get better and make a fresh start for her.

Good luck it sounds like you’ve both been through the mill probsbly while your DH lives his best life I expect judging by the standards of so many men on mn

Oh OP. It's so hard when your child is struggling. You have all my sympathy.

I got my school avoider back after great trauma by changing school, and with new school doing a very graded programme of going to visit school, me gradually moving away physically from her in school, building up time as well. With loads of rewards but also very clear, explained expectations about the path of reintroduction to school. It was very slow but it worked and was the right approach for my child. Really hope you can engage someone like an educational psychologist or OT who can help make a suitable programme for your child. You sound like a lovely sensible mum. I'm sorry you've both had such a rough time.

Children can now delay their start to school in England, but usually for those that are summer born. If your child is summer born, worth discussing that with the school. Especially with your DD not having started formal schooling yet.

This OP. You are seeing it that she 'needs' you but actually its that she 'wants' you. We don't have to give in to all a child's wants. Lots of children will cry and scream because they want some chocolate, we don't assume they are anxious and give in.
She wants you and unfortunately when she is at school she can't have you, she is safe. Im honestly shocked the school are ringing you its very unprofessional - have you asked them to do that because you don't like the thought of her upset?
The sooner you stop rushing to pick her up the sooner this will improve. Reward staying in school without a fuss instead.