Nobody fed the baby.

[shaylla]

I need a bit of perspective from others point of view here please.

A 13 month old - given breakfast at 7.30, then instead of his normal lunch is only given half an eggs worth of scrambled egg at lunch time. No water or milk all day then till 5 when another adult returns home and finds out (and feeds baby immediately). The adult/s in charge of the baby all day 'didn't realise' ... ??

This is neglect yes?

This is a warning to all new mums to make sure the dad is involved with everything from day one, every aspect of their care, otherwise you will end up in a situation where you need to leave the baby with them and they won’t have a clue. I don’t know what the solution is here because he will never learn to look after the child if you just step in to do the childcare but on the other hand it’s very concerning that he isn’t safe to look after them. Having his parents there probably gave him diminished responsibility so I think he just needs to get on with it on his own. I would be very worried about other aspects of safety though.

another pathetic dad, like a pp has said, we don’t get an instruction manual, we do the research, common sense and instinct and get on with it!!

Ignore them OP! People on here with wearying issues, agendas, nothing better to do, etc.

Take the best and leave the rest! 😉

My opinion has changed since the update, the fact that this is the baby's father it's really not ok. I couldn't be in a relationship with a grown man who is so incompetent the fact your daughter had to lay everything out for him in the first place and that mummy and daddy had to come round to help him is very telling. How does this not give your daughter the ick. If I was your daughter he'd be leaving but I'm assuming since it's got to this point your daughter is a bit desperate and has no self esteem or standards so at the very least he needs to pay for proper childcare since he's not capable.

Why are you telling everyone off like this? Too much internet perhaps. Get a hobby.

At that age my dds were still breastfed and would have breast milk as well as meals and snacks. Lunch would often be a mix of things, maybe some pasta and sauce with cubes of cheese, or an egg with buttered toast soldiers, that kind of thing. 13 month olds are often quite fussy and so I would give a selection of foods with some fruit afterwards. I don’t remember much about drinks, they would have had water available but as they were getting breast milk they didn’t drink a lot otherwise. If a baby this age isn’t getting milk during the day then they need water.
Seems as though the Dad and his parents didn’t think to give the baby anything as baby wasn’t crying. Did the baby have an afternoon nap ? Normally thirsty when they wake up.
I expect your dd was really angry and I would have been in her situation. Hopefully this is a one off and the baby’s dad will be more careful next time. Annoyingly hopeless of everyone to have food and drink all prepared but to still not properly look after one 13 month old !

Why is it the mum's job to make sure the Dad is involved?

Answer, it's not. I'd bet good money this useless excuse for a father has been shirking responsibility and weaponising his incompetence since day 1(if not before).

Mothers can't force the Dad to parent adequately if they're determined not to as this man seems to be. He didn't even use everything laid out for lunch or follow instructions when she did try and 'involve him' so how exactly is OP's DD supposed to achieve this?

Women are not responsible for men's failures.

Utter wasters.
Very upsetting to know this is who your daughter has had a child with.
Lazy, selfish incompetent who no doubt be delighted to be relieved of the one day he and his parents were sharing the load.

She should think long and hard before having more children with this loser.

Thought about it in the night and I'm going to offer to have the baby for the day on DDs work day as well now, because i, like many others here, just don't understand how this has happened and it can't happen again. I can't control the actions of 3 adults unrelated to me in another house when my DD has gone out, so i think i'll just gently offer to have baby for another day a week.

I don't think this is the right approach, well meant as it is. The father needs to learn, not have another woman stepping in to rescue him. If his parents were incompetent and didn't model good parenting to him, he has no role models for healthy parenting. If this is the first time it has happened, your daughter needs to read him the riot act, if she has not already done so overnight. His parents should stay out the way. At 13 months, I guess your daughter has not been back at work long, so has possibly unintentionally become default parent and without decent role models in his own parents, he has been oblivious.

For the moment, I would support her quietly in the background, offer advice but ultimately, this is her marriage, her child, and her problem to resolve.

I’m not saying it is the mums job, I’m saying don’t let them get away with doing nothing from the beginning! Don’t allow the weaponised incompetence from day 1! Why should the mum be preparing everything for the dad to do childcare, mums are always packing the nappy bag, laying out the clothes, prepping the meals. It’s ridiculous to get to the point on baby being over a year old and the dad has no clue of his needs! If the dad doesn’t step up from day one I would be leaving the useless twat.

Fair enough but OP's DD hasn't left (yet), and as PP have astutely pointed out, if they separate and he gets the child 50% of the time, the mother will not be able to prevent severe neglect during this time. Which is why she does need to talk to the health visitor so what has happened is recorded.

Sadly, unless there's actual harm, the courts / social services are unlikely to act. Which is why women get trapped.

This makes no sense, were you there? Or has someone told you about this ? As whoever witnessed it did they not give the child some water or suggest to?

You offering to babysit just lets the baby’s dad off the hook and creates a rod for your DD. Far better for your DD to lay down some ground rules and teach her DH not to be such a useless fucker.

My DH is a great dad, he really is, but prior to our sons being born he had very little experience with babies. Both are now in their teens

I don't think he ever had a full day looking after them on his own when they were little. He did his fair share, but it was never just him iirc. A couple of times (with both of them) he would come in on the weekends or on days off and ask me "what is wrong with him? he's crying and his nappy is fine" and I would reply "what has he eaten" "Weetabix" "that was his breakfast, it's now 1pm, he's hungry".

He was always there for dinner, so that was normal, I just don't think he was often there for their lunches so it didn't occur to him or something. But he felt pretty stupid after it, lol.

So I don't know if it's actual neglect as such? Maybe just a bit of stupidity? My DH certainly wasn't neglecting my boys.

@shaylla can you offer to have baby AND the baby's father at yours a few times when your DD at work? So you can supervise him looking after his own child?

I realize you will not trust him, but it should be his responsibility not yours - you'd be there to ensure all the basics are done and dgc is not neglected, and this might result in him learning and stepping up which will be a better outcome for your grandchild and your DD.

I appreciate this will involve some sacrifice given how you must currently be feeling towards him. 💐

@shaylla Is the father wfh or actually off work with nothing to do but look after the baby?

Just trying to understand why his parents are needed and if they were the ones 'officially' looking after the baby's needs while he works.

Still wouldn't be acceptable and I'd be concerned the father hadn't noticed they weren't tending to the baby but I'd place more blame on them and slightly less blame on him.

Thanks for that context. I would however be a bit concerned about what the baby was doing all day. When I am child-minding relative babies I am playing with them and noticing if they whinge so then offering food/drink, new space, a walk in the buggy to do an errand. I would go crazy if I had to entertain a baby all day in the house without variety. Baby needs that stimulation to develop communication.

I'd be pissed off too OP and whilst I agree that you'd want to take the baby on the day your DD works, this will only exacerbate his weaponised incompetence really. He needs to be TOLD and he needs to learn how to care for his baby.

I do agree with this. If someone else sweeps in and takes over, he never will “get it”. I remember leaving my DH with DD2 as a baby when I’d taken her older sister to a party. Phoned to see if he was coming to meet us and got a very “woe is me” tale of how he’d only just had his lunch. “What did you give DD for lunch?”, asked I. Silence……. To be fair, he never did it again! I think a bit of shame here might be the answer - along the lines of “you can’t even be trusted with your own son” and “poor baby - how would you like no drink all day?”. Your sweeping in is likely to mean he remains incompetent but also possibly resentful. Make sure he knows he’s screwed up and it needs not to happen again.

Your poor daughter. Please please encourage her not to have more children with this manchild.

That's my take on this. Most likely the baby was given drinks and there's been a mix up in communication. We're hearing all this second (third?) hand. Babies aren't shy about hollering when they're thirsty or hungry

It's not conclusive but several nappies suggests some fluid intake at least.

but… the child was with her dad. Why do we infantilise men so much that people ask has the mother left food ready - he’s a grown man who created a child, preparing food or pouring water into a cup shouldn’t be beyond him and if it is, then he needs care too.

He won't get better though if he doesn't have to do anything and doesn't act like a grownup and take responsibility for his child.

Your daughter should consider her life with him very carefully.

Taking the baby another day won’t help. He isn’t going to get better if you swoop in and block him.

Men like this are very unlikely to want their children 50% of the time.

Exactly. This should never be a reason to stay with a lazy man.

They're unlikely to want 50% of the grunt work, true. That doesn't stop some of them going 50/50 to avoid maintenance then fobbing the child off on the nearest, usually female relatives. This one already has form for the latter part.