Nobody fed the baby.

[shaylla]

I need a bit of perspective from others point of view here please.

A 13 month old - given breakfast at 7.30, then instead of his normal lunch is only given half an eggs worth of scrambled egg at lunch time. No water or milk all day then till 5 when another adult returns home and finds out (and feeds baby immediately). The adult/s in charge of the baby all day 'didn't realise' ... ??

This is neglect yes?

@shaylla it would have been helpful for you to include this context in your original post.

Clearly the baby's father (I assume your DD's partner unless seperated?) needs to massively step up here. As the child's primary carer that day, it was his responsibility to ensure his child's needs were met.

The fact he had instructions/food/equipment left out and still didn't manage to adequately care for his own child is worrying.

I would be loathe to pin this on his parents as presumably they would have taken his lead on the food and may have assumed (as the child's parent) that he was taking care of basic things like providing liquids.

I know you're angry OP but this is why context is important.

If they left the child with these adults to be cared for for the day.. did they leave instructions of the babies routine? I’m not saying they wouldn’t know the baby needed care of course they would! But I wonder if the parents need to also be accountable for checking the people they left their child with were in a fit state/equiped to care for them. If ever I left my child at that age, I would probably have packed their food, made up their bottles and left instructions?

That’s a completely different scenario to where a child eats fine with her mother but her father forgets to feed or give her water. It is such a weird jump to make to compare the two situations?

Deliberately incompetent people who can't be told. Guess also they are the kind who reckon having a job if you are a woman is an optional extra.

The fact that there was food and water, and that they managed for themselves suggests they are selfish and neglectful.

I don’t think SS is the right approach here. The only person who will get stressed by this is DD.

I’d do what OP suggested and increase childcare for DD so at least she can do the job she’s paid for.

And let DD deal with (D?)SIL

@RedSnake they're married + mortgaged.

Yes, he's bloody useless. I just didn't want the thread to descend simply into a ''he's bloody useless'' fest.

This thread has helped. Even though lots of posters are angry with me.

This is very poor care and I think the baby would be safer with you. Or if I was your DD I would phone or text the Dad at regular intervals and get him to send me pictures of the baby eating and drinking at snack and lunch times. As it would be difficult to trust him again.

I think if a baby is quite easygoing they wouldn't necessarily be screaming. My DS doesn't drink loads anyway and when he had to fast for an operation at 13 months and again at age 4 he didn't make much fuss. I could easily see a child like him just being a bit grumpy.

@shaylla Thank you for the background info. I find this very alarming - it does sound like absolute weaponised incompetence on the father‘s part. He should know - he must know - how to take care of his own child. His behavior is revolting.

his parents behavior baffles me too. But overall I would suggest to your daughter and you to not compensate for his total shortcoming as a father and sit him down and really have a reality check with him. No grown man can pretend to be that stupid and unable. Look up weaponised incompetence….

in the end I don’t know why man like these are husbands or fathers. If they don’t care about their kids and don’t pull their weight in the household and to care about their children and spouse, they sure as hell don’t care about the relationship.

To not give the baby milk is neglectful and as a mother I would be seriously considering the fathers ability to look after the baby alone.

I'll be honest, i would have torn the father a new one, im angry for your daughter.

If dad is struggling maybe be supportive. Maybe offer him some support when daughter is at work

So you've spent an entire day wasting people's time, being cryptic and vague. With the little information that you offered the impression you gave was more of a one-off unusual situation in which baby was overlooked. This is not the case. This is a 'dad' who's too much of an arsehole to do the basics of what needs doing. Unless dd gets firm this definitely will happen again. I wouldn't be offering any more help tbh. The last thing this loser needs is another woman bailing him out. He needs to either step up and grow up or get the fuck out and leave the parent who's actually responsible to raise the baby. The only thing I'd be doing is supporting your dd to stand up for herself and her baby. I wouldn't be enabling this manchild any further. If you'd just told this story accurately in the first place you would probably have gotten much more relevant and helpful advice.

I was going to say if the baby was on grandparents or similar care then as a one off it rubbish and I wouldn't let them care for baby again.

However the fact that it was the father is really concerning. That is neglect. Your daughter is lucky to have a caring and supportive mum. I think offering extra childcare is a good idea as it's a lot if pressure for her if baby's dad is so useless

I don't disagree, but it could be incompetence rather than laziness on the food side.

My husband, ILs and parents all take a far too casual and faffy attitude to feeding my son.

He's far more interested in playing than food, so you do need to concentrate and model it to him - sit down with him and eat it too, whilst entertaining him enough to keep him sitting. Otherwise he gets hangry and upset.

IL's will make a grand performance of sticking him in his high chair, then chat amongst themselves whilst he's waiting to eat, don't eat lunch so he's got nobody to copy, and generally don't give him the 20m focus he needs to eat. My parents treat it as "babies don't eat much", and just expect him to snatch bits of other's plates. Husband prepares him meals and snacks, but doesn't sit him in his chair or eat with him.

All of them treat any subsequent hanger as "babies grizzle, it's normal".

Meanwhile he stuffs his face at nursery and I get 2.5 meals and snacks into him on my day.

That said, he's never gone thirsty on anyone's watch.

Any signs that she has had enough of him?

It annoys me that useless men get to act like family men at the expense of women’s child rearing.

He is beyond useless. Parenting classes or get well rid.
A few hours without much to eat or drink isn't the end of the world as a one off (especially in January), but he's the dad, so it shouldn't have been an issue. He should know what baby eats and drinks.

If this is his first time with baby for a prolonged period alone, there are three scenarios:

• He's inexperienced and messed up the first time because he was out of his depth. He'll learn from it (if your DD spells out what he did wrong) but may need prompting until he gets uses to it
• He's inexperienced and messed up the first time because he's incapable of providing adquate care for his child. He is incapable/has no interest in doing better
• He's inexperienced and purposefully messed up his first time in the hope that he doesn't have to do it again

Which one do you think it is?

What was the father’s reaction when your daughter found out and was rightly furious?

I think this will be the most telling. If he was chastised and apologetic - that’s one thing. If he doubled down and maintained no one had done anything wrong - then he’s a feckless idiot. Hydration is vitally important and not providing fluids to a baby across the day is highly dangerous. When you are parenting older children then they can nag their way to sustenance. Babies rely on responsible and attentive adults and your SIL is neither of those things.

Isn’t his uselessness for your daughter to deal with?

Well, sadly he is a bloody useless lump isn't he. And no wonder you're angry, as would be your DD. He needs to be called out for his 'weaponised incompetence'.

Why is stuff like this is supposedly 'natural' to a woman but for a man it needs to be spelled out in crayons? Babies don't come with a manual and for first time parents, neither knows more than the other. Women use intelligence, guesswork and feel their way in the dark but men just can't (won't) seem to do the same...unless it benefits them of course...

I'd be pissed off too OP and whilst I agree that you'd want to take the baby on the day your DD works, this will only exacerbate his weaponised incompetence really. He needs to be TOLD and he needs to learn how to care for his baby.

Just HOW can you go through a day without thinking 'baby needs to have something to drink or eat'...just HOW?!?! What a twat.

Only early January and already there's a gold-medal prospect for "Crappest Father Of The Year 2025".

He clearly thinks childcare is a woman's responsibility. Lets his wife do everything, then when he's left in sole care, palms it all off to his own mother (who was probably "Crappest Mother Of The Year 1995").

He needs to shape up or ship out.

Noone forced you to take part 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's been a father for over a year and hasn't noticed that human children need to drink?

Either he has some kind of learning difficulties or he deliberately did a shit job so his wife or you will take over and ensure he doesn't have to do childcare again.

If dad is struggling maybe be supportive. Maybe offer him some support when daughter is at work

The useless bastard already had both of his own parents there, how much more support does a grown adult man need? Someone to wipe his arse?

She needs a conversation with her DH.

It's great you are prepared to offer another day of care but the dad needs to learn this is HIS responsibility. Do not let him off the hook.

She'll have lifetime of parenting him too. They are a team. He needs to play his part and learn how to parent

The mum had left lunch ready for the baby with instructions but for reasons known only to themselves, the dad and his parents tried the baby with different foods that the baby didn't like and failed to give them anything to drink at all.