Nobody fed the baby.

[shaylla]

I need a bit of perspective from others point of view here please.

A 13 month old - given breakfast at 7.30, then instead of his normal lunch is only given half an eggs worth of scrambled egg at lunch time. No water or milk all day then till 5 when another adult returns home and finds out (and feeds baby immediately). The adult/s in charge of the baby all day 'didn't realise' ... ??

This is neglect yes?

Baby's father is a piece of shit. 13 months and he can't look after his own child properly. Tbh 3 days would be unacceptable.

It's that simple. It might be hard but support your DD as much as you can to work towards getting rid of him.

She shouldn't try to teach him anything. He doesn't deserve a second chance. He doesn't deserve to be a father at all really.

OMG, maybe lobby your MP to change the law that says commenting on every Mumsnet post is compulsory.

He's clearly left it for his mum. Being a typical lazy bloke. Why were his parents even involved?

He needs to be told that he needs to step up otherwise the OP DD will be parenting him and making excuses for ever.

Did the father and his parents eat and drink during the day? They should have taken care of the baby regardless. If they were having lunch, snacks and cups of tea for themselves, that makes it even worse.

I understand why you would offer to have the baby for another day. The father of the baby needs to step up. Weaponised incomplete is awful. To be neglectful of a toddlers needs is baffling. I could never feed myself and not think about the DC.

What did your daughter do and say? They shouldn't have to leave things ready for another parent. There is no excuse for not taking proper care of a 14 month old. This is not forgetful.

She posted on a public forum for opinions. I'm allowed to give an opinion. My opinion is that she was pointlessly vague and misleading, wasted people's time and as a result received bad and irrelevent advice. Why is that so offensive to you?

The baby is 13 months old. He did have support from his parents but they sound as useless as him. All three adults ignored the lunch that the baby's mum had left and faffed about giving the baby food that it did not like so did not eat.

How the hell does he not know that babies need something to drink throughout the day? OP has now said that she will offer to look after the baby for a second day a week but it's ridiculous that she needs to do this.

Why is the bar so low for men when it comes to caring for small children?

I actually think that the update is deeply relevant. I was imagining a situation where mum had an emergency and had to rush out the door. But no. This is the baby's planned childcare, and his own father can't meet his basic needs? That's neglect.

You shouldn't have the baby, he will never learn otherwise. She needs to read him the riot act, and then he needs to have another turn.

I suppose in this one instance it could just be poor communication and planning on dad's part and the inlaws. He will have learned from this hopefully. He tried to delegate care to his parents but ultimately the responsibility lies with him.

As an easy rule everytime you get yourself some thing- tea/coffee/water/snack offer the baby something as most likely they will be hungry too. Or are we suggesting these three adults went all 10 hours without a sip of water? Lazy and selfish and he wouldn’t be in charge of the baby again! And his parents too? Have they forgotten how to raise a baby?!

Bloody hell OP. Presumably your DD is fuming as well as you!

The lack of food at this age wouldn't necessarily be a problem if given plenty of milk, but no fluids? People can last without food for a long time, but not without fluids. Dehydration is a serious risk to small children. My DD had a vomiting bug when she was about this age and had to be hospitalised and that was with me still breastfeeding - it just all came back up and she very quickly became listless / unconscious and needed a drip. It's serious neglect not to give fluids.

Obviously it was ok as the baby had had a good breakfast and mum came back at 5pm but I would NEVER EVER leave a small child with people so ridiculously incapable again. What would have happened if they'd had the baby overnight? Doesn't bear thinking about.

I'd be asking how many cups of tea / other drinks the adults had in this time. I bet it was more than one, and they're adults. FFS.

Also, not using the carefully prepared food left by your DD is not only not putting baby's needs first, it's quite disrespectful when she's gone to the trouble to prepare what she knows baby will like. Could they just not be arsed and a scrambled egg was easier?

This baby shouldn't be left in the care of this person/s alone again. It is unquestionably neglect, I bet who was in charge got themselves drinks. How disgusting, that poor child. Dc should have had breakfast with a drink, then milk/snack, lunch with a drink, milk/snack, then dinner with a drink, mine had milk/supper before bed too at this age. I cannot understand how anybody would leave the child all day like this.

No excuses whatsoever for this!

I'm more stunned at the grandparents! They've raised children ( well at least one) so unless there is some kind of MH issue, and even then, I would not be leaving my child alone with them.
The husband is a different issue, did he think his mum was feeding the baby his bottle?
This is random but in Australia and there's a big party with lots of adults and kids then someone gets the HAT. It means you are responsible for the kids in the pool until you pass it onto the next person. Works a treat. WHen everyone thinks someone else is doing something nobody is.
It also seems that your DF needs to maybe do a parenting class or just spend a weekend letting him doing everything. If things get too bad intervene, but unless he's really incapable the weekend should do it.
So tell your DH to put his dad HAT on and leave him to it, whilst you are still around, lounging about watching movies.
Just answer his questions if he asks, don't correct the way he puts the nappy on and leave him to it. Don't criticise what he feeds them or puts them to sleep. Only step in unless absolutely necessary.
Maube give it 3 days but that really should be enough. I'd be giving the PIL a big swerve for unaccompained visits unless desparate, or wait till they are older.
Don't call social services. That will do nobody any good unles things get a lot worse. Baby missed a meal and a drink. Everyone is so stressed with little ones, by the time they are on their 3rd baby you will be asking it to get you the chardy from the fridge 😁
Sorry for essay @shaylla

This in spades - my son has been admitted to hospital three times with dehydration (when very sick) this is so far from acceptable I have no words

Of course you are allowed to give an opinion. The OP obviously kept it vague as knowing the relationships of the people concerned could influence/skew the responses. You are reasonable to find it annoying but to complain about it wasting your time when there is no compulsion to respond to any posts is ridiculous.

Agree. What did DD say and how did he respond?

It's him that matters here. Because while it's not ideal that PILs didn't think either, they're potentially a quarter of a century past their last baby care, may have been quite exhausted depending on their age and health, and would not see themselves as being in primary charge of the baby.

So the baby has breakfast scrambled egg for lunch and had dinner at night. Absolutely fine. What isn't fine is the lack of drinks but surely the baby was asking for a drink at that age? Are you absolutely certain that they didn't have drinks? It seems unlikely

Bloody hell it’s one day looking after his own one baby. It’s not brain surgery. Looking after babies is relentless but it’s not difficult. I expect this is exactly the outcome he wants, women running about after him so he doesn’t have to step up.

I’m not sure your daughter remaining ‘expert on the baby’ is the best thing for the husband or child long term.

Dad needs to be told to shape up. By his wife, your daughter. He needs to be held responsible for being an adequate father. Your daughter needs to be able to have these difficult discussions in her marriage if her marriage is any kind of partnership. She might have to do some work on her own thought patterns and values to be able to do so. All valuable parts of growing up.

You rushing to fix it by offering to have the baby isn’t going to fix anything long term. Better solutions may involve getting him enrolled in parenting classes or getting his useless parents out of the way so he has no excuses to not pull the load. Nevertheless your daughter has to sort this.

If they do split she needs Dad to be as functional as possible because she will have even less influence then than she does now. May as well work on it now while she still has some sway.

also sounds like dad might need to make baby’s meals much more often in the household ….

It isn't low for my dh. He would be out of the door if he neglected our dcs; I would have zero respect for him.

If op can't leave dc alone with his/her own dad, there is a major issue. Grandparents are useless as well.

Op, what has husband said about his appalling behaviour? Why did he think this was okay, and how has he ensured you that he is capable in the future?

I think involving social services is not needed as the baby has a competent Mum and grandmother who are rightly appalled that having left the child with 3 adults, they all seriously neglected the child. No harm was done thankfully.

I would suggest asking the health visitor to have a word with the father to make it clear not giving a baby fluids all day is neglect, and to ask some pointed questions about how many drinks he (the father) had in that period of time. Then to point him towards a parenting class.

That's if your DD can move past this and wants to stay with him OP. I hope he's suitably apologetic and admits his utter failure, that would be a bare minimum I think in this situation. Ultimately, it is his responsibility to care for his child, even if his parents are there. As a PP said, you should be offering baby a drink every single time you have one at the very least, and with every meal.

My point though is that the responses weren't skewed they were meaningless until OP told the full story. No half-intelligent adult should need a bunch of internet strangers to tell them that it's neglectful to not offer food and drink to a baby all day but context is everything. How you deal with this situation is far different if it's a hapless teenager or grandparents but this was the baby's parent. She didn't say this because she didn't want a pile-on of people saying dad is useless etc etc but the reality is that's the situation. It's the situation today and it was the situation yesterday when the thread was started. OP has said things like that this is a one off but it isn't. This is the baby's dad. Things like this will keep happening until dad either steps up or is kicked out. However much the grandparents mollycoddle them all it is simply not sustainable for dad to stick around, live in the family home and be this useless.

Sorry, op isn't the wife, I got confused.

Your poor DD and DGC. DD should be able to go to work while her child is being properly cared for by its father. How on earth has he been a father for over a year and not yet learned how to care properly for a baby?

The mother needs to give the father a rocket and give him just one more chance to care for his child properly. If he doesn't rise to the challenge OP should step in. I'm slightly triggered by my own useleas ex who didnt give my 9 month old any milk on Day 1 of my return to work. Poor baby was snatching green beans off my plate at teatime. Apparently he didn't give milk because 'You take care of all that' - baby was BF, expressed milk bagged, and formula was available too. These idiots just tune out women giving instructions.

Nobody should be angry at you shayla. I'm guessing your DD is very upset.

IMO what happened was neglect. Three adults noot feeding or offering drinks to a 13 month old is beyond my comprehension.