Husband booked a holiday without telling me first

[lizzybethx]

I was meant to be going away with parents for a week this year. Husband doesn't want to go. Ends up telling me today he's already booked us a holiday the week prior for a couple days. In an area I don't even like and have sla**ed the area off loads of times. He said that going away with my parents for a week on holiday to somewhere that is a 4-hour drive is "too anxiety inducing", but he can proceed to book a holiday without my parents anyway? The place I was meant to be going to with my parents I have never gone to before. It's one of my parents' old roots. They were born there and grew up there until they were 19-20. I have relatives that live there. I wanted to visit a relatives grave to pay my respects. I have always wanted to go there. But it feels like my husband is guilt tripping me. If I tell him I would rather want to not go to this holiday he's booked, I know he will get mad and call me ungrateful. Now I feel I have to force myself to "enjoy" this holiday he's booked. What do I do?!

My assumption was that if the husband had booked it as a surprise then he'd be footing the bill 🤷🏼‍♀️ Op has also said in other posts they can pay for more than one holiday a year (or at least to not assume this is the only one which I'm guessing means the same?).

But she doesn't want to go, and that is fine. Just as it's fine he doesn't want to go on her holiday.

I'm finding it weird that everyone is assuming her DH is paying out of his money. Don't most married couples have a joint account?

It's really strange that her DH has booked a holiday slightly earlier as if to stop her from going on holiday with her family, but didn't they discuss the family holiday with her parents and decide that as he didn't want to go with her family that they'd do something else together.

There are very few holidays that you can only do once and they're normally based on an activity or event. I can't see why OP and her DH go to the family holiday place at another time.

I've been on holiday to Bolton so I'm sure the place her DH has booked is nicer than that. Although Bolton is a great touring base.

You know you have marriage problems, right?
That are bigger than this holiday issue?

I’d focus on those if I were you.

I don't think many people are even trying an ounce to understand my POV.

Well, to be fair on posters replying, you left a lot of information out of your OP!

It's fine for you to go away with your parents. Are they paying or you?

It's odd that your husband has booked a holiday somewhere you hate! Is it already paid for or not? Is he expecting you to pay half?

I would obviously use 'why have you booked a holiday to x which you know I hate without asking me?' as a good starting point!

But she's explained this. It's because of the additional expenses of two holidays close to each other - I imagine meals out, entrance fees etc. She could save up for one later in the year.

Him not wanting to go on her holiday is not the issue. It's him not wanting her to go on her own chosen holiday and guilt tripping her into going on his.

Nobody should book a holiday for another person unless they have very good reason to be believe that it will be welcome and manageable. For you, this holiday is neither, and it's also an act of aggression on his part to book something that prevents you doing something that's very important to you.
I'd just tell him that you've made other arrangements and can't go; end of. If you have joint finances which mean you've in effect paid for half of this trip, tell him how unfair he has been.

It depends. Has he booked this hoping you’ll abandon the holiday with the parents and feel obliged to go with him instead? Or is he happy for you to go with your parents on your own and do both and he booked this so he and you can have a break together as well? Because I’d have no real issue with the second but the first is kinda controlling.
It is a bit weird that he booked a place he knows you hate- what was his reasoning for this?
You could do both, but like you I would be bit peeved he didn’t consult me. It’s not like he can pass it off as a romantic surprise if it’s to somewhere you’ve told him you wouldn’t want to go!
Regardless of whether you go on the weekend, you should go away on your own with your parents if that’s what you want to do

It sounds as if he didn’t like not getting his own way and is manipulating you into doing what he wants with no compromise. He is trying to come between you and your parents. I think he’s pretending it’s a nice surprise but it’s obviously not so ewhere you even want to go. Can you get doen to the nitty gritty of why he dowsn’t want to be part of your family and whether theres a way he can come on the family holiday with accommodations for his ownneeds (eg time on his own or just with you or space while you all do family history)?

How sad that he cares so little about your wants and needs too OP I defintely see how disappoint8ng that is and believe you should also look after your own needs and not bow to his alone.

Is there no way you could borrow the money to go on both. I’m guessing the one your husband booked can’t be refunded now anyway. You probably need to consider if you want to stay with him though because he’s a manipulative ahole. I wouldn’t go away with my in-laws especially if one was dying, but it clearly means something to you.

Just checking though if you went on this holiday would he have the money to go on his own holiday or would you be spending all the money?

Its NOT additional as they can’t afford both so he’s stopped her going with her parents . Controlling and uncceptable

Maybe just maybe @lizzybethx he just wants a nice time on holiday just with you and your dc? That’s not weird or controlling

I can not believe the grief you are getting on this post OP

go on holiday with your parents, I love my partner but I also love my parents and if there was a holiday that I wanted to go on with them that was booked first and my partner was being particularly awkward/avoiding it on purpose and then doing something sneaky like yours had to hinder your plans I would out of principle if nothing else carry on as I originally intended. Your not forcing him to go he can stay at home so he has options

You should go with your parents without H, it obviously means a lot to you and they will treasure the memories. Your H is guilt tripping you and behaving childishly, don’t fall for it.

So what does he say when you point out that 2 holidays close together is not in budget and the holiday with your parents has priority because it was booked first? He sounds unreasonable or like he has his head in the sand re your finances. Also, assuming he definitely knew you did not like his holiday location choice, he also seems petty, manipulative and uncaring. I hope I am wrong but as you have written it I see 🚩🚩🚩.

As someone who has lost both of my parents and both of my siblings, I am only too aware of the blanks in my immediate family history that no-one can answer any more. This is a chance for the OP to visit places of family history, to see it in the company of the loved ones who lived it. Even without the knowledge that one parent is dying, you never know when it will all suddenly be too late.

Do both (if you want to) x

I note you said this The day after my parents told me about us all going on holiday together.

It appears it's OK for your parents to book a holiday without checking with you beforehand but not your husband.

She’s said many times that she doesn’t want / cannot afford to.

Go on the holiday with your parents, with your child, as it was booked first. Your DH can take your child on holiday by himself the week before if finances don’t allow you to do both.

Ideally I’d try to do both, even if it means living on beans on toast the month beforehand, but there’s no issue with separate holidays if that’s what you choose to do as a couple.

DS and I are going skiing with my family over half term, DH isn’t coming as he hates skiing. Doesn’t bother either me or DS (and honestly my family prefer it as DH doesn’t make any effort with them and as a result they are much closer to me and DS than they are to DH). We’ll also do a bucket and spade trip with DM over summer, which again DH won’t do because he doesn’t enjoy kid-focused things.

The one he arranged sounds more like a punishment than a holiday- is he often this petty? - If I were you I would go on the one with your parents xx

I'm sorry you've a parent who is dying. I hope you're able to spend quality time to make lasting memories.