Husband booked a holiday without telling me first

[lizzybethx]

I was meant to be going away with parents for a week this year. Husband doesn't want to go. Ends up telling me today he's already booked us a holiday the week prior for a couple days. In an area I don't even like and have sla**ed the area off loads of times. He said that going away with my parents for a week on holiday to somewhere that is a 4-hour drive is "too anxiety inducing", but he can proceed to book a holiday without my parents anyway? The place I was meant to be going to with my parents I have never gone to before. It's one of my parents' old roots. They were born there and grew up there until they were 19-20. I have relatives that live there. I wanted to visit a relatives grave to pay my respects. I have always wanted to go there. But it feels like my husband is guilt tripping me. If I tell him I would rather want to not go to this holiday he's booked, I know he will get mad and call me ungrateful. Now I feel I have to force myself to "enjoy" this holiday he's booked. What do I do?!

Have you even read the OP’s posts? She literally says she’s fine with him not coming on holiday with her parents.

And yes, it’s absolutely fine to want to go somewhere with her parents. Family relationships don’t end when you get married.

So do what you want to do? He is.
I don’t see the problem here?

Excuse me?

Where in my post did I say it would be the only holiday this year? From all the comments you've been leaving, you sure do like making assumptions.

On another note, where did I say that my husband doesn't have the same rights as me to take our child on holiday? I said that I could take them, not that it was set in stone that I would be. But why would I in my right mind leave the child I birthed for a week to go on holiday? Don't be so absurd.

My parents and I have talked about a holiday for years, we had never got around to making one for other personal reasons. My husband has known for ages I wanted to go on holiday with them. He was asked if he would like to come on the holiday. He hasn't been forced to. I said I would like to go, so I am, and that is my plan.

There is a difference between being asked if you would like to go on a holiday, versus being told you are going on a holiday. Know to tell the difference between the two.

It was apparent in the OP that the trip was important to her and her parents because they have roots there and other family.

We really didn’t need to force OP to disclose painful information about her parent dying.

He’s trying to coerce you into not going with your dp’s by booking this holiday.
I’d be furious if my dh did this.
Tell him you’re going with your dp’s as planned.

I suggest your DH takes your child on his holiday then you take your child on holiday with your parents.

I don't understand the bit about can't afford them both. Surely your DH has already paid for the holiday so you just need your usual living expenses whilst away e.g. food for the week?

If your DH doesn't want a week without your child then he comes on holiday with your parents too. He's being a prick.

That’s because her parent dying is none of your business.

Your DH is being deliberately manipulative by booking that holiday the week before you were meant to go with your family.

He's dressing it up as a 'surprise' but really he wants to use it as a stick to beat you with making you feel guilty when actually it's really poor form from him.

Look, going on holiday with my ILs would fill me with dread. I have done it and been polite. We did it as MIL had terminal cancer. It was a nice break for her but it wasn't a 'holiday' for the rest of us.

Your DH should suck it up. He should cancel his trip and go with you making it clear that he can opt out of activities if he wants.

Your DH sounds like an immature dickhead

Another one that doesn’t understand why you can’t do both? The one your husband has booked is only for a couple of days and doesn’t overlap with your parents holiday, if I’ve read it right?

YANBU to be annoyed that he chose and booked a holiday without involving you in the discussion.

YABU to expect him to love, or even like your family. Clearly he doesn’t. It seems like you are trying to force the issue so you can spend even more time with them. Leave him out of your family gatherings, he doesn’t want to be there.

I don't understand, in one of your follow up posts you said your husband had already booked the holiday away but only told you about it when you announced your parents had booked the other trip?
So his booking was the pre-existing one, and for some reason he hadn't told you? Only you know the reasons he chose that location - to annoy you or because it was cheap and affordable.

And only he knows why he didn't tell you.

Are you saying that he has committed your joint money to it and that means you can't afford your holiday with your parents? Or are you saying you can afford your parents holiday but can't afford the extra you would need to go on holiday with your husband?

I don't blame him not wanting to spend a week on holiday with his in laws. Even for people who get on well that can be a long time and seeing an area he feels no connection to and visiting graves is probably not a holiday for him. But you should both be fine for you to go away with your parents without him and have another holiday just with the two of you. Like he has booked, except you don't like the location??

Somebody has had an empathy bypass. Bloody hell, imagine that being the first thing you think then actually type out and post to someone who's parent is dying!

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your parent. Please don't let your husband's manipulations (or the posters on here who've made up their own scenarios) stop you going on this holiday. 💐

Exactly and he's even worse of a person by doing this when one of OPs parents is dying.

Trying to stop OP from going on holiday with her parents under this circumstance is particularly unforgivable in my opinion.

He’s trying to control and manipulate you. He’s done this deliberately.

I’d be going away with my parents and child as planned and he can do what he wants, either go on the holiday he’s booked on his own, come with you, or stay at home.

Shut any emotional blackmail down very firmly, either say that you can see right through him doing this deliberately or it was his choice to book the additional holiday without checking, so he can sort it out and bear the financial loss.

I wouldn’t let this one go.

Your H is being very unreasonable.

He's playing games with you booking somewhere just before the hol with the parents.

Fine if he doesn't want to go - you have said he doesn't like that option.

He's a controlling arse.

I'd refuse to go on his holiday (and I think the face it's to an area you have expressed you dislike is also done on purpose). Just go with your parents.

Don't let him take this away from you.

I think you also possibly have bigger issues too.

Some weird responses to a controlling man doing something evidently controlling to the OP. OP you don't have to go on the holiday your husband booked. Just say no. Go away with your parents as planned and leave him at home. He's an adult, he will be fine.

I would do both as long as it doesn't clash

Yes, I agree he’s been manipulative.

Booking a holiday which prevents you from booking the one you wanted to go on with a terminally ill parent. Booking a holiday to a place you’ve always said doesn’t appeal to you.

Just refuse to go on the one he’s booked. Did he pay with joint finances? If so, insist he cancel and repay your share of the cost. If it’s an advance booking and he cancels now, he should get most of the money refunded.

You quite clearly said you cannot afford both

Has he talked to you about wanting to go on holiday with your parents?

I think your DH has been really childish and manipulative. The trip with your parents is important to you. I get that he might not want to go on holiday with his in-laws but that's fine, he doesn't have to go. I think it's good for couples to do things separately sometimes and I think it's really important for you to make this trip to meet your relatives, understand your roots, and spend time with your parents. It's a bit shit if he can't understand that.
Can the holiday he's booked be cancelled/refunded?

It's unfathomable to me that one half of a couple would arrange and book an entire holiday without discussing or consulting with the other. But then, I absolutely hate surprises and DP knows this.

I tend to think the OP's husband is being manipulative and disrespectful. Unless, perhaps, she's someone who likes big romantic surprises, and this is the kind of thing he's done throughout their relationship - then booking a surprise holiday would make more sense in a positive way. But I don't get the impression this is the case.

He knows OP wants to use her limited budget to do a certain trip and he's trying to game the situation so she can't, and so she looks "ungrateful" if she objects to this other trip. OP, you shouldn't stand for it. It's not normal for one half of a couple to unilaterally arrange and book a holiday without taking the other one's wishes into account, especially when he KNOWS you had other wishes. Tell him to get a refund and go on the trip you actually want to go on. Also, consider what this episode says about the lack of respect he has for what you want. Is it a pattern in the relationship?

She said she couldn't afford both because they're so close together. Presumably she needs time to save for a second holiday.

How does this sit in relation to holidays generally?

Do you holiday with his parents too? Could you use this to persuade him as in being fair to both sets of parents.

Another one who doesn’t understand why you can’t do both??

I also think your comment about not leaving “the child you birthed” is weird.

I think you should go on the couple of days with your DH, and then go alone on the week with your parents, maybe leave your dc at home so you can focus on your folks and the things you’d like to do