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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband booked a holiday without telling me first

171 replies

lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 18:57

I was meant to be going away with parents for a week this year. Husband doesn't want to go. Ends up telling me today he's already booked us a holiday the week prior for a couple days. In an area I don't even like and have sla**ed the area off loads of times. He said that going away with my parents for a week on holiday to somewhere that is a 4-hour drive is "too anxiety inducing", but he can proceed to book a holiday without my parents anyway? The place I was meant to be going to with my parents I have never gone to before. It's one of my parents' old roots. They were born there and grew up there until they were 19-20. I have relatives that live there. I wanted to visit a relatives grave to pay my respects. I have always wanted to go there. But it feels like my husband is guilt tripping me. If I tell him I would rather want to not go to this holiday he's booked, I know he will get mad and call me ungrateful. Now I feel I have to force myself to "enjoy" this holiday he's booked. What do I do?!

OP posts:
BrokenHipster · 07/01/2025 20:21

Doggymummar · 07/01/2025 19:03

I don't see the problem 😕

He booked it without her. To somewhere she doesn't want to.go. when she already has plans

How can you not see the problem?

Tagyoureit · 07/01/2025 20:28

How does a couple of days away with your own dh, a week before a holiday with your parents stop you from visiting a dead relative's grave?

lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 22:36

MuthaHubbard · 07/01/2025 19:00

I can't think of anywhere that would be so bad that I couldn't enjoy a few days away with my DH - we've been to some dives but made the most of it and had a laugh about it afterwards.
Why can't you do both?

I can't do both because both holidays would be within a week and a half of each other. Finances wouldn't simply allow.

OP posts:
lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 22:37

fuuwan · 07/01/2025 20:18

  1. Why can't you do both?
  2. If he doesn't want to go on the holiday with your parents he can stay at home.
  3. If you can't do both, go on the one with your parents because that was booked first.

I told him he could do this. I would be fine to go on holiday with my parents without him. But he had to make it into a big deal leaving him on his own.

OP posts:
lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 22:39

janfebmar87 · 07/01/2025 19:50

Why can't you do both holidays. Have I misunderstood. He's booked it the week before your parents holiday

Simply wouldn't be able to afford expenses for both. I was only told today he'd booked it as "a surprise". The day after my parents told me about us all going on holiday together. It isn't the first time he's had an excuse unfortunately.

OP posts:
lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 22:44

RawBloomers · 07/01/2025 19:44

There’s a lot going on in your post.

I would be annoyed with my partner booking a holiday without discussing it with me even if it was to somewhere I’d been raving about. To somewhere I’ve expressed dislike for several times would seem like a deliberate snub. I wouldn’t be grateful for that and I’d be telling him I thought it was mean not nice. At the why are you sceptical that he sees a holiday with your parents as more anxiety inducing than a holiday with just you? That seems pretty normal. Lots of people, probably most, would prefer a holiday not to include their in-laws. What’s the problem with you going with your parents without him?

Are you having other issues with your relationship? This seems like fairly basic stuff that just shouldn’t be happening if there’s a good foundation of mutual respect.

Thank you for not going off about my post. I don't think many people are even trying an ounce to understand my POV. He's always tried to be avoidant of seeing my family, unless they come round. Only until recently, he has been round my parents' house once in 6 months. Half a year. No reasoning behind it. They want to make an effort with him and to include him in our family, so they asked. I could understand him being skeptical about going due to anxiety and travel sickness, but then it contradicts him booking a holiday for us. I told him that I would be OK with going with my parents and he could stay at home if he wanted to, but it came across as that was a big deal to him. I don't feel like either of us are going to be happy with that.

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 07/01/2025 23:03

lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 22:39

Simply wouldn't be able to afford expenses for both. I was only told today he'd booked it as "a surprise". The day after my parents told me about us all going on holiday together. It isn't the first time he's had an excuse unfortunately.

Why would you prioritise a holiday with your parents over one with your husband, if you can’t afford both?

Is it an overseas trip (you mention a four hour drive)?

StormingNorman · 07/01/2025 23:06

Do both.

Flossflower · 07/01/2025 23:21

I don’t think there is anything wrong with your husband wanting to surprise you with a holiday. Because of the holiday with your parents he had to tell you about it. Not everyone enjoys their ILs company. If you can only afford one holiday surely you would put the one with your husband first.

Aavalon57 · 07/01/2025 23:27

He has obviously done this to get back at you. Does he have form for this? I would not cave in and would carry on with the holiday with your parents (it sounds lovely, by the way) and create some new family memories. How would your parents feel if you turned them down now? Your husband doesn't seem to have respect for you or your parents. If you give in now, it will only fuel his ego and bad behaviour.

RawBloomers · 07/01/2025 23:31

lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 22:44

Thank you for not going off about my post. I don't think many people are even trying an ounce to understand my POV. He's always tried to be avoidant of seeing my family, unless they come round. Only until recently, he has been round my parents' house once in 6 months. Half a year. No reasoning behind it. They want to make an effort with him and to include him in our family, so they asked. I could understand him being skeptical about going due to anxiety and travel sickness, but then it contradicts him booking a holiday for us. I told him that I would be OK with going with my parents and he could stay at home if he wanted to, but it came across as that was a big deal to him. I don't feel like either of us are going to be happy with that.

I assume he’s generally a nice guy or you wouldn’t have married him, but you seem to be blind to the fact he clearly doesn’t want to spend time with your parents and rather than accepting that and finding ways to work around it, you are coming up with ways to get them together.

Could you understand him having anxiety because he finds time with your parents unpleasant? Perhaps they are too gushy or too reserved, too inquisitive, too formal, too laissez faire, too whatever, for him.

If he’s told you the reason he doesn’t want to go was because the idea of travel in general was anxiety inducing, I understand you disbelieving that. I didn’t realise from your first post that that was what he’d said. I thought he’d just said the idea of the holiday gave him anxiety, which isn’t surprising if he doesn’t like spending time with your parents. It seems likely It was a white lie so he doesn’t have to tell you he doesn’t like your parents (or doesn’t like spending time with them).

If you can only have one holiday a year I’m not surprised he’s making up excuses not to go on one with people he doesn’t really want to spend time with. This doesn’t seem so different from him booking a “surprise” trip for you both. And if you can only have one holiday a year, I get why it might be a big deal for him for you to have separate holidays. You might be upset with him if he wanted to spend your one holiday a year with people you don’t like and his solution was to say, well I’ll just go without you, then. That does work for some couples, but for most, giving up your one holiday a year with your spouse to do something without them is not a welcome idea.

His “surprise” holiday is really poor, but it doesn’t seem like you are any more thoughtful of him on the holiday front.

Perhaps it’s time for a more candid conversation about expectations and how you can fit in the things you’d both really like to do. It’s possible that in this regard, you just aren’t very compatible, though.

SALaw · 08/01/2025 00:32

If going away with your parents means you can't afford to go anywhere with your husband then, sorry, I think going with your husband should be the choice. You're telling him his only option for going away is with your parents and if he refuses then you can't afford the other trip. You are being unreasonable. I love my parents and love my in laws but have no desire to holiday with either of them. Such holidays aren't for everyone and that's an ok position to hold.

SandyY2K · 08/01/2025 00:38

I can understand that he doesn't wish to go on a 4 hour drive on a holiday with your parents. I wouldn't have an issue with that.

In this case, the dates are close, but don't clash, so you could go on both.

Why did he book it just the week before?

WidgetDigit2022 · 08/01/2025 00:45

He’s clearly booked it so you don’t go with your parents. It’s disingenuous, controlling and unkind. No one should book a holiday without consulting their spouse first.

Dont allow yourself to be a pushover. He doesn’t get to play these games with you. “You know I have the holiday without my parents. Unless you can subsidise me so I can go on both, you’ll have to rearrange, cancel or take someone else on the trip you booked. Next time, ask me first. No I’m not ungrateful, this is basic stuff.”

WidgetDigit2022 · 08/01/2025 00:46

SALaw · 08/01/2025 00:32

If going away with your parents means you can't afford to go anywhere with your husband then, sorry, I think going with your husband should be the choice. You're telling him his only option for going away is with your parents and if he refuses then you can't afford the other trip. You are being unreasonable. I love my parents and love my in laws but have no desire to holiday with either of them. Such holidays aren't for everyone and that's an ok position to hold.

He’s clearly playing games and preventing his wife from going in a trip she had already agreed on. This isn’t a romantic trip, it’s an intentional sabotage and it’s very unkind and controlling.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/01/2025 01:06

Your husband is controlling and manipulative, and I'm shocked that so many commenters on here are not seeing this! He's done this to punish and control you.

How is he generally in your marriage?

He's not sounding great right now...

I'm quite stubborn, so I'd be telling him that you'd already agreed the trip with your parents, and that's what you'll be going on, so you go with your parents, he can go on the holiday he's booked, then next year, you can discuss TOGETHER where to book that you BOTH mutually agree on.

Although, hopefully you'll have left the controlling cunt by then.

Don't play his games.

crumblingschools · 08/01/2025 01:12

Do you ever go on holiday together?

crumblingschools · 08/01/2025 01:14

If he has booked it, does that mean your finances are tied up in that holiday?

Ilovethatbear · 08/01/2025 08:53

Aren’t your parents and your husband paying?

It isn’t a surprise holiday if you’re not treating someone!!

Arseynal · 08/01/2025 08:59

lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 22:36

I can't do both because both holidays would be within a week and a half of each other. Finances wouldn't simply allow.

If he’s booked it is it not paid for? Is it a sunk cost or not?

If you can’t go or don’t want to go why can’t you just say “sorry, I can’t do that”?

Lurker85 · 08/01/2025 09:19

He sounds completely unhinged and selfish. He doesn’t want to go with your parents but doesn’t want you to go without him so has booked a surprise holiday so you can’t go with your parents and he now wins. I fully understand not wanting to holiday with your in laws but you have your own lives and he can stay home. Stopping you going by using the guise of doing something “nice” so you feel bad refusing is completely twisted. He didn’t even make the effort to book somewhere you like! If you go along with this and let him win then prepare for a lifetime of twisted manipulation and alienation from your family.

Soontobe60 · 08/01/2025 10:21

So you dont have enough money to go away with your parents for a week and have 2 days away with your DH. But you do have enough to go with parents even though your DH doesn’t want to go? Seems like you both need to decide whats more important - time away together or time away with your parents.

Soontobe60 · 08/01/2025 10:22

Lurker85 · 08/01/2025 09:19

He sounds completely unhinged and selfish. He doesn’t want to go with your parents but doesn’t want you to go without him so has booked a surprise holiday so you can’t go with your parents and he now wins. I fully understand not wanting to holiday with your in laws but you have your own lives and he can stay home. Stopping you going by using the guise of doing something “nice” so you feel bad refusing is completely twisted. He didn’t even make the effort to book somewhere you like! If you go along with this and let him win then prepare for a lifetime of twisted manipulation and alienation from your family.

He’s not stopping her going with her parents - they are not at the same time. What about her manipulating him by booking a holiday with her parents even though she knew that was not something he’d be happy doing?

YellowRoom · 08/01/2025 10:28

How horrible of him. Fair enough if he doesn't want to go on holiday with your parents - but to book something else therefore preventing you going with your parents is malicious. And you saying you'll have to pretend to like it or he'll call you ungrateful. This is so disfunctional. Don't muss out on the experience with your parents - it sounds like it will mean a lot.

DaisyChain505 · 08/01/2025 10:37

lizzybethx · 07/01/2025 22:39

Simply wouldn't be able to afford expenses for both. I was only told today he'd booked it as "a surprise". The day after my parents told me about us all going on holiday together. It isn't the first time he's had an excuse unfortunately.

Surely if he’s booked this holiday he’s the one paying for it?

Let him know you’re happy to go but you’re still going away with your parents so he shouldn’t be expecting you to contribute financially especially as he didn’t even consult you.

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