Husband booked a holiday without telling me first

[lizzybethx]

I was meant to be going away with parents for a week this year. Husband doesn't want to go. Ends up telling me today he's already booked us a holiday the week prior for a couple days. In an area I don't even like and have sla**ed the area off loads of times. He said that going away with my parents for a week on holiday to somewhere that is a 4-hour drive is "too anxiety inducing", but he can proceed to book a holiday without my parents anyway? The place I was meant to be going to with my parents I have never gone to before. It's one of my parents' old roots. They were born there and grew up there until they were 19-20. I have relatives that live there. I wanted to visit a relatives grave to pay my respects. I have always wanted to go there. But it feels like my husband is guilt tripping me. If I tell him I would rather want to not go to this holiday he's booked, I know he will get mad and call me ungrateful. Now I feel I have to force myself to "enjoy" this holiday he's booked. What do I do?!

I can understand that he might not want to go on holiday with his in-laws. Time off is precious and this might not feel like time off for him. I can’t understand why he can’t stay at home by himself. He is a grown man and presumably able to live independently. It is a bit suffocating if you can never be away from your partner. He wouldn’t have to manipulate you with the other holiday if he was capable of being home alone.

You go away with your parents as planned, he can do as he likes.

Would you honestly prefer to go on holiday with your parents than with your husband 😳
How old are you?
It sounds like you've not given him any choice, despite him making it really clear he doesn't want to holiday with your parents you've said thats what's happening anyway, most people do not want to always holiday with their in laws. From what you say you can only afford one holiday im not surprised your husband is pretty cross if you'd rather your only holiday was with your parents than wuth him.
He's not at all unreasonable to assume his wife would want to go on holiday with him!

She can only afford one holiday. You honestly think a married man is selfish to assume his wife will go on holiday with him rather than her parents?!

The only people i know who'd rather go on holiday with their parents than their spouse ended up divorced

Tell him you're going on the original holiday with your parents, he can go on the other on his own?

I have talked to him about wanting to go on holiday with my parents loads.

Yeah he said i really don't want to holiday with your parents, she said i don't care, i am.
If the genders were flipped and a bloke was saying no we holiday with my parents or nothing, people would be saying thats outrageous he should be going on holiday with you, you should not have to go on holiday with his parents for your only holiday of the year.
Why do people flip the standards for men and women?!

And by the sounds of things he said he really didnt want to? Did you even care?
You sound very selfish OP. Of course he expects to be able to go on holiday with his wife

Go with your parents and tell him you're not changing your plans.
Let him get angry. So what? Are you scared of him? If so, that's no way to live and you should consider leaving him.
He sounds like a horrible person.

Flip this round to a husband telling his wife he does not want to go on holiday with her as he would prefer to go with his parents even if that means no other holiday and she either has to go with his parents or have nobody to go on holiday with? Sounds pretty coercive to me

Would you tell your spouse this?
'You go on holiday on your own dear, id rather go with my parents'
Sometimes wonder what state some peoples marriages are in

He’s out of order . This is controlling behaviour and his attempt to sabotage your holiday with DParents
Tell him that you ARE going on holiday with DP. He can choose to come ( his choice - I wouldn't want to go on holiday with my in laws) or stay at home - he’s an adult ffs, he doesn’t need babysitting
He needs to cancel the “ surprise” or go away on his own ( & fund it)

Of course its a big deal to him. You've said you can only afford one hol so by saying you will go with your parents and he can stay home you are saying you won't go on hol with him this year, you've picked your parents to go with instead. You know he would not want to go with them, loads of people wouldn't want to

The issue is the timing and controlling nature of the way he booked this holiday.
If he really wanted a holiday with his dw, he could have discussed this and maybe booked it later so it was affordable.
Op does your dh have a solution when you say "how do you expect us to afford both?"

@Saturdayssandwichsociety it sounds like he's deliberately booked a holiday

• to deliberately sabotage something the OP really wants to do
• to somewhere she's always said she doesn't want to go
• he'll kick off and make an issue if she doesn't do what he wants

Trip with parents isn't just a holiday it's a meaning full trip to somewhere to her family is associated with.

Based on this, does her marriage sound like a healthy relationship and balanced relationship like it should be?

This isn’t the same as agreeing to book a holiday together.

He shouldn’t have booked a holiday you didn’t want without your say so, but on the face of it it sounds like that’s what you did to him first.

Agreed, absolutely.

Because she likewise played the game of saying, i want to go on holiday wuth my parents, i am goingvwuth them no matter what so if you want to go on holiday with me this year it has to be with them.
Pretty controlling eh.

Excuse me Saturdayssandwichsociety, not that I should have to feel forced to explain the situation theoretically, but if you had a chance to go on a holiday with your parents, one of them dying, or a holiday that has been sprung on you by your husband or wife, and a holiday that you have wanted to plan for years and your husband or wife knew you wanted to go, you would still turn the other cheek to the opportunity? I have said to my DH that I am happy to go with my parents and he could stay behind, but he said he is not not seeing me and our child for nearly a week. I have tried to compromise. It is not his first rodeo of finding a way to avoid things.

Massive massive drip feed that one of your parents is dying

He can’t dictate what you do - you agreed the parents holiday first. He can go a week without seeing you, and then he gets a week with his child the following week when he goes on his holiday.

There is no reason you can’t go alone.

^ It shouldn't matter. My DH has known I have wanted to go on this holiday for ages. We have previously talked about his worries and concerns. I have addressed them and I have tried to compromise but he will not, but why should I turn down a holiday with my parents, even if that means him staying alone? He doesn't have to go. He was asked. I wasn't asked about going on holiday with him. It was just booked and sprung on me.

How much will you need to contribute financially to the holiday with your parents?

How old is your child? Can you leave them home with him?

Could you do a shorter trip with parents and one with him?

I think most people would find a week on holiday with PILs a bit much.

Of course it matters if a parent is dying thats a very very different situation.

The holiday being so important to you for ages doesnt change the fact you unilaterally decided it would be the families only holiday this year even though you knew your husband does not want to holiday with your parents.

Your husband has as much right as you to take your child on the holiday with him while you holiday with your parents, maybe that's the solution?
Oh but hang on i bet you wont be happy with that

None of those trips sound like a holiday.