Husband booked a holiday without telling me first

[lizzybethx]

I was meant to be going away with parents for a week this year. Husband doesn't want to go. Ends up telling me today he's already booked us a holiday the week prior for a couple days. In an area I don't even like and have sla**ed the area off loads of times. He said that going away with my parents for a week on holiday to somewhere that is a 4-hour drive is "too anxiety inducing", but he can proceed to book a holiday without my parents anyway? The place I was meant to be going to with my parents I have never gone to before. It's one of my parents' old roots. They were born there and grew up there until they were 19-20. I have relatives that live there. I wanted to visit a relatives grave to pay my respects. I have always wanted to go there. But it feels like my husband is guilt tripping me. If I tell him I would rather want to not go to this holiday he's booked, I know he will get mad and call me ungrateful. Now I feel I have to force myself to "enjoy" this holiday he's booked. What do I do?!

Why should op miss out on time with her parents because her dh is being a controlling twat?
She's not choosing them over him, the trip with parents was booked first.
She can't afford both because they are less than a week apart.
He either changes the date and location of his trip or goes on his own.
So many immature, selfish men about it's depressing.

Surely if your husband has booked a holiday for you both, it has nothing to do with your finances, as your husband will be paying for everything??

Does this selfish prick bring you any joy?

This is the rest of your life, get out while you can.

The bar is so low for men on here.

OP told him she was happy to go with her parents without him, but he was then annoyed that he'd be left behind.

He doesn't want to go and doesn't want OP to go either so has deliberately booked this knowing OP can't afford both. Sneaky bastard.

I think he's been quite calculated and manipulative, and this is a move aimed at him regaining control of the situation. That's my gut, but does he suffer from anxiety generally? Does he dislike your parents and are there real reasons why he dislikes them? Or is it more that he doesn't like you spending time with them? When you see them together does he create an atmosphere so that you feel you're treading on eggshells? Does he prefer to make all the decisions, or does he usually take account of your thoughts and feelings?

Di this is an additional break with your DH and you are angry? Why?

Slight generalisation to state that about the entire country of Morocco 🤣

You aren't his carer and you aren't responsible for his feelings. You're an adult with free will. Go with your parents. The fact he is being so difficult about it comes across like he is controlling.

If it's the week before I'd do both...paying for his holiday is his problem he obviously knows he can cover it.
Personally I wouldn't want a nostalgic trip with my in laws or anyone else I couldn't share the nostalgia with so I see why he would hate it...this seems a fair compromise and extra hols for you.

Try actually reading everything. They are too close to both happen and she didn’t book the holiday with her parents, her parents invited them.

So many pp not reading the op properly.
Can't decide if it's lack of comprehension or a need to always make everything the woman's fault.
Bit sad on a site for supporting mostly women.

Your parents booked their holiday first so you honour that commitment. I would be pissed off too. Whether he chooses to go with you is up to him, but what I think he's trying to do is stop you going. He's making a fuss about being left on his own, but doesn't want to go. Then books a holiday you can't afford without cancelling the other. Not cool.

I may have missed something but you have arranged to go on a holiday that isn't his choice and use up your holiday budget on that( whatever the back story a week with the in laws visiting graves doesn't sound like my idea of a break either .) He had booked a break you don't want to go on without asking you , which sounds childish and tit for tat .
Both of you sound unreasonable.
What is your marriage like in general ?

I don't think it was explained well in your original post. As you read your replies you can see his manipulation. That's ridiculous, how dare he simply undermine your decision and that he could have just stayed at home on his own. I would say to him, sorry, you knew about the planned and booked holiday with my parents and did this anyway, how is that an acceptable course of action to take?

Why would you expect him to holiday with your parents if he doesn't like them?

Fine for you to go with them alone of course, but if you are using half the joint holiday budget to then go away without him, if you usually holiday together, then ir puts him in an odd spot as he either goes away alone, foregos a holiday altogether, or finds something cheap for you both to do with the remaining budget.

So he told you he'd booked the holiday for both of you. Your parents told you they'd booked a holiday for all of you. There's an awful lot of you being told what you're doing.

I'd make it clear to them all that you'll be asked in future, not told.

If DH doesn’t go on the parents holiday then that will surely lower the cost of that trip?

If he’s surprised you with a holiday I would assume he’s paid for it already?

It is still quite difficult to understand why you can’t do both. What are the specific costs to you?

I personally would go one holidays with your parents. It is the holiday that you want to do and being honest you may not get that opportunity again.

In regards to your dp I can understand him not wanting to go on holidays with your parents and particularly the type of holiday they have planned.

However, there is a few red flags with your partner.

Did he really book the holiday before your parents? I most certainly would want to see proof of this. If he had booked in advance and not told you then he ran the risk of you not being able to attend.

Most likely though he booked it after your parents so I would not consider going . It sounds like a holiday for him rather than something that you would both enjoy.

I would not consider skipping your parents holiday. If your dp wants you to do his then he pays all the expenses.

His drama about being left on his own at home is a bit of red flag to me. He sounds controlling. How is he about you visiting your family/ going out with friends?

Please yourself!

Three separate issues here:

First, OP - your DH does not want to spend time with your parents, so stop trying to make him. He may be too polite to spell it out that he really doesn't like them. That is okay - he is not obliged to like them or spend time with them.
But he does not get to prevent you from spending time with them. He does not get to complain about being 'left alone' - tough, he is a grown adult who has no right to control or interfere with your relationship with your parents.

Second, DH was controlling and manipulative to book a holiday to somewhere else that he knows you don't want to go (assuming he remembered you don't like it). He has very effectively made the point that you are also trying to make him go somewhere he doesn't want to go - a silly way to go about it though; you need better communication.
If you really, really will hate it, don't go, but beware you are not just being petty or cutting off your nose to spite your face. In other words, if there is a chance it will be okay (you don't have to love it), then go to show you are willing to spend time with him.

Third, the money. It is selfish of you to spend the family holiday budget on a trip with your parents that he does not want to go on.
This year, I would borrow if necessary to stretch to going on both trips - you both go to his trip, and just you to your parents. Also consider asking your parents for financial help for you to see them on this trip this year.
Then next year, plan a proper holiday together that you both want to go on, that you can both afford.
For future, tell your parents that you can't afford an annual holiday with them as the family holiday budget won't stretch to it. Either they will pay for you in future, or they and you will make simpler and cheaper plans to spend time together.

Think what you'll regret more in 10 years time. Missing out on this trip with your parents, or a trip with your DH to somewhere you don't even want to go.

A lot of married couples share finances so these "well he can pay for it" suggestions might be completely useless.

Personally I'd rather go on holiday with my parents than a controlling, manipulative partner.

It's also an extremely bad idea to cave to manipulation tactics.

I love my partner's parents dearly - but going on holiday for a week with them to somewhere they grew up would really not appeal to me.
I can see why he wouldn't want to go.
Did you discuss with him before deciding that you were both going on holiday with your parents or did you just book it?