Some Illnesses Are More Deserving?

[GoingPotty39]

Prompted to write this by another post (didn’t want to derail that thread) where the OP has cancer and was wondering if she could ask friends for practical help. Lots of posters saying yes and that they would gladly help and have actually helped friends in similar situations. If I were the OP’s friend in that situation I would definitely want to be asked and would certainly provide practical/emotional support as much as possible. Same for a friend with any illness/in need.

On to my question, are certain illnesses seen as more deserving of attention/support from friends and family? Certainly funding varies wildly between certain diseases, with those mainly affecting women sadly receiving generally far less funding for research.

My perception is that certain types of illnesses tend to galvanise more support from friends and family, whereas as others not so much.

In my case I have a serious health condition where I went from fully active to only being able to work a few hours a week and largely housebound. I have been underwhelmed by the level of practical and emotional support offered from close friends. Although I very badly impacted, the illness is “invisible”.

So I’m interested to know if others think there’s a difference, perhaps depending on whether it’s s well-known illness. finite recovery time vs chronic condition, visible/invisible disability or physical/mental health etc.

YABU-no difference
YANBU- there is a difference

Absolutely some illness will always be seen as 'more deserving' with cancer at the top of the tree.
I think any illness where the patient a) doesn't look sick or is not being actively treated etc will definitely be seen as lesser particular illness such as chronic fatigue etc which I've heard someone refer to as lazy arses.

I think it's a few things..

'Acute', sudden illnesses are more shocking, perhaps because they can be sudden and might be life threatening and usually need processing or adjusting to. The shock factor invites support, a bit like after a death you might be overwhelmed with support but 3 months in when it's really shit people have tucked off.

I don't know if people are less sympathetic for chronic illness, they shouldn't be, but I wonder if some worry that offers of help will need to be long term and this puts them off.

Some people seem to need to 'see' the illness or understand the cause to believe its impact. They will understand a stroke or cancer but won't get fibromyalgia.. and some folk seem to think hidden disabilities/illnesses are made up.

Long term illness is shit and sufferers deserve to be understood and supported. Sorry you haven't been, I can see why the comparison isn't nice.

Interesting. Why do you think that is?

Definitely a difference.

DM has end stage liver disease - I do all the life admin/managing doctors appointments/liaising with the GP (as well as the physical care, housing her, paying out of pocket for extra care costs not covered...) and the wide belief is that this is alcohol related and she's had it coming her whole life. 0 sympathy from UC hotlines/PIP assessors, awful treatment in A&E/ambulances, you see the look change on people's faces when they ask what's wrong and are told 'liver disease.'

The thing is, DM has never drunk more than one glass of alcohol per year (NYE) - it's not alcohol related and there's nothing she could've done to prevent this. It's awful because there is so much judgement around it and it really affects how she accesses 'help'.

I don’t know if more deserving is the right phrase but some do attract more attention. Cancer is a big one. I’m willing to bet everyone has seen someone they are close to be very ill with cancer or lost someone to cancer. It touches a nerve in a way most of illnesses don’t. If someone has cancer, it taps into the memory for the other person you know and your willingness to help comes from that place of fear/sadness/guilt from a different point in your life. It isn’t actually about the person with cancer at the moment, it’s about a different person with cancer from some other time and often looking at it with hindsight.

There are things which are also seen as being self inflicted or in the process of the illness might have caused damage to relationships think along the lines of addiction or bipolar during manic phases. These are always going to get less help from friends and family because of the damage done in the process. I think there is still a lot of (sometimes deliberate) misunderstanding about a lot of illnesses though for example addiction is just something you need willpower over.

For a lot of the lesser known illnesses, you don’t really know how bad it can be unless you’ve experienced it. There was a thread on here a few days ago about someone expecting a village when they had their baby with people saying how much did she volunteer her time before she had a baby. But you don’t know what you don’t know. You don’t know how hard it will be to have a baby until you have one. You don’t know how hard someone’s day to day life is with a lesser known illness unless you are really close to them.

Have you asked for help from friends?

Not all cancer. Lung cancer is seen as undeserving of support.

And yes serious mental illnesses like bipolar receive very little understanding or support.
There are various illnesses where those very close to you like a parent or partner might support you, but apart from that, you are on your own.

I think cancer is such a shock and it prompts people into doing things. I think the sharp rise in invisible illness is possibly the reason people don’t view it as important so to speak. We know quite a lot of people who say the have fibromyalgia, they quite rightly so live their life do holidays, pub etc and post pictures on social media. So I think people assume they’re at it so to speak. That’s the only thing I can think of.

I’m really sorry to hear about your DM x

Even if it were alcohol related, as a PP has said, alcoholism is a complex illness in itself and not something people “choose”.

Yes I think people are very quick to judge illnesses they can't see. I'd be willing to help any friend or acquaintance that needed help, though I would be unlikely to offer for risk of offending.

I'm not sure it's a case of people viewing some illnesses as being more deserving.

Sudden, life threatening illnesses like cancer, brain haemorrhages, heart attacks etc, where the person has a lot of hospital treatment tend to be viewed differently to long-term conditions which are much less acute but cause long term disability.

I think many people just can't sustain providing help and support over many months and years. I do think people tire of supporting someone who is never going to get better and they move on.

Yes. People are more likely to offer support if the illness is associated with the possibility of death, if they have personal experience of someone who has had it and/or if they fear it and so empathise. Cancer ticks all the boxes in a way less well known conditions that people aren't well known to die of don't.

@LittleRedRidingHoody I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Mine had the same and like your mum it was not alcohol related. The judgement she got - including from one particularly delightful doctor who said to her she should stop lying to him about how much she drank -was ridiculous. Hopefully you and your mum have supportive friends and family to counteract the judgement. Liver disease is horrible

I think you are right with the “you don’t know what you don’t know” thing. Also as a PP has said there can be a difference with with invisible illnesses.

I asked 2 friends for some extra moral support-checking-in/phone calls a bit more often (I was thinking once every few weeks for calls.) In one case ot didn’t happen and the other petered out very quickly. I think people are busy and also don’t know what it’s like 🤷‍♀️

Some illnesses really do impact your life but most people don't understand them and think you are making a fuss if you ask for extra consideration.

My daughter has IBD. Diagnosed when she was 12 and managed by drug infusions every 6 weeks. It makes her permanently fatigued , she is often in pain even when not in a flare and the disease has given her juvenile arthritis. It even affects her eyes. She can't take any pain relief stronger than paracetamol so even her periods are a nightmare to manage.

She is now 16 and when she tells people ( her boss or her school teachers and now college) they just assume it's something she can control and start giving her bad advice about changing her diet. They don't understand why she has to have so many hospital check ups and time off for treatment.

She will have to deal with this for the rest of her life or until a cure is found ( there is work being done on this which is hopeful)

I'll be honest and say that I had no clue about it either until she became ill and I'd have assumed IBD was just a minor illness too.

That’s very kind of you. I’d say, from the perspective of a person with illness, it’s very unlikely you would offend anyone so long as you were sensitive e.g. I’m sorry you have x illness, is there anything I could do to help like (insert something you’d be happy to do.) I would have thought most people would be touched you’d asked

DH has had a bit of this though. He has stage 4 cancer and he 'looks ok'.

Behind the scenes though he gets exhausted

I’m really sorry to hear that about your DD. Yes people offering unsolicited advice is very unhelpful. Having said that, I’d rather they did that than fail to engage/fade away. Wishing for a cure soon xx

Cancer is top of the tree because of high profile awareness and fund raising campaigns. From the Royal Fsmily to Dame Bowel Babe. No other illness gets such coverage and high level recognition, and frankly, research money. That’s why it’s seen as more important. We don’t have fundraising to help alcoholics in the same way. Other illnesses are not necessarily hidden but people who have them are not described as “brave” or “battling” cancer. Does anyone “battle” kidney failure? Or severe eye diseases? Don’t think so. Yet these people need support. So yes, it’s uneven. Try “bsttling” the complexities of old age! No one remotely cares!

I voted unreasonable by accident op. You're not.

I have a book called take my hand that is written by a mum of a teenager who had cancer and a mum whose son took his own life. It was really interesting to see how differently they were treated by others. I found that when my then 12 year old attempted to take his own life the school was really supportive and so were my family but dh's family really weren't and some of them made things worse. I couldn't talk to friends about it and it was such a lonely time.

Is it okay to ask here why do people fade away, I also have an invisible condition and have 'lost' friends. without fail they seem to back off when I tell them about it.

Illness where the illness will hopefully be resolved/cured or limit the persons life in a short enough period of time jot to inconvenience people for more tha say 6 months max will be seen as more deserving in the main. Illness that is incurable but not life limiting results in compassion fatigue even if it makes the person with the illness want to limit their own life. People don’t want to help indefinitely or have contributed to making a difference so even if you are in the same pain with an illness that you were in the years ago etc people in the main will have expected you to shut up about it and get over it by now.

Yes, and I think that’s a shame. I guess modern life means we have less of village.

Bowel babe was interesting. Really good that she raised the profile of the illness, which I think is so important. I felt that as a person she came across as very narcissistic though. Totally opposite to the other young woman who founded “Coppa Feel” for breast cancer awareness. Who did do much for others and also genuinely seemed down to earth and lovely… but I digress!