Some Illnesses Are More Deserving?

[GoingPotty39]

Prompted to write this by another post (didn’t want to derail that thread) where the OP has cancer and was wondering if she could ask friends for practical help. Lots of posters saying yes and that they would gladly help and have actually helped friends in similar situations. If I were the OP’s friend in that situation I would definitely want to be asked and would certainly provide practical/emotional support as much as possible. Same for a friend with any illness/in need.

On to my question, are certain illnesses seen as more deserving of attention/support from friends and family? Certainly funding varies wildly between certain diseases, with those mainly affecting women sadly receiving generally far less funding for research.

My perception is that certain types of illnesses tend to galvanise more support from friends and family, whereas as others not so much.

In my case I have a serious health condition where I went from fully active to only being able to work a few hours a week and largely housebound. I have been underwhelmed by the level of practical and emotional support offered from close friends. Although I very badly impacted, the illness is “invisible”.

So I’m interested to know if others think there’s a difference, perhaps depending on whether it’s s well-known illness. finite recovery time vs chronic condition, visible/invisible disability or physical/mental health etc.

YABU-no difference
YANBU- there is a difference

I’m a GP so I see illness and am closely involved with patients lives all across the spectrum;

In my top 10 list of most awful chronic illness I don’t want suffer from is (and by no means an exhaustive list…)

1. schizophrenia/ psychosis
2. bipolar disorder
3. chronic degenerative neurological disease
4. Medically unexplained symptoms
5. IBD
6. Any obstructing GI cancer
7. severe inflammatory joint disease
8. Fibro/ CFS
9. endometriosis
10. severe inflammatory skin disease

never really thought about why but you raise a point OP- interesting how several of my ‘worst 10’ are illnesses poorly understood and thus elicit varying amounts of sympathy and understanding from the general community… that’s probably a big part of why they are in my glum list…

@hazelnutvanillalatte so pleased you went into remission. How wonderful!

What sort of support do you mean please?

Maggies Centre you had to be able to physically get to them. Staff were great, but most people using them seemed to be younger, when it is elderly people most likely to have cancer.
MacMillan nurse was crap and clearly wanted to move on quickly. Every question she just answered ask the consultant.
Support groups were all around stuff for mums, supporting your kids, and looking feminine.
Literally only useful info for my mum was about benefits.

When my colleague was diagnosed with cancer, there was a collection, flowers etc. when I got diagnosed with MS. No one batted an eyelid when I was really unwell with it. I work in a children's hospital and all the money goes to the oncology wards. There are may diseases far worse than cancer, those kids get nothing.

@AngelsWithSilverWings I think IBD is one of the diseases worse than cancer as it's life long even with advances in treatment. And makes people critically ill.

I do feel there's a lack of info, maybe people just don't know much about certain conditions if they don't come across it personally or professionally. I can't remember if I already posted this (thanks fatigue) but a good friend told me she would commit suicide if she was diagnosed with my condition even though I work and do the same as her alongside my bad days.

@Toddlerteaplease yes this is true. Ongoing chemotherapy for metastic cancer, can also make people chronically unwell. As you know, once metastic disease Is diagnosed, that is generally lifelong too.

MS/metastic cancer/ neurological conditions/ IBD; they are all horrid conditions in their own right and the way people react to them, is sadly very different.

@MerryMaker thanks for info

I'm so sorry. My brother developed schizophrenia in his early 20s. It's the most horrendous and devastating illness, both for the person that has it and their family and close friends ❤️‍🩹. My mum used to go to a family support group, which was a massive help, as they were all in that same horrible boat.

That just maybe shows that your relationship with colleagues isn’t that great if maybe they’re not thoughtful people. Do they like you? Do you get actually on with them? I work with someone with MS and when they’re well they’re obviously treated the same as anyone else, but when they have a relapse, we do a collection, send flowers, visit her etc. She’s lovely and we are a close team. I’ve worked in teams where that wouldn’t be the case, nothing to do with the disease, the team just didn’t get on that well. One man had cancer and no one did anything.

@LoveThatDog we all get on really well. We are a very close knit team. I think it's because as other people said, it's invisible unless I'm obviously having a flare up. I've noticed my manager checking how I'm walking occasionally. She's lovely!

Well they’re obviously not lovely or you’re not as close as you think if they didn’t even bother to acknowledge you when it flared up and you were ill. It’s not invisible if you’re actually ill with it!

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone posting and sharing. I’m sorry if you’ve been in a situation where you or a loved one has struggled and not got great support x

Sounds very cliquey.

Seeing people acknowledge IBD and how horrible it has really shocked me. Having a family member diagnosed with this and feeling utterly invisible and people really not understanding it has been incredibly tough.
you've made me and my dc by extension feel a tiny bit seen

I didn't know much about it until I worked with a lady with ulcerative colitis. I think people brush it off as 'digestive' like a bit of bad tum.

Not cliquey at all, the man was horrible, had been a perv with younger members of the team and some of the other men had joined in with him and protected him. Were we supposed to suddenly pretend he was nice when he had cancer?

Please don't make this about who is worthy of attention more, pretty depressing.

Well how was I supposed to know that, I'm not really keen on arguing, it was just how it sounded in your post sorry.

@wrenhair exactly.
With zero understanding of all the other horrible symptoms it brings.
And it's bowels and poo which are oh so embarrassing and we don't talk about things like that.
Honestly this thread has really touched me tonight.
Huge love to everyone fighting their battles

I’m not. If you have MS like toddler, and have a flare up, you get on with your team and they don’t even acknowledge that you’re ill, then they are thoughtless twats! She deserved to be acknowledge by her work colleagues, her manager should have otlrganised something because that is the kind thing to do to a team member you get on with.

Why do you think someone with something considered to have every potential to be terminal, with horrific treatment options, is treated with more kindness than someone with fatigue, no treatment to speak of and a fairly normal life expectancy?

Gee, I dunno, no idea.

There are other illnesses that we know will be terminal where the treatment options are horrific.

I did say the team didn’t get on well, read between the lines, I didn’t really want to go into him making sexually inappropriate remarks etc. Regardless of the reason, if you don’t get on well, usually because some people are dicks, it’s not a shock if people don’t make a fuss if you’re ill. That apparently isn’t the case for toddlertea so it’s disgusting that her team members didn’t acknowledge her MS when she was ill with it. Shame on them and I’d be remembering that!