Some Illnesses Are More Deserving?

[GoingPotty39]

Prompted to write this by another post (didn’t want to derail that thread) where the OP has cancer and was wondering if she could ask friends for practical help. Lots of posters saying yes and that they would gladly help and have actually helped friends in similar situations. If I were the OP’s friend in that situation I would definitely want to be asked and would certainly provide practical/emotional support as much as possible. Same for a friend with any illness/in need.

On to my question, are certain illnesses seen as more deserving of attention/support from friends and family? Certainly funding varies wildly between certain diseases, with those mainly affecting women sadly receiving generally far less funding for research.

My perception is that certain types of illnesses tend to galvanise more support from friends and family, whereas as others not so much.

In my case I have a serious health condition where I went from fully active to only being able to work a few hours a week and largely housebound. I have been underwhelmed by the level of practical and emotional support offered from close friends. Although I very badly impacted, the illness is “invisible”.

So I’m interested to know if others think there’s a difference, perhaps depending on whether it’s s well-known illness. finite recovery time vs chronic condition, visible/invisible disability or physical/mental health etc.

YABU-no difference
YANBU- there is a difference

I’m so sorry to hear this. My Mum has schizophrenia. That was in the 80s so it took my Dad years to get her any treatment as she was never a danger to herself or others. 20 years later, it did become resist to usual treatment but a new drug (at that time) came under license and she’s been really well on it for 20 years now.
I assume your son’s condition is treatment resistant if he’s been sectioned for so long? It’s a cruel illness. Take care

I have a chronic illness that is invisible, I am struggling more and more and have been told its progressive now. I have a friend who acts as if my illness is an inconvenience to her because I can't do what I used too. When I told her it was progressive now she said "well when you feel better we can meet up" ive told her over and over im struggling but it's like I'm constantly repeating myself and she is constantly not listening to me. I genuinely feel that she thinks I'm exaggerating my symptoms and it's not as bad as I say

A neighbour has had cancer for over 10 years. He has been told it will never be cured, but he is likely to lead a normal lifespan. Every so often he starts to look run down and not healthy, then his chemo starts again, and afterwards he lives as normal for another year.

Cancer has its own subdivisions

Cancer with limited sympathy -head and neck (drinking) and lung (smoking) - obviously assumed

Breast and possibly prostate/ cervical cancer get sympathy as they seem 'undeserved' and have high profile charity campaigns behind them.

Cancer in the young definitely gets more attention than cancer in the elderly where it is more prevalent.

I was aware when my mum was dying of cancer that the support was geared towards young people with no mobility difficulties

Sorry to hear that.
I suffer from chronic pain due to a wild combo of different illnesses and issues I collected throughout the years. It's not visible, most people I am around don't know because it's invisible and I'm constantly pushing myself to lead a normal life. I'm currently in the burn out phase and it's not easy, even though I have a very supportive family.
I also find that people tend to glorify illnesses which can be cured or which lead to a relatively fast death because they find it easier to deal with or understand. It's difficult to show your ongoing support to something that you're dragging with you for years with no end in sight because there's no cure.

Thank you for this thread op, as much as we don't want others in the same position I feel less lonely about this today. It's so nice to have a back and forth with people that get it and others that can give an insight as well to things I've been scared to ask friends!

IBS covers a vast range.

I have iBS.

In my case it's due to lactose intolerance.

Don't see how that can be psychological.

I agree.

I have been ill for a year with a condition that is often linked to poor diet and have hardly told anyone as I expect their assumption would be that I brought it on myself.

I didn’t. I don’t eat and have never eaten a lot of the foods associated with this illness.

I even had a pharmacist say “ofcourse you’ll have to change your diet” when I was asking a drugs question. He had never met me before and had no idea what my diet was like.

I agree with PPs who said that cancer usually generates the most sympathy and support whereas chronic conditions are often forgotten about.

Why I’m not really sure other than compassion fatigue.

Really interesting thread. Historically I was always a person that people went to with problems - but they were more short term. A PP referred to the novelty wearing off. It's not a question of novelty though.

I believe in helping out in the community. (I was always willing to be part of the village until I realised the village didn't give a shit about me).

But if someone has a permanent ongoing condition, offering to help with that is a very different situation than offering to help someone who's broken a bone or who has the flu, or who has a terminal illness.

If a really close friend develops a chronic condition, then yes, I will help forever. But even people who are normally helpers are unlikely to help acquaintances in that situation. It's signing up for a permanent arrangement, not a temporary one. I suppose this crosses over into complicated territory of who is a friend and who is an acquaintance.

When I had a nervous breakdown last year, my mum's friends were completely horrified - in a weird way. (I actually had depression and anxiety and was medicated for 20+ years. But I didn't tell many people). So in their minds, a previously strong person had suddenly become weak. And probably they were also cross that I wouldn't be helping them any more. I never explicitly said it but I think they understood that they should no longer expect help from me.

On reflection, it's not the first time. When I had a spinal injury, a now ex friend really didn't want to even visit me. I think there are definitely people who see illness as any kind of weakness. Or she believed I wouldn't recover, which was a possibility, in fairness. I was damn lucky to recover.

it was the right thing to do to keep my mental health issues quiet for all of those years - even while society suddenly fell over themselves to talk about it, I kept quiet.

I think the fact we are encouraged to talk about everything is problematic. Things that people would have kept to close family and close friends are now acceptable subjects of conversation with colleagues and acquaintances - and it leads to compassion fatigue much faster.

I actually don't know if depression and anxiety come under chronic illness. Probably yes? I'm not even sure what counts as needing help. I would have liked a handhold during prolonged panic attacks but wouldn't dream of asking.

The problem comes when you are preemptively judged for asking for help when you haven't asked and have no intention of asking.
I have learned to go to great lengths to hide my medical issues. Don't get me wrong, its not like I would really talk about it anyway because it's not that interesting and its not like there is anything anyone can do to help. But feeling like you are living a lie is exhausting and lonely.

As a children’s nurse I can tell you that it’s cancer that is top of the tree. It gets the money, it gets the fundraising, it gets the free takeaways, the donations of presents, the best looking ward, the newest equipment, tvs by every bedside, the publicity.

A lot of children have life limiting conditions who are also very sick that get cared for on the other wards. Children on non invasive ventilation, children with tracheostomies, stomas, IV nutrition, cystic fibrosis, type 1 diabetes who are in and out of hospital and it would be nice if someone just raised some money for them occasionally so their experience is good too.

Absolutely. Having had both cancer and chronic debilitating condition, my experience in terms of support hasn't been great but practically been nonexistent for my chronic condition which impacts me daily. I feel like I'm moaning if I tell my close friends how I'm feeling so I've learned to say I'm ok and just get on with best I can behind closed doors. It's shit and lonely but better than when I used to be more open and be faced with blankness.

Absolutely agree with this i have never asked for help and I manage pretty well day to day other than somw adjustments I've had to start making to my life (some adjustments made in the past like giving up my career for something less demanding) but those adjustments are now "inconvenient" to some people in that i am taking better care of what energy I have and saying no sorry I can't do that right now. But equally as my MS has progressed and I've been feeling it more I also have felt less "believed"

People seem to think I've brought mine on myself, that I'm "unhealthy"
Oh and endometriosis is just period pain and only happens on my period and I just need a hot water bottle
My being neutropenic isn't the same as being neutropenic with cancer (it's literally the exact same thing?!)

I think many (most?) people would say that they'd help on the face of things. But in reality, how many of us barely have the time to deal with our own lives without committing to regular/ongoing help for someone else?

I don't even have kids if my own, and there's no way I'd have the bandwidth to commit to, say, picking a friend's up once or twice a week. I'd certainly do it as a one off if I could, but that's a different ask.

I think the regular/ongoing thing is key here...if someone is seriously ill and things aren't likely to get better quickly/at all, or are likely to get worse, people feel it's easier not to get involved in the first place than to have to dip out later down the line.

Some people just don't deal with sickness/death well either.

I think you're right about cancer. A diagnosis must be such a huge shock and so scary - but it's the same with many other conditions. People are so busy and stressed now that I think they just don't have spare compassion.

With a serious neurological condition I sometimes feel afraid for the future.

I also think the number of people who blag things like chronic fatigue and fibro doesn't help either.

How do you know they are blagging

My partner has Parkinson's. No one spares a thought for that, ever. It's a horrid condition too.

I'm type 2 diabetic and it's pretty much assumed that I'll be overweight, have spent my life eating sugary foods and that the diabetes is my fault.

I've had many diabetic checkups where the first thing said is "oh, but you're not fat". No, and I never have been and have never had a sweet tooth. I just got unlucky.

I do think it 'helps' if the physical presentation of a disease or illnesses includes being thinner.

What do you mean blagging? Not having a go, do you mean lying about it?

I think this is very true. If you consider how people generally say "How are you?" but expect a definite "Fine thanks" in response, it might give an indication as to how little people outside immediate close family/friends actually care.

People generally don't want to hear about anybody's illnesses. Ever. But, when you die, they will most definitely want to know what you died of.

Sorry, itcantgetanycolder, I was agreeing with your points and then went off on a tangent which wasn't relevant to your post.