Some Illnesses Are More Deserving?

[GoingPotty39]

Prompted to write this by another post (didn’t want to derail that thread) where the OP has cancer and was wondering if she could ask friends for practical help. Lots of posters saying yes and that they would gladly help and have actually helped friends in similar situations. If I were the OP’s friend in that situation I would definitely want to be asked and would certainly provide practical/emotional support as much as possible. Same for a friend with any illness/in need.

On to my question, are certain illnesses seen as more deserving of attention/support from friends and family? Certainly funding varies wildly between certain diseases, with those mainly affecting women sadly receiving generally far less funding for research.

My perception is that certain types of illnesses tend to galvanise more support from friends and family, whereas as others not so much.

In my case I have a serious health condition where I went from fully active to only being able to work a few hours a week and largely housebound. I have been underwhelmed by the level of practical and emotional support offered from close friends. Although I very badly impacted, the illness is “invisible”.

So I’m interested to know if others think there’s a difference, perhaps depending on whether it’s s well-known illness. finite recovery time vs chronic condition, visible/invisible disability or physical/mental health etc.

YABU-no difference
YANBU- there is a difference

That's how I feel and I've never heard anyone else say that.

I'm sorry your daughter has had things so hard 😔 I suppose IBD is a bit of a strange one, my friends son has had it since he was 4, he's now 15 and it hasn't flared up for years and years so to anyone who knows him it seems like it doesn't impact him at all and at the minute his mum says it's easy to forget he even has it because of how well he's been for such a long time. I imagine some people think everyone with IBD is like that and that's why they don't realise how bad it can be

Oh please, never think it’s about you! It’s not about you at all. I’ve been in both ends and I know how isolating and horrible it can feel when people don’t bother and how abandoned you feel and rejected. I really understand. X

My son has a diagnosis of schizophrenia. I don’t mind so much the general ignorance about it - we can all learn but the people caring for him don’t know great deal about it either. It’s like groping around in a dark tunnel and nobody can offer any answers about prognosis other than it being a life limiting illness that is relapsing / remitting. He has been held under section for two years now with no clear path to release. He is not and has never been violent towards others. He’s 27 and my only child. In my darker moments I think cancer would have been easier. That is not to say I don’t have sympathy but this is like a living death.

I agree op.

I have an "invisible" illness. I often need extra time off work for medical appointments and due to the issues caused my by condition. My colleagues often bitch about me being "lazy" and a "skiver". Every day is a battle for me to get out of bed and it hurts that they say these things.
I could understand if they were left to pick up my work when I'm off, but we all have separate tasks and are solely responsible for completing them.

I have a colleague that has a "visible" illness, minor compared to mine with regards to the impact it has on their life and the rest of our team have set up a go fund me to help them!

Oh i know! That's what i mean sometimes I've thought ohh people don't like me because of this whereas it's not that they just have their own stuff going on

@wrenhair and @user1471516498 I think the point about people not wanting to get pulled in long term is very true, people are far more sympathetic to possibly fatal illness. A good friend has had Lupus for many years and her family seem to expect too much from her, it's almost a refusal to acknowledge that her condition gets worse each year and sadly she will die far too young

That hurts doesn't it. We've had that, go fund mes and 'you're amazing' to others. I was told 'just go to the gym, stop moaning'. (for an incurable neuro disease)

Hmm I think it's a bit unfair to expect people to help with stuff if you haven't asked. People have their own busy lives. They're unlikely to think about what others might need and offer it. I'd help someone in the short term - say they'd just had an op, but unless it was a family member I honestly don't have the time in my life to do loads on an ongoing basis. If I thought they were going to die and my time with them was limited I'd be much more likely to offer more intensive help though, whatever the illness was.

So sad and did not think of that aspect.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I had a family friend with schizophrenia and I agree its awful how much people don't understand it, and the impact it had on their life and their family's.

It's an interesting question. I do think that cancer is probably seen to be at the top of the 'deserving tree'. However I think that dates back to the days when it was more rare. Now it is so common (1 in 3) that I think attitudes might change over time.

I also think with cancer and other sudden illnesses, people are usually shocked and want to help. They think that the help will be short term- the person will either recover or die. With a chronic illness if people offer support they may feel there's a long term expectation for help, which would be harder to provide.

It’s not just the illness or disease it’s the treatment of them that people understand. The
majority of adults understand cancer treatment the impact it has on the person and those around them.
It’s also a disease that can be fought and treated so people want to help get the best possible outcome.

I have had treatment for my illness that people receiving chemo get. No support at all. IV drugs given in the hospital in what looked like a large broom cupboard on a hard chair, while those getting the same treatment for cancer in the hospital have reclining comfortable chairs and a relaxing and lovely decorated room.

Cancer better fits the classical 'sick role' than chronic invisible illness hence we find it easier to fit into what society considers acceptable

In the 1950s, a founding father of medical sociology, Talcott Parsons, described illness as deviance -as health is generally necessary for a functional society – which thrust the ill person into the sick role (Parsons, T. The Social System. 1951. Glencoe, IL: The Free Press).
This role afforded the afflicted certain rights, but also certain obligations, which were described by Parsons in his four famous postulates:
1 The person is not responsible for assuming the sick role.
2 The sick person is exempted from carrying out some or all of normal social duties (e.g. work, family).
3 The sick person must try and get well – the sick role is only a temporary phase.
4 In order to get well, the sick person needs to seek and submit to appropriate medical care.

I have bipolar disorder. The stigma and stereotypes means I don't tell anyone IRL that I've got it. It's not seen as a deserving illness.

Despite Stephen Fry's best efforts, almost nobody really understands what it actually is or how it affects people and there are too many misconceptions, I have people saying to my face that I can't possibly have it because I'm "too nice" like it's only bad evil people with anger issues who could possibly have this illness.

The average life expectancy for someone with bipolar is reduced by 20 years compared to the general population due to suicide rates and also due to medication causing organ failure over long-term usage (and it has the highest success rate of suicide of all illnesses) but literally no one knows or cares about this.

I know someone with schizophrenia (also lovely) who has similar issues of it not being a "deserving" illness despite the fact it has comprehensively destroyed her life, her hopes and her dreams.

@TheCheeseIsCallingMe I had ME from glandular fever - long covid before it was long covid. The worst thing, besides the actual illness, was people not believing me and treating me like shit. Outright contempt from doctors, anger and accusations of having a 'nervous breakdown' from family, losing my job because I couldn't work and was mostly bedbound and in constant pain and was gaslighted until I believed myself that I was faking it and must just be more pathetic than other people. I would be in bed with pain radiating through my body, unable to eat or stand up, and have family come in and basically roll their eyes at me and tell me to cheer up and come for a nice walk.

I went into sudden remission after three years. I am still so angry on behalf of people with invisible illnesses.

This is very true. There is still this perception that with cancer, you are either cured or terminal.

The idea that many can and do live WITH cancer and live well ( thanks to new drugs) is mind boggling for many!

It’s an interesting thread OP and I agree some illness are treated with more compassion.

Another question to the thread; are people less sympathetic to obese people / heavy smokers and drinkers. I think so, anything that’s seen as a preventable illness is treated very differently.

I have a good friend with this, diagnosed mid-30s after years of being fobbed off. Her employer has been good about the infusions etc, thankfully, but she’s definitely had friends/relatives struggle to understand how debilitating it is, one even commenting on why she is entitled to a free flu jab as a healthy 36 year old - there’s no understanding of what IBD does to the immune system in general. I hope the flares stay as minimal as possible for your daughter, it’s a horrible disease.

Some people definitely think that way but I thinks it’s a shitty way to think. If my friends are struggling with anything, I’ll help them out.

I have one friend who has endometriosis which is minimised by lots of people, but it has impacted her need for help far more than when she had cancer. Yet loads of people turned up to ‘help’ be nosy when she was diagnosed with cancer when she said she felt absolutely fine. None of them were around for her struggles with endometriosis which sometimes leaves her in bed for days because that’s ‘just periods and she needs to get on with it’ said her arse of a mother!

That’s not to say cancer isn’t deserving of help and much sympathy of course, but I think if we should listen to what the person needs/wants based on how they’re feeling, not on their diagnosis.

Is it not psychological? I thought it was! I have IBS - pretty badly, amongst other conditions including a mood disorder . My initial sample results came back with inflammation so high that GP told me to be prepared likely to be IBD. As pp mention with regard in her amazing DD, IBD is whole different ball game. I thought IBS was psychological because there is no actual damage or issue with the bowel.

I am classed as disabled with 2 invisible illnesses one of which I’ve had chemo for. People can be nasty . I also hate the pity looks. In my case people say oh be glad it’s not cancer but I just think it’s not comparable and one of my conditions is equivalent to stage 3 blood cancer anyway. Just because you don’t know what illness is which doesn’t mean it’s not bad.

i have IBD and IBS and I can assure you IBS is not and will never be just psychological . It’s an issue with your bowels and can make you horrendously ill.

I agree that attitudes to cancer may change if it becomes more of a chronic illness. The perception currently is that you will die imminently of most cancers. My mum lived for over 5 years with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer and she had a reasonable quality of life for much of that time but it did mean that, whilst it did still elicit a lot of sympathy and accommodation from people finding out for the first time, there was an element of compassion fatigue from some people who had known from the start even almost a resentment at times that she was not actively dying or appearing more ill.