Some Illnesses Are More Deserving?

[GoingPotty39]

Prompted to write this by another post (didn’t want to derail that thread) where the OP has cancer and was wondering if she could ask friends for practical help. Lots of posters saying yes and that they would gladly help and have actually helped friends in similar situations. If I were the OP’s friend in that situation I would definitely want to be asked and would certainly provide practical/emotional support as much as possible. Same for a friend with any illness/in need.

On to my question, are certain illnesses seen as more deserving of attention/support from friends and family? Certainly funding varies wildly between certain diseases, with those mainly affecting women sadly receiving generally far less funding for research.

My perception is that certain types of illnesses tend to galvanise more support from friends and family, whereas as others not so much.

In my case I have a serious health condition where I went from fully active to only being able to work a few hours a week and largely housebound. I have been underwhelmed by the level of practical and emotional support offered from close friends. Although I very badly impacted, the illness is “invisible”.

So I’m interested to know if others think there’s a difference, perhaps depending on whether it’s s well-known illness. finite recovery time vs chronic condition, visible/invisible disability or physical/mental health etc.

YABU-no difference
YANBU- there is a difference

Compassion fatigue and the fact that people don’t actually really care. Brutal. But it’s true

YANBU, but you're also looking at the difference between hypothetically asking people if they would help in a post on the internet, and comparing it to really being in the situation and seeing who actually offers to help in real life!

I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope your DC is ok now x

My sister and I share exactly the same limiting disabilities. Her attitude is to let it rule her life, and she sits at home day in day out, telling all who speak to her how hard her life is, I on the other hand, will not accept my fate, I work hard, keep active, and do everything within my power to not let this condition take over without murmering a word of discontent to anyone.. She's the one everyone feels sorry for, runs round after and gets everything given to her on a plate! I ever say anything, i'm told 'but you are coping so well'. So no I don't think its the 'condition' i think its the 'person'

Look at some of the responses when Davina McCall announced that she had a brain tumour recently. "What a fuss it's benign", "it's not like it's cancer", "benign tumours are nothing to worry about". You'd think a brain tumour would be a "sexy" (for want of a better term 🙈) condition, but no.

I have a benign brain tumour, and all benign means in the brain is that it is not cancerous. You still get the impact of mass effect on the brain. I have epilepsy and lost my driving licence. We're trying to delay surgery for as long as possible because it will grow back, faster, and potentially develop into malignancy. It will never be fully removed, and at any point it could grow or move or change and I could die.

Some people's responses when I told them was "oh that's good that it's benign". I want to say well you bloody take it then 🤣

YANBU at all, OP.

Hmm yes to cancer being "to of the tree". The cancer charities have worked hard over the years to make it so. In articular they sat on research that exercise was a factor in some types of cancer as they wanted to present cancer as the incredibly unlucky illness that crept up on healthy people (eg to resent t in opposition to stroke and heart attack where at the tie the victims were more likely to be assumed to have contributed to it).

IBD is totally misunderstood. People get IBD mixed up with IBS. They think IBS is psychological (it isn't), therefore if you complain about IBD then you just need to snap out of it. Plus its bowels, therefore icky and nobody wants to hear about it. Also, it isn't going to get better, so people will get sick of hearing about it. Also have you tried giving up dairy/wheat/carbs/meat/stress/life in general?
If not,then you have brought it on yourself so stop moaning!

Thanks but what about if you hardly mention it around them?

I think how you present to the rest of the world, deeply impacts on how you are treated by others.

I have stage 4 SBC cancer which is incurable but treatable. I look well ( albeit knackered!) but I'm nearly 54, work in a busy school and knee high in menopause symptoms. Little to no real support/ help from anyone IRL.

However, I have a new cancer just diagnosed ( lucky me!) and chances are i will have to change treatment. If I lose my hair, my cancer will be " visible". Maybe I will be treated differently, who knows?

The less people " see" the less people want to get involved ( in my experience) But, having joined a couple of stage4 FB groups, peoples lives are busy ( even though your condition| illness ) often dominates your own life.

It's a tricky one for sure. I think hidden disability/ MH issues are the trickiest of the lot to gain people's support and time and that shouldn't be the case.

Yes I agree the person’s attitude can make a difference although it sounds a bit like your DSis being deliberately manipulative? Do you think you could be honest and say you’d like help?

I can tell you from my experience of long Covid that despite me never being ill my entire life and barely having a day off, even though I ran 5km 3 times a week and walked the dog every day before I got ill, the minute I told people I had long Covid they either didn't believe me or thought I must have had some underlying illness/been unfit which is why I got it. I now have all the characteristics of ME/CFS which is even worse in terms of people having sympathy/understanding it.

In fact one person told me they knew someone who had ME and one day they decided they would get up and do things and 'recover' and they were fine. There are a lot of people, even medical professionals, who believe it's in your head (if only!).

There are days when I can barely walk now and I am struggling to keep on working but I need to. Most of my friends ran a mile as if I was contagious. Luckily for me my partner has been great.

@LittleRedRidingHoody a friend of ours had bile duct cancer (she died sadly) but everyone assumed she was a heavy drinker. She wasn't at all. I think it must make some people feel better about themselves to make these horrible generalised assumptions!

I agree. People will always judge eg liver cancer - must be a drinker, lung cancer- heavy smokers etc etc so anything that looks like they've "brought it on themselves" gets zero sympathy just as addicts get zero sympathy. Some illnesses are seen as more sexy than others eg no one wants to know about Chron's disease but brain tumours will receive more sympathy.
Some mental illnesses are seen in the same way eg anorexia is deemed "better" than bulimia - mainly because skinny = "good" and "in control" vs "fat" and unable to control one's appetite- again, not seen as "sexy" in the world of illness.

I think it is affected by how much people understand the illness. But also it is a lot easier to provide more intensive short term support than ongoing support over a long period for a long term condition.

of course she is, and thats my point. its how a person treats their illness or disability that gets the attention, not the condition itself!

I think it's a bit to do with what people fear could happen to them. Cancer affects a huge number of people and I don't think anyone really feels immune from it as such. Fewer people will fear something like CFS happening to them.

Im not sure women's illness has less sympathy though, things like breast cancer have huge huge public investment and sympathy.

Yes - my parents both died young-ish, in their 60’s only a year apart. One had a progressive degenerative disease and it was pretty much “oh thats a shame, give us a ring when you need the death certificate signing” the other had cancer and we were practically inundated with help and assistance, from McMillan, maggies, local hospice (which first parent couldn’t access as they only took cancer patients.) it was so noticeable the difference in the way they were treated and the options available.

I have an autoimmune illness and it’s a progressive illness, and I get zero support outside of my DH. I’ve had family members really minimise and belittle it, when they (luckily for them) have zero chronic illnesses, so don’t know how it feels. I’m a ‘get on with it’ person, so don’t really talk about it and push through my symptoms, but it’s changed how I view certain people.
I was the type of person who was always the first in line to offer support and help, but since realising nobody would do the same for me, I don’t offer help to those people either.
There is definitely a pecking order to how people view illnesses, but when you are unlucky enough to have an illness that’s deemed unworthy but is also serious, it’s very hurtful.

Cancer (of any kind) gets the shock factor vote.

auto immune diseases you have to know about to understand. Doesn’t have the same impact as the ‘big C’

then there are diseases that are often linked to ‘lifestyle’. So anything connected often to alcohol, smoking, obesity or drugs

I think cancer does tend to sit at top. My close friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer on 2nd Jan and I am rallying around, I guess more so than it was something I consider less serious. Not least because my time with her is limited so I want to help / have her to stay etc as time is of the essence.

I've got ME very few people gave a fuck when I was first diagnosed

There oughtn't to be but there is. I think chronic illnesses are generally more key and get less interest.

People will run about in the short term and then the novelty wears off.

If you hardly mention it around them then they won’t bring it up because they don’t think about it if it doesn’t affect them. It’s it that people are awful it’s just … it’s how it is. It’s really awful but true that most people won’t help you long term unless there’s something in it for them - they love you, but more importantly for them they love the way you love them etc or they feel obligated and even then if no one was looking and there were no repercussions they wouldn’t help. Unless it’s your children most people don’t really care unless they’re attached to the outcome of caring in that there’s something in it for them to care. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I don’t want this to be true. There are amazing exceptions. I wish everyone who deserves those people who are exceptions can have them. I really wish that.

Personally I help any of my friends if they asked even if it was just a cold. I always offer help or to pick stuff up. Most of the time they don't take the offer but know it's there which I personally think help and other times they do. Fortunately iv not been in a position where I have had a friend in a situation where it is something serious.

I find that if you have a long term condition people can look at you completely differently. People worry that you will become a drain on them even if you never ask them for help, so you have to be more self sufficient than a person in perfect health.
Ideally, it is best to never tell anyone you have a medical condition But if people do find out, you have to accept that you will be seen as a potential drain. The trick then is never to ask for help or discuss your condition -people don't want to hear about it. And if they say "Why don't you ever ask for help" don't take that as meaning that you should.

Yeah fair enough and I think that's true. It's good to hear others thoughts as it's easy to internalise it as rejection and feel down about it (I have). But I agree most people have a lot on their plate.