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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong? And what shall I do? *content warning SA* added by MNHQ

110 replies

ShyRubyFox · 07/01/2025 13:49

Hello, I just need bit of advice as I don't think I can say this to anyone in real life.
I am 41 and have two children from a previous marriage. My recent partner has lived with me for 6 years, never paid any bills, supplied food or anything. I pay for everything. He kept his benefits for himself. That I think is bad enough tbh. We had many arguments over this yet nothing changed. Anyway I was already getting sick of this tbh. Also his phone was always hidden, I was never allowed on it.
He suffered with night paralysis most nights but didn't believe me when I said he was screaming in the night. I got a little camera and set it up to show him what happens so he could see it for himself.
In the morning I looked at the camera to find him taking photos of my vagina whilst I was asleep, carefully lifting my shorts up and then proceed to masterbate all over me. I stirred while he was doing this and I saw him quickly lay down and pretend to be asleep until I settled again. Then he continued. I feel so abused. I said this to him and he started crying saying he just missed me because we hadn't been very sexually active for a while. He told me I'm going over the top. I have now separated from him but he is still acting like a victim and texting my my teenage sons and my family. What shall I do please?

OP posts:
ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/01/2025 13:50

Report him to benefit fraud for starters & make a police report.

Poppyseeds79 · 07/01/2025 13:51

Umm, ignore him. And tell him if he doesn't fuck off you'll report it to the police.

shoogalypeg · 07/01/2025 13:51

I think you need to take this to the police 😡 what a disgusting bastard!

I’m so sorry you were violated in such way

OhBling · 07/01/2025 13:52

Yes, I'd be temted to report him to the police. But even if you don't do that, you need to a) block him b) tell your family and friends the truth, or whatever version of it you feel comfortable with c) stand by your decision because you know you are right to kick him out.

TheSandgroper · 07/01/2025 13:53

You go the police.

I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug.

But do go to the police. He has deeply violated you with his depravity. Call Women’s Aid for help if you don’t think you can do it alone. And Mumsnettters will do all they can to support you.

BeMellowOchreZebra · 07/01/2025 13:53

Contact the police! It's sexual assault!!

Anothernameonthewall · 07/01/2025 13:54

Don't want to read and run. I hope someone better qualified comes along to support you shortly.
Please go to the police. This is not ok and is serious sexual assault. That's 1 night. You don't know what else he has done.

TheSandgroper · 07/01/2025 13:54

You are going to get a lot of angry responses on here. Don’t read them if you don’t want to.

But we are all incandescent on your behalf.

Lollirocks · 07/01/2025 13:55

This is assault. Do you know what he has done with the photos? Definitely go to the police.
Hope you’re ok

Onlycoffee · 07/01/2025 13:56

Block him from your teenage sons phones, and tell your family why you've split up and suggest to them to block him.

Go to the police over the non consensual sexual assault.

Are you able to access counselling to help you process and recover from this? 💐

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 07/01/2025 13:56

You tell your children to block him. You tell him you are going to the police with the video footage of him violating you and to leave you alone. The police WILL take it seriously after the Pelicot case. Whether you decide to go the police or not is your decision but a firm message should make him back off. And yes, I'd tell the benefit fraud line all about him too, if you think he was claiming fraudulently.

Original poster
ShyRubyFox · 07/01/2025 13:56

Thank you all for your kind words, I just feel so sick x

OP posts:
LaDeeDaDeeDa · 07/01/2025 13:56

Police and cease all contact with him and explain to your children he has violated your trust and they must block him.

Original poster
ShyRubyFox · 07/01/2025 13:58

He actually admitted he had done it a couple of times and that's why he wouldn't let me use his phone because of the pics on there

OP posts:
ThrivingOutOfSpite · 07/01/2025 13:58

Your teenage sons should block him.
As pp have said, report to the police.

Original poster
ShyRubyFox · 07/01/2025 13:59

Also I don't want to tell my sons what he did to me,I don't want them having them images of there mum being abused

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 07/01/2025 14:01

Huge hugs op. Contact someone and please talk. Work out a plan to get him out of the house for a start

NameChangedOfc · 07/01/2025 14:01

TheSandgroper · 07/01/2025 13:53

You go the police.

I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug.

But do go to the police. He has deeply violated you with his depravity. Call Women’s Aid for help if you don’t think you can do it alone. And Mumsnettters will do all they can to support you.

Yes

blackpooolrock · 07/01/2025 14:02

Report him to the police - what he's done is vile

Original poster
ShyRubyFox · 07/01/2025 14:02

He is out now, has been since before Christmas

OP posts:
OhBling · 07/01/2025 14:03

Also, incientally, men like this who are displaying behaviour traits in line with covert narcissism (doesn't mean he is one, but there are traits), will absolutely wage a campaign against you in which he will do one or more of the following:

  • lie outrigt about what happened, what you did, what he did
  • claim that he DID do something wrong BUT.... he couldn't help it, he needs help, you were mean to him, he was insecure etc etc etc.
  • tell people twisted versions of every argument, disagreement or issue you've ever had, painting you as the baddie.

This strategy can be surprisingly effective, but often over the long term it totally backfires as people wise up. But your role is not to accept ANY of this shit. Prepare a line and stick to it if you don't want to go into any detail, "Well, in the 5 years he lived with me he never paid a penny and, as it turned out, he was also sexually assaulting me in my sleep so, sure, he thinks his life is hard but really, I'm much better off without him."

verdantverdure · 07/01/2025 14:03

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please take the film to the police and ask for support. You shouldn't be going through this on your own.

I don't know how old your children are but I don't think he should still be in contact with them since he is a sexual abuser and financial abuser of their mother.

Can you ring Refuge or Women's Aid for advice and support?

I bet this man has other women that he has done this to.

PonyPatter44 · 07/01/2025 14:03

You poor thing - i am so sorry this happened to you. You've had excellent advice about going to the police. This is not your shame, it is his. He is the sick little pervert.

If he is stupid enough to send pictures of you to your sons' phones, he deserves prison time.

WillimNot · 07/01/2025 14:03

Please please report this to the police.
He needs to be on a register because he will do this to another woman after you.

It's assault.

Get a restraining order for you, your DCs and family. Insist on bail conditions that he must not contact you and if he does report it straight away. Before he can delete the images from his phone you must contact the police.

And yes, report him for benefit fraud as well.

Dramatic · 07/01/2025 14:04

ChristmasGrinch24 · 07/01/2025 13:50

Report him to benefit fraud for starters & make a police report.

If she reports him she will also be liable for the money because it goes on household income.

However, you should definitely go to the police op, I'm so sorry he did that to you