Am I wrong? And what shall I do? *content warning SA* added by MNHQ

[ShyRubyFox]

Hello, I just need bit of advice as I don't think I can say this to anyone in real life.
I am 41 and have two children from a previous marriage. My recent partner has lived with me for 6 years, never paid any bills, supplied food or anything. I pay for everything. He kept his benefits for himself. That I think is bad enough tbh. We had many arguments over this yet nothing changed. Anyway I was already getting sick of this tbh. Also his phone was always hidden, I was never allowed on it.
He suffered with night paralysis most nights but didn't believe me when I said he was screaming in the night. I got a little camera and set it up to show him what happens so he could see it for himself.
In the morning I looked at the camera to find him taking photos of my vagina whilst I was asleep, carefully lifting my shorts up and then proceed to masterbate all over me. I stirred while he was doing this and I saw him quickly lay down and pretend to be asleep until I settled again. Then he continued. I feel so abused. I said this to him and he started crying saying he just missed me because we hadn't been very sexually active for a while. He told me I'm going over the top. I have now separated from him but he is still acting like a victim and texting my my teenage sons and my family. What shall I do please?

Good advice

Sweetie you don’t need to tell family any details unless you want to. They will probably know anyway as he was financially abusive. They may well have noticed things that you didn’t.

You can say you realised that he was very abusive.
If you want to say more, that he was emotionally coercive and you discovered that he was abusing you in your sleep.

As time passes, I think you’ll realise lots of other behaviours that are abusive, but that he has effectively trained you to accept.

Op, you've had lots of advice on here, so I'll just send you love and strength as it must be such a shock. Treat yourself kindly, it's a lot to process. And, most importantly, be proud of yourself that you told him where to go!

I am sorry you were abused by the person who is supposed to cherish you more than anyone else in the world. He has admitted that this was not a one-off offence and that there is more evidence on his phone.

Right now, this minute, is the one moment in time, that women might just be believed when they tell the police something.

Usually, I think there is no point in reporting things to the police but we have all seen the coverage about the abuse and torture of girls who were not believed by the police in the UK and the trial of Dominique Pelicot in France - this behaviour is inexcusable and should not be minimised, it is unlikely that this is the full extend of it.

That said - this is your choice. We are with you, whatever you decide, but this shame is not yours!!!

If you do want someone with you to report this to the police and to attend interviews etc.. just ask - someone will come - in fact - I would say, don't go alone, have someone bear witness to the response of the police.

I honestly believe that MN might play a really vital role in long term uncovering of the many many many manipulative, abusive men like your ex who, over a long time, get their partners so turned around that they think it is their fault that he is a terrible person. Becuase those women come on here, instinctively understanding that things aren't right but their partner has told them THEY are the problem, and the manipulation is often so skillful that the abuser's views are shared by the victim's friends and family... and then they see the 100s of responses telling them that no, this is NOT normal.

exBIL had PIL on his side for years. The irony is that they didn't even like him. But he managed to tap into the family dynamic in which SIL is portrayed as the "difficult" "tempestuous" one who often acts unreasonably, and as a result, for years, even though they didn't like him, they felt that the issues in the relationship were HER fault. I figured out what was happening from MN!

That's exactly what's been happening, I sit here wondering about alot of things and why I let them happen, I'm ashamed of myself

Don't be ashamed. Be proud of yourself for calling him out and for ending the relationship. Hold your head up high for seeing him for who he is. For now, cry, seek comfort, be angry, feel the emotions, then when you're ready take action in a way that works for you.

Shame must swap sides. The shame is his. You are a survivor. You have got him out of your house. Well done.

Thank you so much everyone x

Go to the police. This is assault. Have him locked up.

Well speaking on here has really helped me so much. I've never told anybody this before. So much support thank you

Fucking hell. That is a criminal abuse of intimacy and trust. If you cant report him to the police, I would be as transparent as you can be with the people around you. Do not let him play the fucking victim. That is sickening and outrageous.

This is where a porn soaked society gets you, a place where men feel entitled to use women's bodies as they see fit.

Totally agree with @ohBling. Men are being programmed by porn and society is telling women that it is all totally normal. That we want to be hurt during sex, that our bodies are commodities to be bought and sold, that this is all just being sex positive. It is so hard to be clear on what are healthy boundaries.

I do hope you can find your anger here. What he did to you is appalling. No person who ever cared about you would do this. He is not the person you thought he was, that person does not exist. He played a good enough game to get into your home and your bed, but now he has shown his true colours. He is a perverted, abusive man and deserves to be known as such.

Please report this to the police and make sure to send them the footage you have collected.

This is truly terrible OP and you must be in shock to hear everyone tell you that you have been a victim of sexual assault.

I don’t wish to worry you but the sooner the police get into his phone, the better. It is possible you have not uncovered the extent of his abuse on your camera for that one night. The police will get further evidence from his phone.

I think he admitted to the other occasion far too readily, which makes me think he could be hiding more.

You were right to get rid of the disgusting useless cocklodger, tell him not to contact you or your family again, explain to your sons that he did something completely unacceptable (you need not go into detail) and you want nothing more to do with him

In future don’t let anyone live in your house or into your life if they are not contributing, I cannot understand why you would do this, of course he wants to come back, you were financially supporting him and I presume making his dinners, doing his laundry and cleaning up after him aswell

I was doing all that aswell, I felt sorry for him because he has no family, I'm too soft. I know that now

He is a disgusting pervert. I am so glad you chucked him out and I beg you to never allow him into your life again!

@ShyRubyFox the shame is not yours. This is not on you. There is no justification whatsoever for what you have experienced. ❤️

The shame is not yours.

You are too nice, focus on yourself for a bit and make yourself the priority for a change, you deserve better

Yes this, you don't need to go into detail but tell your boys he was abusive and that you don't want any continued contact with him by anyone.

All the shame should be his, not yours.

Please don’t be ashamed of yourself.
You are an innocent person
He is a violating disgusting pervert.

Wash that toxic piece of shit from your life.

I’m so angry on your behalf, OP.
He’s repugnant.

I think its a choose your moment and choose your words issue but please do consider telling your sons what he did and that you would not stand for it? Maybe not now but at some point in the future. You may not want to go into detail but I think its important not to allow abusers to hide.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Abusers are often very subtle in their approach and he will have accustomed you to be accepting of the abuse over a long period of time. Be proud that you recognise it now and you’ve taken action.

Thank you