Am I wrong? And what shall I do? *content warning SA* added by MNHQ

[ShyRubyFox]

Hello, I just need bit of advice as I don't think I can say this to anyone in real life.
I am 41 and have two children from a previous marriage. My recent partner has lived with me for 6 years, never paid any bills, supplied food or anything. I pay for everything. He kept his benefits for himself. That I think is bad enough tbh. We had many arguments over this yet nothing changed. Anyway I was already getting sick of this tbh. Also his phone was always hidden, I was never allowed on it.
He suffered with night paralysis most nights but didn't believe me when I said he was screaming in the night. I got a little camera and set it up to show him what happens so he could see it for himself.
In the morning I looked at the camera to find him taking photos of my vagina whilst I was asleep, carefully lifting my shorts up and then proceed to masterbate all over me. I stirred while he was doing this and I saw him quickly lay down and pretend to be asleep until I settled again. Then he continued. I feel so abused. I said this to him and he started crying saying he just missed me because we hadn't been very sexually active for a while. He told me I'm going over the top. I have now separated from him but he is still acting like a victim and texting my my teenage sons and my family. What shall I do please?

Please don’t be ashamed, you’re a victim and haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve been really brave by making him leave, you also need to block him out of your life for good. Explain to your sons that he’s broken the law and that you’re reporting him, so they must block him. You can tell them details that you feel comfortable sharing with them later. Call one of the women’s charity phone lines that offer support and ask for help and advice. I’m sorry that a man has done this to you and he definitely doesn’t deserve your loyalty.

Maybe if you talk to family, one of them could support you if you do go to the police.

I know it's scary to go to the Police, but goodness knows what else he did to you whilst you slept. Also as I said previously, his next partner will be at risk. He is a sexual deviant. It doesn't bear thinking about what he could do in the longer-term.

You're obviously a kind, giving person @ShyRubyFox and men like your Ex seek out women like you, they take advantage of your kind nature. He fed you a sob story about having no family so you'd take him in, he cried when you found him out he'd SA you so you wouldn't report him, basically he's scum.. Reporting to the police would be wise but it's totally your choice. If you want to go down the police route don't tell anyone first, don't give him time or warning to destroy evidence because you may not be his only victim.
I'm very glad you found him out Op, now forget the shame, it's him who should be ashamed and who needs exposing for the pervert he is

Please report him to the police. He’s predatory and vile.

Dear god this is bad. It reminds me of the poor woman in France recently on the news. I wish you cottage and pride. You deserve so much better.

What he did was voyeurism and it is illegal and. you must report him to the police.
His behaviour is disgusting and totally out of order - makes you wonder what else he has been up to.

No I didnt

So sorry this happened to you
yes block on your kids phones and if they are old enough I’d tell them why and it could start a conversation about consent

hi OP, firstly I want to say that I am so sorry this has happened to you and secondly I am full of admiration for the way you are dealing with it. He has violated not only your body but your spirit and to have done these hideous acts while you were asleep and vulnerable in your own home is depraved. Well done for getting rid of him and for not letting him manipulate you by playing on your empathy. I hope that each day will find you stronger, even though I am sure there will be times when the shock of what you have been may persist . Wishing freedom and only good things for you.

Thank god you found out OP. Imagine how many other women out there are being used and filmed without consent.

Imagine if it had gone on longer. It has shades of Dominique Pelincourt the monster rapist from Avignon.

You also need to ask him for access to his phone to his PC to everything and wipe it and from the 28 day memory too.

I think you should bloody back off a bit here rubyringster! Remember you're speaking to someone with SA trauma and maybe hold off some victim blaming please.

She maybe subconsciously thought something was going on at night and good thing she did as she never would have uncovered her abuse if she gave him a heads up!

Op I know this is horrific to deal with but you rapt should consider going to the police. He could have been drugging you and done much worse. I know it’s hard to consider going to the police but you have actual evidence that goes hugely in your favour. The police really are very good at dealing with these sorts of crimes and you will have designated support workers and be treated with the utmost respect throughout. I have been through it myself and while it was brutal and hard to actively discuss what happened to me, it gave me the energy and impetus to hold my head up and process what happened and to regain some self confidence. Therapy also helped.

sending you hugs.

As always, top comment absolutely nails it!

Of course you don't but sadly I wouldn't put it past this creep to send them the photos himself!

Also, that shame you are feeling , it’s a useless emotion. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You did nothing wrong and simply trusted a man that presented as a bit of a twat but you didn’t know he was doing this. Be bringing charges and seeing him prosecuted you could potentially free yourself of this feeling and know that it was 100% him and completely and utterly his choice to violate you. He did it knowingly. It was a choice he made repeatedly and his trying to cover it up highlights this and reinforces that he knew 100% he was in the wrong.

1- back up your camera recording, and give it to the police

2- block him from your kids as pp said

3- do you have access to his phone? or wherever he is backing up these photos? ask the police about what to do with these, ask them to take note of this as evidence. a bit of a double edged sword - you dont want to delete them just yet as they are evidence on his phone. but you want to delete them so he cannot share with outside world or threaten you with doing so.

4- this is not your fault - dont let him make you think so and be strong. he is not the man you thought he was. he is dangerous and needs to be kicked out asap.

💐

He's on benefits and presumably CHOOSES not to work.
He doesn't contribute to any household payments.
He wanks whilst taking indecent photos of you whilst you sleep.

What a vile, repugnant excuse of a "man". Please tell the police, also block him on every social media.

Please report him to the police. You have proof, too, so there's no disputing what happened!

First post gets it once again!

No way in hell it’s the first or only time he’s done this and I bet he does other stuff too. Report it, for other women’s sake if not your own.