Am I wrong? And what shall I do? *content warning SA* added by MNHQ

[ShyRubyFox]

Hello, I just need bit of advice as I don't think I can say this to anyone in real life.
I am 41 and have two children from a previous marriage. My recent partner has lived with me for 6 years, never paid any bills, supplied food or anything. I pay for everything. He kept his benefits for himself. That I think is bad enough tbh. We had many arguments over this yet nothing changed. Anyway I was already getting sick of this tbh. Also his phone was always hidden, I was never allowed on it.
He suffered with night paralysis most nights but didn't believe me when I said he was screaming in the night. I got a little camera and set it up to show him what happens so he could see it for himself.
In the morning I looked at the camera to find him taking photos of my vagina whilst I was asleep, carefully lifting my shorts up and then proceed to masterbate all over me. I stirred while he was doing this and I saw him quickly lay down and pretend to be asleep until I settled again. Then he continued. I feel so abused. I said this to him and he started crying saying he just missed me because we hadn't been very sexually active for a while. He told me I'm going over the top. I have now separated from him but he is still acting like a victim and texting my my teenage sons and my family. What shall I do please?

Sending hugs. What a horrible discovery. Glad you’ve chucked him out.

You don't need to go into a lot of detail with your sons, but I think you are doing them a disservice if you let them continue to believe he is the wronged party here. Partly because if and when they figur either out, it's going to be very upsetting that you, in effect, lied to them all this time. And partly because I would not want his influence over them continuing.

Police, now. He'll do it to someone else, or worse.

Thank you everybody for your support, it means so much. Now you've made it clear to me how bad it is I think I am going to speak to my family. It will be very hard but I'm going to do it

Report him to the police and ask your sons to block him on their phones and social media.

Hand the camera footage over to the police too.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You must be shocked and devastated. I think this is probably the most shocking thing I've ever read on here a I actually gasped and clapped my hand to my mouth. I even hoped it might be a troll thread, it's that awful.

Don't minimise to yourself or anyone else the seriousness of what he has done. This is sexual assault and he knew what he was doing. The fact he pretended to be asleep when you stirred then carried on tells you he knew it was wrong, but didn't care.

Please report him to the police as he will do this to someone else. Hopefully the police can force the images to be destroyed.

I understand you not wanting to tell your kids the truth, but as teenage boys who will likely be looking at porn at some point in the future you don't want to risk them stumbling across these images! I would tell them that you found evidence he had taken indecent photographs of you without your consent. You don't need to give the rest of the details unless they are old enough for a talk about those specific actions and to reiterate how it's never ok AND you feel comfortable talking it through.

Definitely block him on the kids devices, unless they are his children he should not be contacting them. You certainly don't want his influence on their characters!

On yours, screenshot everything if he admits guilt etc. just in case he deletes it later. Block him so he cannot contact you. Don't give him the heads up about the police as this will give him chance to delete everything.

Find your anger and use it to push aside any shame - the only shame belongs to HIM. Don't let him get away with this.

Once again, I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it.

Women's Aid and Refuge can advise you on how to talk to your family if that's what you need help with.

I'd be tempted to just show one of them the video and go from there but that's probably terrible advice.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you all need that abuser out of your lives.

I'm not brave enough to do that

I'm probably not either. It would just save having to find a way to put it into words.

Maybe you could show a family member this thread?

He was so good at making me feel like I was over reacting, I even cuddled him while he cried that I caught him ffs. I tried to carry on but in the end I couldn't look at him no more and I left him

He’s a revolting pervert,op.
What a hideous man.

Yeah. He's an abuser lovely. Manipulating people is what they do. He's currently trying to manipulate you and your whole family including your children. That's why you have to do something to stop him.

I'm so sorry that he has put you in this position.

What he did to you is sexual abuse, a crime. In your shoes I would report him to the police and tell your teen sons in an age-appropriate way what he did. Then ask them to block him and never have anything to do with him again.

You have caught the SA on camera - this is the best proof ever to get a conviction! Please report this to the police asap, because it stands a higher chance of the CPS agreeing to charge him thanks to the footage you captured. Don't let him tell you that it's was nothing and that he missed you. He sounds like a sexual predator (not letting you see his phone? Red flag) - and could possibly do the same to someone else. He sounds dangerous.

What a disgusting, depraved, pervert loser.

I'm glad you're going to tell your family. It is not your shame to bear. Be is the one that has assaulted you.

Make your son's block him. I know you say you don't want to tell them, but they need to block him.

He cannot have any access to you or your family.

Hope you are okay OP 🙏

Op I’m on a train at moment and r

Thank you everybody for backing me on this, I really wasn't sure if I was over reacting. I know now I'm not. Thank you so much for your support, I feel a bit braver to tell my family

Oh OP, I am so sorry, that is absolutley appalling. I hope you find the support you need. 100% get your children to block him on their phones and social media.

As gently as possible I would get the police involved, they would be able to confiscate his phone and delete any images and make sure he no longer has them anymore or post them online or to anybody else. Your children will not have to know and you could get a court order so he can no longer contact you. Xx Sending massive hugs.

I agree with pp's that you should go to the police.

It's sexual abuse and my ex did the same thing. The police found the evidence when they were investigating him for an unrelated offence. They took it very seriously and I've had a lot of support as a result.

You need to report this to them. You may not want to proceed to a prosecution on your own account, and they won't pressure you, but they will check his devices and arrange support for you.

You are not overreacting. Sick bastard that he is!

Don't feel pressured to report to the police if you're not ready to. Speak to an agency like rape crisis or refuge and see what your options are, they can put you in touch with a local charity who will have access to therapists and advocates who can help you both process what has happened and talk you through the criminal proceedings so you can make an informed decision when you're ready. So sorry you've experienced this. I hope you have kicked him out.

Reading your post made me gasp with horror He’s a sexual predator .

Give the footage to the police .. obviously

I think you need to report. I would also be concerned about if those images were circulated with others. Unfortunately this happens a lot. I hope the police treat you with respect and kindness, but sometimes they can be a bit rubbish with this sort of thing, so bring someone with you if you can.

It's not obvious. She's been violated once, it is now up to her how she wants to go from here. Let her decide what to do and regain control of the situation.