Am I wrong? And what shall I do? *content warning SA* added by MNHQ

[ShyRubyFox]

Hello, I just need bit of advice as I don't think I can say this to anyone in real life.
I am 41 and have two children from a previous marriage. My recent partner has lived with me for 6 years, never paid any bills, supplied food or anything. I pay for everything. He kept his benefits for himself. That I think is bad enough tbh. We had many arguments over this yet nothing changed. Anyway I was already getting sick of this tbh. Also his phone was always hidden, I was never allowed on it.
He suffered with night paralysis most nights but didn't believe me when I said he was screaming in the night. I got a little camera and set it up to show him what happens so he could see it for himself.
In the morning I looked at the camera to find him taking photos of my vagina whilst I was asleep, carefully lifting my shorts up and then proceed to masterbate all over me. I stirred while he was doing this and I saw him quickly lay down and pretend to be asleep until I settled again. Then he continued. I feel so abused. I said this to him and he started crying saying he just missed me because we hadn't been very sexually active for a while. He told me I'm going over the top. I have now separated from him but he is still acting like a victim and texting my my teenage sons and my family. What shall I do please?

Did he know that you were setting the camera up?

If so, wtaf did he think would happen when you saw?

Was he so sure that he could talk his way out of it or convince you that it was OK?

I think you have to stop him from contacting your sons.

He is absolutely disgusting.

She isn't responsible for his actions. Don't put that on her.

It’s not a case of feeling abused you have been abused both sexually and financially. You’ve got all the footage there to take to the Police if you’re wanting to go down that route. Neither the Police CPS or Jury can um and arr when there’s video evidence. The beast was crying because he was caught.
I don’t need to tell you do I Please get rid this relationship will not get any better, i promise you. To continue on this Relationship is not only bad for you it’s bad for your children. Obviously I can’t say for sure or make any accusations but I would be very shocked if you were the first women he’s done this too.

Hi, OP. My heart goes out to you. If you dont feel sure about or ready to go to the police yet, have a look at sexual assault support in your area. They will be able to help you decide what you want to do, and provide support while you do it. I am so sorry this happened to you. Echo earlier comments - he cried cos he was caught, not because he was sorry. Might be helpful to remind yourself of that.

For starters. I think Sexual assault is a far far worse crime than benefit fraud.

Have my first leave the bastard. This is so, so bad- please report to the police and eject this scum from you and your children's lives x

ugh this is so true. It’s so fucking annoying. Like maddening annoying. Like literally turn you mad annoying. It’s so hard to stand up to them or tell other people about their behaviour because you know that they will so convincingly lie and the other person either won’t believe you, or will be unsure and/or uncomfortable being “in the middle”. So you just don’t bother and try to keep the peace.

But honestly op your sons shouldn’t be around him and should know the truth - he will be filling their heads with abusive tendencies even if it’s super subtle and long term. He WILL turn them against you. Tell them now. Get the police involved - do you have any evidence? Make sure they know that men who do this kind of thing are revolting. The longer you let him talk to them the more leverage he has to say “well why would she have let her sons talk to me if I was an evil pervert?” He will make it out that you didn’t tell them because he never did anything. And use the fact you’ve allowed contact to prove it.

I’d go so deep tbh I’d probably make them watch age appropriate films about abuse, go to a local event/volunteer for a domestic abuse charity, do the freedom programme or whatever similar thing you can do for men/non abusers wanting to be an ally… (although men get abused too so not necessarily a bad idea to ensure they can spot red flags in partners anyway). I’d make my friends gather round me to show them that a community wouldn’t accept this behaviour.

Go full fucking victim, ensure you’ll beat him at his own game, and cut him right out.

•edited to add age appropriate films like a YouTube ‘what is domestic abuse’ video

Please hand the footage over to the police. You won't be the last person he does this too. I bet it's the tip of the iceberg. I dread to think what else is on his phone. The only reason Giselle Pellicots husband was caught was because someone reported him for doing the same thing to women in the supermarket. Just because you're not a stranger makes it no less dreadful. I would ask the police to seize his phone and computers

I can’t imagine how you feel. You need to focus on yourself, he’s taken advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable. It might help to speak to a doctor /nurse/ professional about this to navigate this horrific experience and make sure you are ok.
You should report him to the police but if you don’t feel strong enough just yet a professional will be able to help you and provide some support.

He is continuing to harass you and needs to be stopped. Personally I would archive and mute rather than block at this stage, to gather more evidence against him. You can’t view the messages and won’t get notified (at least my mob doesn’t).
He has committed a crime and I sincerely hope you get justice OP.

Oh my goodness, OP. This has to be the most upsetting and shocking experience I’ve read about here on Mumsnet. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Well done on getting him out of your life. Sending you a big hug and lots of strength as you decide what to do next. You’ll find lots of support here on MN.