To say 50/50 isn't ideal for many children?

[cadburyegg]

50/50 seems to be thought of as the best way to share children after a split but AIBU to think that this isn't always best for the children involved?

My children are with me approx 80% of the time and they love being "at home". They don't talk about their dads being another home, even though I do. I know they would hate having to move around every week and never having one base, they find it hard enough EOW.

So AIBU? Or if you have 50/50 are the kids happy with it?

That's a heartbreaking story. However, I don't think you were unhappy because your parents split custody 50/50. I think you were unhappy because your father was a bitter, disengaged parent who put hurting your mother above supporting your best interests. Regardless of if they'd have been forced to stay together, or split custody any other way, you'd still have had a shit father who would have made your childhood miserable.

As a child I lived with my.mother and saw my fathers every 3rd weekend (and my brother saw our mother every 3rd weekend so bro and I saw each other 2 weekends a month) when I was age 12 dad stopped this weekend visit and took me out for dinner once a month.

I would have claimed I wanted a base and would hate to not have a home as a child and a teenager. However as an adult I can see and understand how damaging to our relationships with the non resident parent this was. Our mother died 10 years ago this year. Bro says outright he doesn't miss her..she was not a big part of his life (he was 3 when they divorced)
Dad is still around sister (7 years older so was 12 when they divorced and stayed with dad almost permanently) doesn't get why I am not in more regular contact with our dad. I speak with him once every 2 weeks similar amount of time he gave me as a child.

I'm not close to my dad I love him he is my father I know he loves me. However the divorce and the distance meant we did not have that parent bond. The opposite was true for my brother.

Yet I can tell you outright that as a child/teen I would.not have wanted 50/50. As an adult I understand why this would have benefitted my relationship with both parents.

I will here say I had 2 parents that wanted to parent their children. If you have an x who is not so interested it will give different results.

However it is not as simple as saying 50/50 is bad. Many things are not ideal sometimes we just have to make the best of the situation we find ourself in.

@Petching I’m sorry if you’ve already said or if I’m bringing up bad memories but are you able to elaborate on why you think the 50:50 caused the breakdown in your relationship? We parent 50:50 and it seems (so far over the past 7 years) to be building strong bonds with both me and ex DH. I’d be devastated if my children went NC when older because of what we are trying to do for the best (for me personally it would be far easier to have them 100% of the time). Thank you

Anna Whitehouse (“Mother Pukka” Instagram twat) tried this. Here’s and article on it. It didn’t end well and she’s a bit of a car crash now, was engaged and pregnant within 3 month of meeting a new bloke. And they were well off and privileged, so if they couldn’t make it work, I’m not sure how others would, especially the run in costs of 3 homes.

If you can get through her awful work waffle, this article talks about it.

.Insufferably smug article

This is totally not feasible for most and leaves you very much still in a relationship with an ex you’ve tried to break free from. Sharing two properties together!? Rotating between the two? Having zero privacy or safe space in your own home, your bed also being your Ex partners bed half of the time..?? Absolutely fuck all of that.

I can speak from experience here. I have two girls by different fathers, neither of which I am still with (judge away..) DD1 is 15 and has never spent more than EOW with her dad. DD2 is 10. We used to do 40/60 but in the last couple of years it has been 50/50 at his insistence. I would say 50/50 is very hard on the child. Constant transitioning is disorienting for her, and for me it feels like there’s not enough ‘time’ for me to help her regulate before she’s off again. And when she is with me she is far more demanding than I feel she would be if she was here full time.

Occasionally she might be with me for a 10 day stretch due to holidays or whatever, and I find she’s much more chilled when she’s here for longer periods. Ideally I wouldn’t do 50/50, I’d have her more, but he wants 50/50 and she wants it to be ‘fair’. My older dd is far more settled and less emotionally reactive, but I guess that could just be personality.

Nesting takes away a lot of the problems that 50/50 poses for the children. Honestly best for kids and can't believe more parents don't do this. Selfishness probably.

I think money. Ita hars enough to do 1 home let alone 2 or 3.

As a child of divorced parents
Both remarried and had new children
I hated both my step parents and they hated me
Thank god I had a settled home and only had to visit my dad every other weekend.
I absolutely wouldn't of coped with moving 50/50 between two homes
I feel desperately sorry for any child in that situation
It is clear to me it is about meeting the needs of the parents not the children
If 50/50 was about meeting the childrens needs ,they would stay in the home and the parents would choose to alternate living there ..but ofcourse that doesn't happen, because it's all about the parents rights ..not the childrens needs

Who can afford to keep the family home going and then also their own homes?

As part of my job I used to see a group of children and young people who were struggling with their access arrangements - make no claim that they were a representative sample

But these were the common themes

deeply unhappy
didn't feel listened to
never felt settled
moving from one home to the other was disruptive
personal items/schoolwork and kit would get left at the other home

The biggest and loudest complaint was that 'adults wouldn't want to live like this'

Having a great deal of money can solve some of these problems but not all

A lot of posters here are talking about the best or ideal way but I think that different things will work best for different families.

This sounds OK... where can you read what happened next or where it went wrong?
I assume the shared flat would have two bedrooms!

My parents were divorced and set up 50/50 care between them. They’d have said it was going well but I struggled a lot. If someone asked me where my actual home was, I couldn’t answer them. I hated that my clothes and belongings were all split across both houses and I couldn’t have certain things if I was in the other house. I hated having two beds and bedrooms as well.

Eventually in my early teens I decided to be at my mums more for some stability (which broke my dad’s heart and I feel terrible about it to this day). I don’t know if there is truly a good outcome for the kids in divorce when both parents are so loving and involved.

@Mydogisamassivetwat but a divorced couple are already running two households. It costs no extra money. In fact it could be cheaper as the second home could be a smaller one bed as the children don't need rooms.

Do many separated couples have the funds to do this though?

We do 50/50, our daughter calls both houses home, and is happy and thriving! I'm sure if she was only at her dad's 20% if the time, she'd call mine 'home' and his 'dad's house'.

Google her. She writes lots of tripe about everything, it’s actually quite hard to get to the bottom of as there’s is so much waffle to wade through, but It seems it fell apart when they met new partners and she moved on VERY fast with a new baby.

But who would want to share a flat with the ex, even if you were there at different times? Divorce is hard enough without that added into the mix.

Largely because my Dad is not a nice man who used 50/50 primarily as a way of having power over my mother and had 0 interest in actually parenting us. And because I was a very sensitive child who found moving between houses extremely disruptive and difficult.

50/50 is crap for children. Kids deserve their own permanent home without the stress of moving around all the time. It would be bad enough doing that as an adult never mind doing it with the angst of growing up too. It’s often the only choice though if both parents want to spend time with children given particular circumstances so I don’t necessarily see a better solution- unless the parents are willing to still spend time together and create that family unit.

I agree, I would have hated 50/50 as a child. I only really saw my DF on a Sunday as a child as he was always at work!
I have a very strong bond with both my DP but I was a child of the 70’s there wasn’t as much mental load. As I didn’t go to any clubs and wore my own clothes for school until secondary.

I doubt many people would want that set up. I know I would want my own space. Not to sleep in the bed my ex was in last week. And you know there would be arguments over cleaning etc, in both houses. it sounds like a recipe for disaster. And what if one of them met someone else?

Ok thanks for that. Sounds like actions rather than the circumstances were the problem. I imagine nesting is a good option at the start..

@Mydogisamassivetwat I don't know. Maybe you'd do it for the happiness and stability of your children. Or do your children not come first? Plus you wouldn't be sharing with them at the same time. You have a schedule.

Our court ordered 50:50 never happened because he just wanted to win, but it would have involved the kids taking their entire life to school on a Friday as he didn't provide anything - clothes, shoes, uniform, weekend clothes, gadgets, books, sports kits, clubs kits. Plus a three hour trip on buses at the age of 11. All to sleep on a sofa for a week.

By teens, they just want to chill in their bedrooms. Not be ferried around when told to.

Not sure how any of that is good for the child.