To say 50/50 isn't ideal for many children?

[cadburyegg]

50/50 seems to be thought of as the best way to share children after a split but AIBU to think that this isn't always best for the children involved?

My children are with me approx 80% of the time and they love being "at home". They don't talk about their dads being another home, even though I do. I know they would hate having to move around every week and never having one base, they find it hard enough EOW.

So AIBU? Or if you have 50/50 are the kids happy with it?

I can’t see the word “letting” anywhere in my post. I asked whether you would feel differently about 50/50 working if you were a parent who presently only had a small amount of time with their children and wanted more.

"Allowing", then.

We do 50:50

Their dad lives a 2 minute walk away. We live on the same estate. We do have fixed rota as it’s a lot easier that way for meals, clubs and when to expect them home from school. They are 12 and 15.

But there’s a lot of flexibility both sides! They are always flitting between houses at the weekend, if they want a certain pair of jeans or shoes or whatever. That they left at the other house. It works great for them. But we all get on (incl new partners in this) so that’s probably the biggest thing.

I think there needs to be more acknowledgement of this. None of the set ups for children of divorced parents are great.

I think most divorced parents are aware of this. Sorry we didn't have a crystal ball I guess.

I was going to say the same thing

Divorce sucks for children. It’s needed, but it still sucks.

50/50 is there for the children to have meaningful relationships with both parents equally. Obviously the logistics can be a nightmare and some children will find it very unsettling.

However, in the event of the parent’s’ relationship irrevocably breaking down, and both parents committed to being involved parents (which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong) there isn’t a “fair”
alternative to anyone.

Least worst, rather than ideal.

We have to allow fathers the opportunity to step up, if they want to do so. This includes courts taking a more even approach to childcare and moving away from the old stereotype of dads as only being good for every other weekend Disney Dad fun times.

It sounds as though your ex doesn’t want this opportunity, therefore conversations about 50/50 and what courts should try to facilitate for fathers who want to be equal parents isn’t really relevant to you (and I can’t work out why you took a broad statement about fathers in general so personally) but we shouldn’t allow the attitudes of useless men to dictate the way the children of men who want to be fully involved parents are treated.

Honestly I don’t know. He has them a little more in school holidays and takes them on a short holiday every summer.

I suppose the crux in my case is that HE thinks that’s enough, so that’s what he does. I hope he’s right. It’s been this way since they were 2 and 5 and now they are 5 and 8 and they love him, get excited to see him.

Yes I've heard of nesting and that sounds ideal for the children involved. There are a number of reasons why it wouldn't work for us.

Unfair that my exh just gets the fun bits, sure....

Yanbu.
Kids should stay in the house and the parents move back and forth half the time.

Mine hated it. We tried changing the way it worked in terms of how many days before they swapped and they still hated it. My eldest asked her Dad if she could just go on a weekend (she was about 14) and he said no. They both ended up being 100% with me without me saying a word to him ans he didn’t take me to court so I’m guessing he realises the judge would have taken teenagers wants I to consideration and I’m convinced if he hadn’t insisted on 50/50 their relationship would be better (neither have spoken to him in about 3-4 years) they’re now 24 and 19.

I agree with you OP. As a child I would have hated having to constantly juggle two houses (with homework, sports kit, clothes, toys, playdates, etc) and I think many people convince themselves it's okay because "fairness". It would make DS' head explode, but he does have SN so perhaps not typical.

OTOH so many fathers have to be coerced into doing more than the absolute bare minimum for their kids, and would likely run for the hills at the idea of 50/50 care (DH included), so it seems to be an uncommon problem.

The problem is that this rarely works. Some couples divorce amicably and can maintain a really good friendship and co-parenting relationship, but most couples divorce because they can’t stand being and living with each other any more. “Nesting” is the worst of both worlds: you have all of the expense of maintaining two households, yet you still have to reach agreements and compromise with your ex over e.g. finances, cleaning and domestic hygiene standards, the mental load, the other people they are having sex with etc. If you couldn’t do this when married, you’re unlikely to be able to do this when divorced.

A loving relationship with both parents as much as possible is best for the children. It doesn’t have to be exactly 50:50, could be 3 nights with mam, 4 nights dad, or 2:2 etc… but anyone who justifies their child only seeing their dad once every other week is beyond selfish. I think money plays a role, plus boredom and they pass it off as it’s the best interest for their child… doubt that.

I don’t know. I grew up with divorced parents, and spent about 3 nights a fortnight with my dad, so about your 80%. It’s only now as an adult, that I can appreciate how that negatively impacted my relationship with him. It didn’t ever feel just ‘normal’ to be at my dad’s. My dad and step-mam didn’t ever do anything that made us feel excluded, but we were never part of just daily life. I wish now that we’d been able to spend more time there, rather than feeling like we had to squeeze in every story we wanted to tell, every family game we wanted play etc. It always felt a bit like the rushed end of a holiday.

We do 80/20. I am the 80%, my ex couldn't cover the school run/activies etc with work and other commitments so has 2 nights a week, I still do the morning school run on his weekday morning. DC always chooses to stay with me, rarely asked to go to their DF, but I think that is more to do with the was DF paretns, even when we were together DC would come to me rather than ex

I don't think we would ever to 50/50, ex has never asked and DC certainly wouldn't. Obviously it works for some

I hazard a guess they wouldn’t like it if they were the parent with 20%!

I know 2 families who do 50/50 ( friends of my DD) and all the DC hate it . Comments include not feeling they have a proper home .
In both cases it’s to avoid CM .

I knew someone would mention money. I don't get maintenance at all.

Just trying to see if there's a silver lining in my exh not wanting to do 50% of parenting, financially or practically. But sure I'm the selfish one 😂

My ideal (as in for me and what I think is best for my children) is every other long weekend, Friday after school collection and taking them to school Monday morning. Plus half of school holidays.

I think that benefits them in that they have a base with me, they see their dad for chunks of time but it’s fun based and he gets to check in with school by doing that pick up and drop off fortnightly.

it’s still great for him as he still has all the fun but I get a bit of a break and my children have their home and chance to spend quality time with their dad.

Any tips on convincing him, please share.

Ultimately what works for one child won’t work for another so there is always going to be variation.

Im sure OP you would quickly change your opinion on this if your ex was awarded majority custody with you seeing your kids EOW.

@ComtesseDeSpair
We have to allow fathers the opportunity to step up, if they want to do so.

Why do we have to allow this? What if the children prefer a different arrangement? Why should it be father centric?

Would you be ok with that situation from
dads perspective? So you being the one that only gets every other weekend?

The best scenario of it really^^ is putting ex first would be the dc staying in one house and the parents swapping out 50:50. But not many parents are willing to do this because it's inconvenient and no one likes to move around like that. Except the ex of course 🙄

These same parents insist their dc love going back and forth and that they will feel happy in two homes. Even though the parents wouldn't feel happy doing that themselves.

Terrible spell check. 'Really putting dc first'*

It's not actually that great for him