To say 50/50 isn't ideal for many children?

[cadburyegg]

50/50 seems to be thought of as the best way to share children after a split but AIBU to think that this isn't always best for the children involved?

My children are with me approx 80% of the time and they love being "at home". They don't talk about their dads being another home, even though I do. I know they would hate having to move around every week and never having one base, they find it hard enough EOW.

So AIBU? Or if you have 50/50 are the kids happy with it?

Good for you, but it’s very unusual for divorcing parents to then decide to stay single for the remainder of their child’s childhood.

I didn’t say I would remain single, I’m not looking for a relationship now but who knows in future. I wouldn’t however involve my kids in my love life, introduce a new partner or move in with someone while my kids are still children living at home. It’s their home first and foremost, I wouldn’t bring someone new to live there - my want for a new relationship doesn’t override their need to feel safe and secure in their own home.

Your ex is a crap dad so 50/50 would be crap for the kids in your case. I don't think your experience qualifies you to speculate about the impact of 50/50 not being ideal to many children, as you have never done it yourself.

Fair enough

I feel the same as you

All the time? I thought what we saw all the time is men walking away from their children and failing to support them properly when their relationship with the mother failed. That seems are far more common phenomenon to me.

Those are usually the kinds of men who demand overnights with young babies in order to spite the mother, having previously done sweet FA to parent.

My own Dad was like that. Didn't actually give a shit about us, only wanted us in order to hurt my mother.

I'm not going to respond to the unkind posts directly other than to say that I had no idea that the loving man I married would turn into a sexist inept manchild after our children arrived. And it's wearing to have to feel like I have to justify it on every thread I make. I hope this makes some posters feel good for making better life choices 👍

I suspect the reason it's not more common is because when adults now were kids, 50/50 wasn't very common.

Give it another 20 years and see what happens.

TBH I always thought 50/50 was devised to reduce problems with maintenance payments/calculations, ie if you do 50/50 there's usually no maintenance? And I agree it probably suits parents better than children.

I've taught children in 50:50 set ups and from the outside looking in, for those children I knew, it wasn't best for them. One in particular comes into my mind as she was the first I'd know in that situation - going back maybe 15years. She was always tired and teary and so often had to explain something to her friends from the point of view of which parent she was with at that moment. They weren't living far apart. Emotions were always running high and that was 4 years after initial separation.

You are right, I've just Googled it. I was told by an ex-friend it was about the lead singer's stepsister dying of cancer. The ex-friend is an ex-friend because you can't trust a word he says. I should have remembered that before taking his word on this subject.

I think I would have hated 50:50. Maybe if it was all I’d known from a young age it would have been OK and I can only speak from my own experience. My parents didn’t separate until I was 12.5, so I’d had a substantial chunk of childhood in one house. It was bad enough having divorcing parents, even relatively amicable ones, without having to then live in two different houses. They were perhaps unusual in not really doing the EOW thing as they didn’t want things to be set in stone. We went to our dad’s most weekends, but only from Saturday afternoon.

I always regarded my mum’s house as “home”and my secure base (although I didn’t particularly like the area) and my dad’s house was just somewhere I went to spend time with him at the weekend. I kept a minimum of stuff there. He often came to our house as well, for example during the school holidays (he got the holidays off but my mum didn’t). His house wasn’t that great but it was all he could afford after moving out.

I also don’t see how 50:50 would have been practical, as his house was about 5 miles from my school and not easy to get to by bus, and both my parents worked full-time outside the home some distance away. He would have had to drop us off well before school started and it would have been difficult to get from school to his house. My mum’s house was 10 minutes’ walk from school.

This is exactly the reason 50/50 specifically is pushed for by otherwise useless and uncaring men

I know someone who's nesting, but they are lucky as they have somewhere to stay with family on their non days. I also know a couple with teenagers who have continued to live in the same home with strict rules and boundaries and this is working surprisingly well. They're only a year in. They can't afford two homes.

@Petching I have never seen a court award 50/50 to the father of a breastfeeding baby.

That would involve 3 houses? Running two is hard enough

I think the adults should try it tbh. How would you feel spending half your week in a different house? Could you feel they were equally home or would you be spending half the week not fully relaxed? Could you cope with remembering to either have two sets of everything or to cart your stuff around like youre permanently traveling?
I think the only kind way ro do it is to have one family home where the kids stay and then two separate flats the adults go to alternately.

Are they usually the sort of men that take their children overnight from infancy though? Is that what your dad actually did or was it just spite and bluster? Lots of inadequate men claim to want 50:50 then disappear just like the morning mist when it actually comes to it, the ones that gothrough with it seem to be the dads that really do want to be involved.

totally unaffordable for vast majority

I never said they did.

Yes he did and I have lasting memories of my 7 month old BF brother sobbing for my mum all night.

Are you still living in the former marital home, OP? If you are, that would also explain why they see it as home more than your ex's place.

But even if you aren't, then only spending 20% of the time there means they won't see it as home and they won't have the same relationship with Dad as with you. I think that's really sad for them, unless he was abusive.

As a fully functional, neurotypical adult, I would find it really hard to switch between houses every week. I imagine I would have struggled with it a lot as a child.
I think the ideal option for the children, if you can afford it, is for them to stay in the family home and the parents to switch between that house and a flat nearby on alternate weeks. It does involve really good communication and significant sacrifice for the adults and probably makes it much less likely you'll be able to start another family with a new partner though.

Yes

I've always said he can see the children and have them to stay when he wants. I thought he'd be fighting to have them more but actually he works far less than I do and has them less. So yes it's sad and I feel very sad for them but ultimately I've had to make peace with it as it's his choice

I know someone who stayed with dad Mon-Fri and mum who'd moved away on weekends but as a teen chose to go and live with mum.. has great relationship with both. It can work.

I had a job where I had to live in 2 different places for a while. It fucking SUCKED. You'd forgot what was where, need two of lots of things, had to keep carting things from one place to another.
Why would this be any fun for children?

Divorce is SHIT for kids. My parents both married 3 times so I feel well versed to say that it ruins children in a massive way, and this would just compound it. Don't ever try to kid yourself the kids are fine with it all. They aren't and they'll never tell you otherwise as they don't want to upset you. Better off in one place with the odd weekend with the other parent, but either way, it's shit for them.