To say 50/50 isn't ideal for many children?

[cadburyegg]

50/50 seems to be thought of as the best way to share children after a split but AIBU to think that this isn't always best for the children involved?

My children are with me approx 80% of the time and they love being "at home". They don't talk about their dads being another home, even though I do. I know they would hate having to move around every week and never having one base, they find it hard enough EOW.

So AIBU? Or if you have 50/50 are the kids happy with it?

Unpopular opinion but genuinely don't think people should be moving in with new partners while children are still at home.

Blended families simply don't work.

Some do, some don't.

But putting your children first sometimes means avoiding conflict with the other parent. Some exes, men and women are very difficult. Sharing a flat with them, and the family home one week on and one week off could be a disaster. I know my ex would have made that intolerable for me and it would not have been putting our son first at all.

Like anything, it depends on the people involved.

Thank you - I’m sorry you had a shit experience.

So they are sharing two homes. Can you imagine the arguments.

"When I left here on Sunday, there was an unopened tub of Haagen-Daaz in the freezer and now it's half empty."
"Can you please ensure you wipe down the sides properly after cooking as they were sticky when I arrived on Monday."
"You have used £60 worth of energy this week, you need to pay more than half of the bill from now on as you are clearly being wasteful with the heating."
"When I got in on Sunday night I found that the children had no clean uniform ready and was up until midnight washing, drying and ironing it all! Why did you not do any laundry this week?"
"I have put the tupperware containing leftovers into the bin. I do not see why I should be responsible for cleaning out your mouldy pasta or washing up your containers."
"I found a blonde hair on the bedroom floor. Have you had a woman sleeping in MY BED?"

Couples don't get divorced because they get on so well!

In contrast, a child moving between two houses should arrive to find their bedroom exactly as they left it, or tidied up a bit with the sheets changed, have food put on the table in front of them 3 times a day and clean clothes hanging in the wardrobe, be free to raid the snack cupboard at either house for whatever they fancy, and have no idea what bills are being paid when. Honestly, if I had two homes which were both being run by someone else and had two sets of stuff at each house, I wouldn't be bothered about switching between them every week, in fact, I think I'd enjoy the change.

You said “allow” and “encourage”. That’s along the same lines as “letting.”
I believe many men actually don’t want to look after their children after a split, and some who do are doing it for a different reason than wanting to spend time with their kids (e.g. paying less maintenance). Not all, of course, but still too many.

The vast majority of blended families exist because two first families failed. I guess having children at all doesn't work....

How is having a child 50% of the time cheaper than paying maintenance though? One of the frustrating things about maintenance payments are that they don't reflect the true cost of raising a child.

It sounds like yours didn't, but then neither did the first one so it's not saying much.

Lots do. My SD's life has been enhanced by her SF, her brother, me and her sister. It would have been a lot smaller and she would have had a lot less experiences and opportunities without her stepparents.

@MrsSunshine2b parents trying to do 50/50 or any type of arrangement have disagreements. It's about being a grown up and putting the children first.
All those problems can be solved with schedule and open communication. You need good communication to effectively co-parent in any type of set up. I'd take buying extra ice cream for the stability for my children any day.

How would that work if you have kids with more than one ex?

Because, sadly, there are some men who see paying maintenance as giving money to their ex to spend on herself. They don’t see it as for the children. They begrudge paying it at all.

There are forums dedicated to me trying to get out of paying it, slagging off having to give money to their ex. I knew of two men who went 50/50 so they didn’t have to give money to thier ex (and both didn’t last long once reality set in).

Again - I’m being general and only speaking about first hand experience.

I think it’s impractical and as a PP said, would probably cause more arguments than it’s worth. And it would cost more. There are some people who would try and weasel out of paying their fair share, and others who wouldn’t be able to afford it at all.

I'd be delighted if my stbexh was doing any % of actual parenting. But as it is, he's moving 350 miles away to move in with his new girlfriend and will be doing precisely 0%. So while he gets to move in with his life with plenty of child free time to nurture a new relationship, I'm left doing everything.

I agree too OP. I think it's too unsettling for children to be split between two homes. I would hate it if I had to do it! I think there are better ways to ensure children maintain good relationships with both parents.

I have my children 100%. I don't think this is right either.
However 50/50 would be pretty unworkable with both of my exes, one who dropped EOW when his daughter was 4yrs and one who rarely sees his son (sent me an email in November to inform me he wouldn't be seeing him over Christmas and not until January)
IMO 50/50 only works if you have willing parents who really do have there children's best interests at heart.
From memory of my daughters weekends, I remember my daughters fathers refusing to take her to birthday parties, refusing to do ballet drops offs, finding excuses to avoid swimming lessons etc. When he dropped his weekends I however made sure that she could do all of these. I would like to think a parent who had there child 50/50 would be willing to do all these things and pick up 50% of the slack. I guess though that hasn't been my experience.
I will say though that my children are very settled at home and that this is definitely there safe space. .

Separated parents in general isn’t ideal. But people just have to make the best of it.
50/50 is what some parents genuinely believe to be in their child’s best interests. It obviously wouldn’t be in the ops case because her ex is barely interested in 20%. Not all dads ( or mums) are like that. Plus some children will have had two parents pre - separation who were very actively involved on a daily basis, sharing the school runs, hobbies, reading at bed time, everything child related really. To go from that to eow with one parent would be difficult. There’s no right or wrong answer, it depends on the children and the kind of parents they have.

My children were forced to do 50/50 and it really was very disruptive for them, the constant moving back and forth around ex husbands working pattern. They felt "too busy". In reality his mother did most of the childcare but he was keen to avoid any money changing hands (other than from me to him, but that's another story).
They're adults now and can articulate very well how they felt and it wasn't in their best interests.

Sometimes they do though??

My children knew my partner before we were together, as my friend. I asked them how they would feel before we became a couple. They were overjoyed. We spoke openly about moving in together, gave them every agency. DP and I bought a new house, children love it. They love him. Their lives have improved exponentially since they have welcomed him open armed into their family and space. They love him every bit as much as I do. They also benefit greatly from seeing me happy and seeing a beautiful example of not just love, but a healthy and happy partnership where they are still absolutely the priority.

My ex husband's tiny brain could not have coped with any suggestion of an arrangement which didn't prioritise himself.

I agree with this somewhat. If there is a healthy enough co-parenting relationship to do 50/50 well, then the kids should stay in the home and the parents move in and out.

However, imo so many divorces come about due to appalling or abusive behaviour by one or both parents, and 50/50 clearly shouldn't be the norm in these cases.

Sharing a home is massively different to being civil to each other at school events and drop offs/pick ups. Even couples who love each other and are happy have occasional disagreements about houses. Money, housework and differing cleanliness standards account for a massive proportion of divorces- those issues are only going to get worse after divorce. I would feel a huge amount of anxiety as a child or an adult in this situation. Did I leave something behind that was private and now my ex partner is going to see it? Did I forget to clean up a mess I made in the kitchen and now Mum is going to blame Dad for it? Mum is telling us we need to make sure the shared areas are spotless whilst she cleans up their bedroom before Dad arrives otherwise he'll be grumpy for the whole week. Given the choice between that and going to a comfortable, well-equipped home with loving parents in each one, seems like a no-brainer.

Exactly. So basically sharing a place with your ex, no thanks. More endless rounds of discussion about shopping, cleaning, decorating, bills and god knows what else

I guess you'd forfeit your right to 50/50 due to no longer being able to provide childcare in the children's home.

I know a set up where the children and the dog stay put and the parents do 50/50.