To say 50/50 isn't ideal for many children?

[cadburyegg]

50/50 seems to be thought of as the best way to share children after a split but AIBU to think that this isn't always best for the children involved?

My children are with me approx 80% of the time and they love being "at home". They don't talk about their dads being another home, even though I do. I know they would hate having to move around every week and never having one base, they find it hard enough EOW.

So AIBU? Or if you have 50/50 are the kids happy with it?

If your kids spent more time with their dad, they would probably see his home as their home too. They're never going to see his house as home if they're rarely there.

My kids have 50/50 with their dad, it’s important they have a relations him royal to their relationship with me and that he parents the boring bits like homework and school runs. They aren’t my kids more than they are his. They enjoy spending time with both of us and see both homes as “their” home.

Yeah this is exactly it, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy really. If they’re only ever there 20% of the time then no, it will never feel like home because it’s not their home. If they were there half of the time or more, it would start to feel like their home.

I have Scandinavian friend who have done 50 50 it's far better set up there for the father to be involved and due to this the issue over 50n50.is far less than here.

I know adult children who grew up with 50 50 and they have close loving relationships with both parents and see their parents home as "theirs" so yes YABU.

Yes, I completely agree.

To be honest OP, divorce isn't ideal for many children but it still happens and many children adapt to their new lives pretty quickly.

*Note the use of 'many' here, before anyone posts to say their kids didn't etc.

Chicken and egg isn't it? Seems like they don't spend much time there so they don't see it as home. If they spent more time, they probably would.

I think that 50:50 is the best starting point and with a 2 or 3 day rotation. Obviously much easier if the parents continue to live in close proximity and are on good terms.

I agree OP in most cases it is really not great for the kids.

I do 50/50 pretty much and it works quite well. I would say Exdh lives just across the yard. The children all have a permanent bed in both houses. They are welcome to sleep wherever tbh. The 50/50 is primarily for meal times and who is doing after school stuff. So we know for work. It’s pretty common for children to wander back and forth if they are bored or would rather be at other house. It is shit for the grown ups in terms of moving on as would be awkward to try and date or have someone over. It works really well for the dc though. It takes s fair bit of texting to ensure they aren’t just disappearing to duck out of chores.

How would you feel about it if you were the parent only having 20% contact time and your DC spoke about your house as just being a place they stay occasionally rather than a home? Courts aim to allow children to sustain an equal relationship with both of their parents, which is the correct approach. Sometimes this won’t be strict 50/50, but where this can be facilitated it’s an appropriate goal.

Apart from anything else, how are we ever going to get out of the attitudinal bind which negatively impacts women that mother = default parent and women should be responsible for the majority of childcare and things to do with children if we never allow or encourage fathers to actually step up and be fathers?

It's a tricky one - I've read threads on here where someone will pop up and say 'we did 50/50 and I hated being shuttled around' but given how many people I know who were on the classic 'one evening a week and Alternating weekends' with their dad's growing up (including myself) which ultimately meant that the father was not doing any actual sunstantial parenting, the mum still having most of the emotional/practical labour, the child not really seeing their dad as 'home' in any way, and this impacting the relationship long term.... I think hating something in your childhood and it having serious long term impact on your or your relationships are two things that get a bit conflated on here sometimes to be honest. I know there are outliers, because we are all different, but there is a difference between 'i disliked this and have negative memories of this' and 'this has had a lasting impact on my psychology and relationships'... I don't know, it's a real tricky one. Because it's hard to think long term when you are dealing with the short term!

Personally not a fan of 50/50. I had divorced parents and I think it would have been tough. I feel a base is better. We split weekends and DS15 stays one night in the week. You do need to make sure child is with other parent enough to build a strong bond and feel at home. I’m not judging as 50-50 may well work well for some, just giving my personal view

I don’t see how it can work for the children, Iv read responses on here but I’d hate to have to live spread out over 2 homes.

I have my kids all but every other weekend and it’s a slog for me but I think it’s in their interests to have one home. Their dad gets all the fun and none of the hard work and that annoys me but it’s not about me.

Do you think that is enough to build a solid relationship. We only saw every Sunday and it definitely was not

This sounds really 👍🏿. It's fantastic that you guys were able ti find a middle ground and work together for the good of the children.

😂 Bold of you to assume that it's because I'm not "letting" my exh have 50/50 care. Getting him to do anything more than EOW is hard enough!

I struggle to get my head around how this is in the child's best interest. I think very few people would choose to split their time equally between two homes without having one primary residence. I think it's there is a deep desire within us to have a 'home' even if we are happy to spend a decent amount of time elsewhere.

I do get it from the parents' perspective though as unless you split custody 50:50 then someone will lose out. Personally though I would rather an adult is disadvantaged than a child

What would be best is parents having a crystal ball so they only have children in a relationship they knew would work out, with no abuse or similar. Unfortunately they don't exist.

Second best is the parents amicably doing their best to put their children's needs first, whatever that arrangement is.

I can’t see the word “letting” anywhere in my post. I asked whether you would feel differently about 50/50 working if you were a parent who presently only had a small amount of time with their children and wanted more.

I also wonder whether the kids would actually hate 50:50 or whether they are just, quite rightly, making the best of what they are given

Divorce is dreadful for children. I’m a child of divorced parents. I hated moving , 20-80, 10-90, 50-50 whatever, I just wanted to stay in my own bedroom. The parents should move

We do 50:50. We live a 5 min walk from each other and DDs have perm rooms in both houses and like PP are welcome to sleep / be wherever. They tend to stick to the 50:50 though. For us, it works well but then we had a reasonably amicable split and are generally fairly well aligned in parenting style.

We do 50/50, the kids like it as they get the best of us as parents- when they are with me they get my full attention, I rarely have to put them in holiday club or after school club as I arrange my working hours round them and always have enough annual leave as I only have to take half of the holidays off. When they go to their dad's they get the same. It can feel a bit "all our nothing" for me (I'm either with them 100% if the time or not at all) but it's good for the kids. Their dad also lives nearby and we co-parent amicably, which obviously helps.

It seems unfair that you get them 80% of the time just because you're the one who happens to still be in the place they view as the home.

I bet if the kids stayed in the 'home' (where you currently live) full time, and you and your husband swapped in and out, I bet they'd want to see their Dad 50% of the time.

I have a friend where the kids stay put and she and her ex husband take it in turns to live at the little flat vs living at the family home. It's working great and the kids are happy.

50/50 is shit and just parents being selfish.

Kids need a stable base. I did 50/50 from age 5 half the week split. My parents were very amicable, lived 10minutes walk from each other, so I had the same school/ childminder etc. But it was awful, as I got older I chose to spend longer and longer between switches didn't matter where.

All the development studies I've read have proven its shit for kids.

I think there needs to be more acknowledgement of this. None of the set ups for children of divorced parents are great.