To say 50/50 isn't ideal for many children?

[cadburyegg]

50/50 seems to be thought of as the best way to share children after a split but AIBU to think that this isn't always best for the children involved?

My children are with me approx 80% of the time and they love being "at home". They don't talk about their dads being another home, even though I do. I know they would hate having to move around every week and never having one base, they find it hard enough EOW.

So AIBU? Or if you have 50/50 are the kids happy with it?

I mean I don’t think any of the options for children with divorced parents are wonderful (and neither is children living with married but unhappy parents either).

I know someone who uses the “bird nesting” approach - the children stay in the family home all the time, and the parents are the ones who move each week. I think that’s probably the best solution for the children, however you have to have a very amicable split and the family I know that do it bought a flat each, so each parent has a flat to live in in their “off” week, and stay in the family home in their “on” week

The true measure of whether 50/50 works in the child’s best interests, and if they loved the set up, is to ask your DC in 20 years time how they felt. Just because everything seems to be ticking along, for the most part, quite nicely at the moment doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what the child wants and needs. The child may not feel able to communicate how they are feeling for fear of upsetting the parent that they may wish to spend less time at’s home.

My parents separated when I was 6 and I was shunted back and forth 50/50 until I was about 13 when I said enough is enough. I hated spending my childhood living out of a suitcase, only seeing certain friends outside of school depending on which house I was at, never having all my toys and books etc around me all the time etc.

There is no right or wrong answer to how to split children in the event of parents separating, but I do think parents should review how things are working regularly and actually talk to their children about how they feel about the situation.

I’d say it depends on the child. One of mine, happy go lucky, would have been ok/embraced it. The other one (ND) would not cope very well at all. As it happens their father disappeared into the ether, popping up now and then to suit himself, so it was never a consideration.

You simply cannot generalise about kids, what they can manage and family dynamics, or even assume that parents are decent human beings who put their kids first.

Ultimately it should be the welfare of the children which should come first and what they want rather than parents. I think sometimes the hatred of the parents for each other comes above the welfare of their children. With my divorced friends it seems that it is mainly the mothers who seem to step up for the children. Hopefully this will change in time as roles change. Divorces where the parents remain friends seem to work the best where the 'family' is still a unit - it is a tough thing to do though.

I think any outcome is probably less-than-optimum for the child’s welfare tbh.

My parents were divorced and I loathed moving around all the time. I spent my childhood living out of a suitcase.

It made me always feel very guilty for having my own life, as if I had a friend’s party or whatever but it was the other parents weekend I probably couldn’t go etc.

I've never heard any fans of 50/50 in real life tbh.

It seems the parents (dads) want it to avoid maintenance but the kids hate it, including all the adults I know who were forced to endure it. That's the wrong way round, the kids should be the priority not what the parents find best for them.

Lots of abusive ex partners demand it as a tool to control.

Maybe I would, but that scenario is so unlikely to happen it's very hard to imagine.

I don't think 50/50 would be good for anyone, as an adult I wouldn't want to live anywhere only half the time. However NRPs should be equally involved, pick up from school, do dinner, drop to clubs, sports day, school plays, parents evening, weekly sports activities/matches. I think a NRP can be very included even with fewer over nights.

My parents separated for a while when I was young. We saw my dad every weekend, Fri sat nights one week, sat night the next , every Sunday we had sports, either my parents would divide and conquer if matches clashed or we'd all go to one then the other, we always had Sunday dinner together. My dad also picked us up from school together one night a week, cooked us dinner (my mum's hobby night) but we'd go to bed at home, he would also pick me up from school and take me to brownies one night a week and a different night pick my brother up and take him to football practice. In those years he never missed any of our concerts, parents evenings sports tournaments etc. I spent most nights sleeping at home, but I saw a lot of my dad.

The tragedy for the children of course, is that post-divorce they never escape with this, they have to live with it until they leave home (and often far longer).

Two houses, two sets of rules, two sets of problems, new partners, new lives - while the kids are stuck in limbo moving back and forth.

I have a 4 nights/3 nights split with exH. DC have a full bedroom at both houses which are walking distance from each other and their secondary school. They have enough clothes for both houses & the only things that need shuttling around is kit for clubs which the adults sort. My DC seem happy unless there is a night switch. I think they would be sad to see their Dad less (definitely the youngest).

edited to add that we all communicate well via an app and a shared calendar app & try to have similar rules across both houses. No other DC but we both have partners which our DC love/like.

also that particularly during Covid they liked having two houses.

I agree with this. More contact with dad doesn't have to mean more overnights. Most people are horrified when I tell them my exh still has a key to my house but it's to allow him to pick up the kids and bring them back to mine whilst I'm at work, which is definitely their preference, so I put my feelings about it aside

100% agree. Children need one permanent home and to see the other parent as much as possible but not be forced to live between two homes.

They are living in a state of constant upheaval otherwise and they find it stressful!

I think, like with most things there isn't a one size fits all solution. In our case DSCs go between houses as they wish and they are normally here 2-3 nights a week but sometimes more, sometimes less.

This works for us because
None of the adults or children involved are bothered about having a set routine
We made the decision to live within walking distance from each other and from their school
We all get on pretty well
Dp and his ex co parent well and have always been flexible with each other

If any of these factors weren't in place then we'd have to do things differently.

We've never had keys to each others houses but we'll some go out for dinner or for a walk with SCs then they go back to their mums.

100% - My EXH argued ruthlessly that anything other than EOW would be horribly unfair on him. He didn’t actually work at all, but he ‘deserved equal child free weekends’ apparently. He had moved too far (into his parents house) after the split to have the children during the week.

It took me having a major breakdown and a huge fight for him to agree to have the children every weekend during lockdown, when there were 3 non working adults at home 24/7. It was made clear by everyone that this would end the second lockdown was lifted. And it did.

A lot of us are VERY lucky to even get 80/20. I currently have 100% and he doesn’t even call them on Christmas/birthdays.

Children who are old enough to have an opinion about their living arrangements already have this taken into account in residency decisions. Where children aren’t old enough to have an opinion, do you really think decisions should be taken based on one parent’s assertion that they think the arrangement they want is what’s best for their children?

IME most men don’t want 50/50 unless their new partner is available for childcare. This is primarily because they don’t want to change their work or working hours to fit in with their children’s lives unlike the mother of the children who often changed to part-time working or a slower job progression path after having kids so works well for both parents.

Some men did 50% of parenting before the split so them doing 50% of parenting after the split too makes sense for everyone , especially the kids.

I think that 50:50 is the best starting point and with a 2 or 3 day rotation. Obviously much easier if the parents continue to live in close proximity and are on good terms.

I am wincing at the 2 or 3 day rotation, thats no way for a child to live?

Ex h and I split when ds was little. Ds lived with me. Ex h saw him when he wanted to. He worked abroad a lot and lived a little while away, so it was mainly whenever he was working in our city he’d come and visit ds or take him out, or have him at his EOW when he was working in this country, he’d take time off in the school holidays. We didn’t have any specific arrangements and I was always chill about last minute arrangements as long as ds was happy.

But ds “home” was always in my house. He’d pack a bag to to to ex husbands. As he got older and ex h married someone with children, his visits there went to maybe once a month - ex h reasons, not my circus, not my monkeys and ds was 13 then and has his own weekend interests and friends anyway.

Ex h wife had 50/50, one week with her, one week with her ex for her chiildren who were all veery close in. Age to ds. Ds used to tell me how much he would have hated that.

He’s an adult now and still when he hears of people talking 50/50, he’s very critical of it as he saw the effect it had on step brothers who hated being shunted from one house to the other. He said he felt more secure
having one home.

I feel like 50/50 is more about treating the child like a possession, not as a person. It’s not about the parents, it’s about what’s best for the children, and personally, I think that’s from having one secure home. (I said personally, before you come at me).

I do get it from the parents' perspective though as unless you split custody 50:50 then someone will lose out. Personally though I would rather an adult is disadvantaged than a child

It would be much easier for me if my kids were with me more or less full time, it’s not my kids who are disadvantaged by 50/50. They want and need an equal relationship with their dad, they enjoy having our full attention wherever they are.

I agree. But there seems to be a lot of pressure (definitely on MN, and maybe in society in general) that the child has 2 homes, even if the child is quite happy to live with Mum and visit Dad. Not sure why forced parity ever became a thing?

My parents were divorced, I wouldn't have liked 50/50 at all. I never slept at my dad's house and never wanted to. I wanted to come home from school and have complete autonomy over what I was going to do and also to go out with friends as and when I wanted, which was something people did then.
I was close to my mum and loved to sit and chat with her. I liked to chat to my dad too but definitely not about the same things and I wasn't as open with him. Maybe it's different depending on the child?

@Lovelysummerdays

Sounds a perfect arrangement.

So often I think that if you take money and territory marking out of child arrangements plus the parents actually getting along, kids lives would be so much better. The whole you get more cms for more nights means that what is best for the kids is confused over getting more or paying less money

I don’t think my kids would want to feel like a visitor in their dad’s home. They have permanent bedroom, clothes, toys and games at their dad’s house. Pretty much everything they have at mine they have at his too - no upheaval or moving stuff from one house to another, and no feeling like they don’t belong there.

My DSS asked for a 2/3 day rotation. He was offered more but it was too long without seeing each parent. He asked to spend half the time with his dad. In our case 50/50 is what the child requested. He has 2 homes, not one home and one ‘house’ to visit.