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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to let you all know why I ghosted my friend?

174 replies

NoteworthyFactory · 06/01/2025 11:24

This was 5 years ago. We were both in our late 40s.

I really liked her. We used to live in the same area and became friends through a mutual acquaintance. Around a year after our friendship developed, I moved out of area. We then started making an effort to meet somewhere half way three or four times a year. It was then when I noticed that she could be very negative about life in general and I felt like an emotional dumpster whenever I was with her. She would often tell me about outings with other friends and I wondered if she'd be moaning at them so much also, but somehow I got the feeling that she reserved that role for me.

I took up running. She mocked it by saying it was a cliche how middle aged women who had never exercised would suddenly feel the urge to do so and start running and damage their bones. To this day I still run 2/3 times a week.

I started training to become a counsellor. She mocked it and actually said how everyone and their mother was hitting middle age and boredom and would train to become a counsellor. I have been successfully practising as a counsellor for 4 years now.

She turned 50 and we had no immediate plans to meet, so I posted a beautiful scarf to her home address. I know she loved it because I've seen a lot of photos in sm with her wearing it.

A year later I turned 50 just before lockdown. We met for coffee. She had no gift for me. Not even a card. She did some of her usual moaning. She then told me about an amazing gift she had bought for her friend's 50th birthday. She then let me pay for the coffees.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 06/01/2025 11:27

Surely the only person who really needs to know this is your former friend? And if you haven’t heard from her in five years, you can probably assume she also agreed that the friendship had run its course. You’re letting this drama take up space in your head unnecessarily.

KrisAkabusi · 06/01/2025 11:49

Why have you posted this? None of us know you or what's going on in your life. Why are you posting about something that happened five years ago, without even a question?

MiddleagedBeachbum · 06/01/2025 11:52

What is it you want from this thread, or why have you posted?
Does it still bother you, are you still triggered? Do people ask why you're not in contact and you want help justifying this?

Newyeargymwanker · 06/01/2025 11:55

You were right OP, letting it slide seems the best course for a relationship you’re not enjoying.

EveryKneeShallBow · 06/01/2025 11:57

I’m not sure why you think we need to know this.

Greenlittecat · 06/01/2025 11:58

🥱 it's been 5 years you should get over it.

Adamante · 06/01/2025 11:58

I think it was worthwhile to post this. So many people are "ghosted" then claim they've no clue why and how hurt they are. It's interesting to read an account of why.

I was ghosted by my very best friend over two decades ago. I knew she was pulling away but only when I heard she'd got married and all our friends had been there did I realise I was out. I was devastated. For years I claimed not to understand why she would do such a thing. Age, & I hope, wisdom tells me exactly why. I was a total exhausting Drama Llama. I didn't know at the time, I was never short of friends and even now have friends from my teen years so it can't have been that bad for eveyone. For her it was too much and twenty years on I respect her decision and I hope she's happy. That's the only sadness I feel, not knowing if her life turned out well, her marriage happy etc but I totally understand why she distanced herself from me.

midlifeattheoasis · 06/01/2025 11:58

I also have no idea why you posted OP?

SharpOpalNewt · 06/01/2025 11:59

EveryKneeShallBow · 06/01/2025 11:57

I’m not sure why you think we need to know this.

Why does anyone need to know about 90% of stuff that's on here?

I think it's a good thread as it acts as a warning to people who behave like the OP's ex friend or an explanation as to why such people have been ghosted.

Drivingoverlemons · 06/01/2025 12:00

I think you were right to not bother with this friend anymore. She sounds very negative and like she used you to make herself feel superior.

Lanawashington · 06/01/2025 12:00

Maybe your friend should have gifted you a diary to write this in

GoldThumb · 06/01/2025 12:01

I assume it’s been posted as there seem to be quite a few ‘Ghosted by friend and don’t know why?’ threads.

Interesting to see a story for the perspective of the ‘ghoster’.

winter8090 · 06/01/2025 12:01

I think your looking for validation that your actions in ghosting her were reasonable.

They were. It sounds like the friendship had run its course and you were giving far more than you were receiving.

I doubt there is anyone on this thread that hasn't drifted from a friend over the years. It's a natural part of life as we move through our different chapters.

username299 · 06/01/2025 12:01

I'm not sure what you want to hear. Well done for dumping someone who obviously didn't care about you.

CuddlyDodoToy · 06/01/2025 12:05

I can imagine how hurtful her behaviour must have been. Might she have felt let-down that you moved away? Or that you couldn't be a close friend at that distance?

A few years ago I stopped contacting a friend I had known since childhood (we met and became best friends at primary school). We are in our fifties now.

I moved (200 miles) away from our home town seven years ago to a place she and I both love and have spent many holidays together.

I hoped we could remain friends and that she would enjoy spending time with me in our favourite place.

Her withdrawal from our friendship started before I had even moved. We still met weekly until I moved, but she seemed irritated and angry with me.

Since I moved I have invited her to come and stay with me on many occasions, but she always had an excuse not to. She didn't even come to my wedding or my 50th birthday celebration. I have asked her to meet me when I have been visiting family in our home town, but she has always been too busy.

The last time I spoke to her was in 2022 when, once again, I invited her to come and stay. She told me that she had decided to get a dog (she has never had one before) and she would never go anywhere without it. She knows I could never have a dog in my home, so it was her way of telling me she would never come.

I haven't contacted her since. I haven't blocked her and she hasn't blocked me. We are still friends on Facebook, but we never interact on it.

Although she never said anything negative about me moving away, I realise now that it caused our friendship to end. I suspect that if I hadn't persisted with her after I moved, our friendship would have ended even earlier.

I feel sad, but friendships change with circumstances and we have to move on.

MzHz · 06/01/2025 12:07

when people show you who they are or how little you mean to them - LISTEN.

YANBU @NoteworthyFactory , and i hope you feel better for sharing that, she really did give you a slap in the face re the 50th. Sounds like you didn't even get a thank you for her scarf either.

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 06/01/2025 12:09

Out of interest did she keep trying to contact you? Or did she stop trying fairly quickly?

CuddlyDodoToy · 06/01/2025 12:11

Why are people being so negative about OP's post? Why does she have to justify posting?

There are plenty of posts on Mumsnet I'm not interested in, so I don't bother reading them or replying to them. Try that if you don't like it.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 06/01/2025 12:11

And she's made no contact since, op?

Do you think she will be perplexed as to why you've ghosted her?

PrincessPeache · 06/01/2025 12:12

Miserable bunch on here this morning 🙄 OP has posted on an anonymous forum to get it off her chest and to share her insights into why people ghost. Surely that’s obvious?

OP she sounds draining and you made the right choice. I hope your life is more peaceful without her in it.

Adamante · 06/01/2025 12:13

CuddlyDodoToy · 06/01/2025 12:11

Why are people being so negative about OP's post? Why does she have to justify posting?

There are plenty of posts on Mumsnet I'm not interested in, so I don't bother reading them or replying to them. Try that if you don't like it.

Because the first one set the tone then everyone tried to compete. It's the MN way Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/01/2025 12:15

EveryKneeShallBow · 06/01/2025 11:57

I’m not sure why you think we need to know this.

Who do you think you are to dismiss any thread posted by anyone? The amount of ridiculous threads here, are you bothering to go and police those too? Run along then and do it.

Pathetic, and we definitely didn't need your pointless contribution.

SwanRivers · 06/01/2025 12:15

It's clearly still bothering you OP.

I hope you eventually make peace with it.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/01/2025 12:16

It's not unreasonable to post about this OP, but your post would be easier to engage with if you said why you thought of doing it today, because five years is a long time. You sound thoroughly fed up and disappointed by your friend so it's no surprise that you ghosted her. Was it even ghosting, or did you just stop getting in touch and she didn't get in touch either?

KittytheHare · 06/01/2025 12:17

I find this ghosting business to be so melodramatic. In my world I would simply say that I’d lost touch with someone.
Op did your friend make several attempts to contact you that you ignored? If not, then she could equally say that she’d ghosted you.

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