to let you all know why I ghosted my friend?

[NoteworthyFactory]

This was 5 years ago. We were both in our late 40s.

I really liked her. We used to live in the same area and became friends through a mutual acquaintance. Around a year after our friendship developed, I moved out of area. We then started making an effort to meet somewhere half way three or four times a year. It was then when I noticed that she could be very negative about life in general and I felt like an emotional dumpster whenever I was with her. She would often tell me about outings with other friends and I wondered if she'd be moaning at them so much also, but somehow I got the feeling that she reserved that role for me.

I took up running. She mocked it by saying it was a cliche how middle aged women who had never exercised would suddenly feel the urge to do so and start running and damage their bones. To this day I still run 2/3 times a week.

I started training to become a counsellor. She mocked it and actually said how everyone and their mother was hitting middle age and boredom and would train to become a counsellor. I have been successfully practising as a counsellor for 4 years now.

She turned 50 and we had no immediate plans to meet, so I posted a beautiful scarf to her home address. I know she loved it because I've seen a lot of photos in sm with her wearing it.

A year later I turned 50 just before lockdown. We met for coffee. She had no gift for me. Not even a card. She did some of her usual moaning. She then told me about an amazing gift she had bought for her friend's 50th birthday. She then let me pay for the coffees.

The op had ghosted the ex friend

I think you're elaborating on the exact definition of empathy and being empathetic and missing my point. @Gabitule

I've had counselling several times. I have friends who are counsellors.

What I meant was that a counsellor is not supposed to 'side' with clients ( agree with them) or relate in a personal way to their issues by comparing them with their own life experiences. They can say 'Yes, I understand' but not go down the route of 'Yes, that happened to me too.'

The empathy shown by a counsellor in a session is very different to that of a conversation with a close friend you may confide in. A counsellor is not your friend.

And yes, they do sit and nod and ask questions.

If you've experienced otherwise as a client that begs some questions about how personally involved your counsellor was.

Was her name Helen? Sounds like a Helen I used to be friendly with. She was selfish, hated anyone else having happy times, success, etc and bigged herself up over trivia, but where she would put down other people. She actually has zero friends but the loveliest husband, and how he puts up with her … if she had a tiny bit of knowledge about something new to her, she was suddenly an expert, forcing her opinions on people. My mum would say when she’d met her “my, she’s not short of confidence” and it was all without foundation. I feel better getting that off my chest!

Absolutely agree, can't understand why some comments are unnecessary and unkind!

I'm glad you posted! You are just getting something off your chest. Some people on here are horrible!

Now that you're a counsellor, do you think you did the right thing?

Is ghosting a cowardly move?

Should you have let her down gently?

I once ghosted someone
I knew there would be a confrontation and i knew i would have to explain myself and didnt have the nerve to be honest. I knew she would be incredibly defensive

Does it concern you that you are posting about this five years later?

Why on earth should it?

As a trained counsellor why are you not more aware!

She deserved to be ghosted and I found this post interesting. Better still if you could have pointed out why but can't blame you for that!

Perfectly fine to discuss this, there are plenty worse on here some of which have people fawning over.
I think I'd be upset by that friend.

If you can't see it...

Another nice happy soul on Mumsnet!!!

I really don’t understand why some posters can be so unpleasant. If you’re not interested, scroll past. Problem solved.

Well why are you posting on this thread like a participant in some sort of pointless tag team with the other witless wonders? It really is pathetic.

I don't care what the answer is so don't bother replying on my account.

That’s very insightful of you.
I also think this thread is worthwhile, it’s a fairly regular topic with people wondering why they’ve been dropped/ghosted by friends.

It might, as this poster has done, offer an opportunity for some self reflection.

And you couldn't tell her all this because..?
To be honest, if you can't have an adult conversation, it's probably best for both of you that you're not friends anymore.

Thank you for this op. I’ve recently ghosted someone after numerous explaining to them how their behaviour affected me. I know I’ve done the right thing.

Woah the mumsnet post validity Police are out in force today!

So the OP could have worded her post slightly differently to make it an aibu, who cares?

OP- I assume your ex friend knew it was your birthday?
Also, did you actually actively ghost her or did it just fizzle out of its own accord?

Regardless, you were right to let this one run its course. She sounds like the type of person who is utterly selfish, self centered, drains the joy out of everything and can’t bear to see anyone else happy or having success in their lives. She is in the bin where she belongs

There’s a difference between choosing to stop investing in a non-reciprocal friendship and just ghosting someone.
Ghosting is incredibly cruel, and as a trained counsellor you must surely recognise this.
The grown-up thing to do would have been to explain to your friend how you were feeling and tell her you needed a break from her for the foreseeable.
Yes, she would have come back to/at you, but then you could just re-iterate your need for distance and close the thing down.
Ghosting? Not a good look, not a good person, nothing to be proud of.

But people like the OP’s friend just cannot hear any constructive feedback. This is why they frequently get ghosted: they make it very clear there can be no room for other people’s feelings or viewpoints.

There is no point taking to them about your feelings as you will always be wrong or a bad person or persecutory or just being oversensitive - they will cry or shout or argue or laugh at you or slag you off to mutual friends. And then you’re ‘incredibly cruel’ for ghosting them.

You can’t have a grown up conversation with people like this, who always have to be right, always the centre of everything, always better than everyone else and/or always the victim.

You’ve just got to get yourself out of the dynamic. There is no good or easy way.

Exactly these reasons why I am close to ghosting a friend, I've tried so hard but they either can't see or are ignoring what I say and I just am running out of ways to explain they are upsetting me

I’m not suggesting she should have ‘got into it’ with her friend. Just saying it is cruel to ghost (and quite cowardly too).
Say you’re leaving the dynamic, then leave.

Can you explain why you feel this way? What is ‘cowardly’ about not formally ending the relationship, if there is genuinely nothing to be scared of in the person’s response?

People ghost when they know the other party is unreasonable, un-self-aware, and probably vindictive, and that a ‘breakup’ is likely to get ugly. They’ve had enough ugly behaviour already from this person, and they just want out.

What does the OP morally owe someone who gets a kick out of belittling her career and her hobbies?

The type of people who get ghosted a lot are the type who will insist on having the last word, and who won’t accept others’ boundaries. Which is why people just quietly slip away if they can.

I have a friend very much like this. We lived very close to one another and also worked on the same team at work, doing 40 hours per week. It was quite draining. She got pulled up on it during one of her appraisals being told that she can come across as quite 'negative' and that this can sometimes bring the team down... Roll on the next year of breaks where she brought it up for the full 45 minutes each time!!! I finally told her one day that she would need to let it go or else I'd have to agree with the appraiser.

I moved away 5 years ago now and we are 1000+ mile apart. We meet up yearly but keep in contact more so via SM. She is still exactly the same, there is never any positive news to share, always a drama to listen to and anything positive I have to say will always have a negative spin out on it!

The past year I have really pulled back from the friendship because it was just so so tiring. Some people are just negative by nature, unfortunately.

Your 'friend' sounds a little jealous to me and also a little wrapped up in her own world to really notice anything else.