to let you all know why I ghosted my friend?

[NoteworthyFactory]

This was 5 years ago. We were both in our late 40s.

I really liked her. We used to live in the same area and became friends through a mutual acquaintance. Around a year after our friendship developed, I moved out of area. We then started making an effort to meet somewhere half way three or four times a year. It was then when I noticed that she could be very negative about life in general and I felt like an emotional dumpster whenever I was with her. She would often tell me about outings with other friends and I wondered if she'd be moaning at them so much also, but somehow I got the feeling that she reserved that role for me.

I took up running. She mocked it by saying it was a cliche how middle aged women who had never exercised would suddenly feel the urge to do so and start running and damage their bones. To this day I still run 2/3 times a week.

I started training to become a counsellor. She mocked it and actually said how everyone and their mother was hitting middle age and boredom and would train to become a counsellor. I have been successfully practising as a counsellor for 4 years now.

She turned 50 and we had no immediate plans to meet, so I posted a beautiful scarf to her home address. I know she loved it because I've seen a lot of photos in sm with her wearing it.

A year later I turned 50 just before lockdown. We met for coffee. She had no gift for me. Not even a card. She did some of her usual moaning. She then told me about an amazing gift she had bought for her friend's 50th birthday. She then let me pay for the coffees.

From what you have said in your post, I am certain your 'friend' is jealous of you.........she does not have a single nice comment to make about the positive changes you have made in your life such as counselling and running.

Its up to you what you choose to do, maybe suggest she gets some counselling herself.

Too much time with negative people like her is draining because no matter what you say, she will put a downer on it and you'll never win

She might be depressed. She has to sort her own head out and stop being difficult or she will isolate herself as good friendships are based on a balance of give and take.

I ghosted a former friend of mine because it became abundantly clear that she didn't give a flying fuck about me.

op, I think you were wrong to ghost her without telling her why you ended the friendship. Perhaps this is why you still think about this even though it happened 5 years ago, it’s because there was no proper closure.

I guess you didn’t want to get into a back and forth of accusations and blame, but you could have sent a message in response to her ‘?’ to say ‘sorry I haven’t responded to your last message. I’ve been thinking lots about our friendship and I feel that we’re not equally invested in it/ have different expectations/ (or similar argument) and perhaps it’s best we take a break from communicating’’. You don’t know the impact ghosting had on her, she may have been sitting there feeling hurt and completely oblivious of what she’d done wrong. Sorry but I think ghosting is immature, she may not be a nice person but why go down to her level.
I thought counsellors are meant to be very empathetic :(

I think it’s weird that you think it took OP 30 minutes to write her post. Probably more like 5. Her post is more interesting than yours at any rate.

No one's saying you're not. But to still be dwelling on it FIVE YEARS on...really?

OP glad you took the time to post and that you feel so much better for it. I would have let that friend go too. Don't waste another second of your life giving her headspace.

I think now I wouldn't continue investing in a relationship if I felt there was no reciprocity.

I am honestly not dwelling on this, but I ponder sometimes how differently I approach relationships nowadays in that I try to achieve balance, give and take, whilst before, not so much. So I'm reflecting I guess.

Ok. Thanks?

I really resonate with being used as an emotional dumpster. I had a friend like this and only realised when I saw them interact with another friend of theirs in a social setting and honestly couldn’t believe how much more animated and positive she was with them. It was like watching a different person and I realised then that they were getting a totally different version of her than I was. We drifted apart naturally when her circumstances changed but I’d have extricated myself from the friendship if that hadn’t happened.

Counsellors aren't supposed to be empathetic.

The definition of that is feeling the same as the other person.

Counsellors are supposed to be quite distanced and not emotionally involved or on a par with clients' distress.

I think this is why.

YWNU to dump her. She sounds like a vampire with the sole purpose of sucking the joy out of everything you've achieved.

@NoteworthyFactory I've semi ghosted someone who did something very hurtful. I assumed my very brief responses would make her reassess what she'd done and ask if I was upset. But no- she carried on messaging as if the incident had never occurred. All this has done is make me wonder how much self awareness she's got.

Yes, definitely. For me the moment that stuck was listening to her going on about the amazing present she had got for her friend's 50th whilst having a coffee with me, shortly after my own 50th, and having got her a special gift less than a year prior for her own 50th. The contrast in effort was hurtful and it was a turning point I guess.

Why didn’t you say ‘oi, where was my 50th birthday present?’

Indeed!

Why are people being so rude

This resonates with me. The friend that I am not too sure about at the moment is kind of like this. Except she makes a big show of going over and above for others when they’re experiencing issues in their life (although one of those friends does get a verbal battering for it)
But if I ever have issues she either:

1. ignores/changes the subject/doesn’t ask about it or
2. Makes a show of being supportive to my face but then slags me off to others behind my back because she has had to ‘put up with me’ complaining - even though I have had to listen to her complain many many times in the past

It’s a massive part of counselling, to have and show empathy.

@NoteworthyFactory my turning point was when my friend asked me to go to an event, then asked me.tompay for her ticket. She then in meantime found another friend to pay for the ticket and agreed to repay her the money two weeks earlier then she had offered to pay me back. So effectively she had the money to repay me but was going to hang on to it a bit longer. This friend has never worked (through choice) and I do but after feeling incredibly used anyway as the person who always does the running around to then start asking me to bankroll her something snapped in my head

Fuck me, MBN is full of dickheads today.

OP, I get why your are posting, and even get why you might be thinking about her now. It’s the time year when we reflect on friendships, the way our lives are going etc.

I think you made the right choice in ghosting her and in posting about it on MN.

Wow, I hope you’re not a counsellor.

Empathy is vital to being a counsellor. Why else would someone become one? ‘Wanting to help’ is empathy. If they do it because they think it’s easy money to sit there, pretend they’re listening, nod and every so often ask questions such as ‘and how did they make you feel’ then I’m certain that they won’t be very good counsellors

OP ignore all the twatty mean girl comments on here! Some people obviously don’t understand that they don’t have to read or comment on every thread if it doesn’t interest them…

There’s FAR too many ‘ main characters’ on MN lol.

Feel free to post whatever you want , as much as you want @NoteworthyFactory 🩷