to let you all know why I ghosted my friend?

[NoteworthyFactory]

This was 5 years ago. We were both in our late 40s.

I really liked her. We used to live in the same area and became friends through a mutual acquaintance. Around a year after our friendship developed, I moved out of area. We then started making an effort to meet somewhere half way three or four times a year. It was then when I noticed that she could be very negative about life in general and I felt like an emotional dumpster whenever I was with her. She would often tell me about outings with other friends and I wondered if she'd be moaning at them so much also, but somehow I got the feeling that she reserved that role for me.

I took up running. She mocked it by saying it was a cliche how middle aged women who had never exercised would suddenly feel the urge to do so and start running and damage their bones. To this day I still run 2/3 times a week.

I started training to become a counsellor. She mocked it and actually said how everyone and their mother was hitting middle age and boredom and would train to become a counsellor. I have been successfully practising as a counsellor for 4 years now.

She turned 50 and we had no immediate plans to meet, so I posted a beautiful scarf to her home address. I know she loved it because I've seen a lot of photos in sm with her wearing it.

A year later I turned 50 just before lockdown. We met for coffee. She had no gift for me. Not even a card. She did some of her usual moaning. She then told me about an amazing gift she had bought for her friend's 50th birthday. She then let me pay for the coffees.

OP, I also ghosted what I thought was a good friend. She wasn't but it took me years and years to recognise it. I haven't seen her now in over 20 years and I don't regret it.

Whatever it was that made you post, I get it. Sometimes you just get a reminder of what was and hopefully you are content and happy with your decision too.

I think so too

Interesting to see the other side of the story.

Probably because there are many threads on here lately where the OP has been ghosted by a friend but seemingly has no idea why. It's good to get another perspective.

Is it ghosting when she's still living in your head rent-free 5 years later?

As a counsellor yourself, OP surely you should have put this to bed by now?

I agree that sometimes it isn’t “ghosting”, it’s just drifting apart or moving on, or just realising that someone is an awful drain and makes you miserable.

I have lost touch (deliberately!) with a few people over the years, mainly people who tell you all their problems, every detail of their life and times, but if you say, “Oh, I went to the moon last week/my father died/I’m going to prison” they get a faraway look in their eye, mumble “Great!” and are off on a monologue again.

A few people have dumped me too. One I know thought me a bit poor, and one abandoned me when I had dcs (though sprang back when she did later on…).

I almost wonder if this is the friend that there’s another really, really long thread about.

Or at least an example as contrast to that one - that shows that it’s not necessarily the other person who’s cruel sand harsh as so many of the responses like to make out.

So you had a friend, realised you didn’t really like her much anymore so stopped contact. That’s it really. It’s not that deep.

Why are people jumping on the OP for posting this? There are several reasons she may have done so. Perhaps to vent, maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it in real life. Maybe sharing her experience may help some people that either considering doing the same, or have been on the receiving end.

For me, I felt like this is a very timely post as I have a friend very similar to OP’s ex friend and have been going back and forth about whether or not to continue with the friendship. She is really draining me at the moment, when I am in a good place it’s fine but I’m not right now and so need to keep my distance for a little while.

She sounds like a knob. Good for you, also with the running (which will benefit your bone density).

Exactly!

I think we often set the bar too low for who we call a friend.

@Adamante , I’m sad for you, but it’s so nice to see that there are people out there who are able to acknowledge what they might have done wrong. I find the lack lack of self-awareness in some people deeply frustrating and the cause of so many break-ups (both in friendship and romance). Why don’t you send her a message and tell her that you’ve been thinking about her lately and wondered how she is? You don’t need to bring up the past or justify anything. Even if she responds, you won’t be able to get your old friendship back, but perhaps you’ll keep in touch occasionally and that will feel good.

I ‘abandoned’ my own best friend 2 decades ago because she was extremely selfish and I couldn’t bear it anymore. I know she was deeply hurt, but she was unable to see what she was doing wrong so we had no chance to fix things. A couple of years later I reached out as I missed her. We rekindled our friendship. She is stil selfish and blind to it and I often struggle with our relationship, but I ask myself every time I struggle ‘is my life better with her in it’? The answer is always yes so I bite my tongue and carry on with the relationship. I promised myself I’d never abandon her again and hurt her like I did 20 years ago, but sometimes that’s sooooo hard as she can often make me feel used and manipulated. But anyway, people are not perfect. Overall I am glad she is in my life

she wanted a chat, chew the fat, get some 'positive' feedback, offload, maybe have a grown up conversation about it.

Why did you post?

Gosh it's quite scary how people just copy the previous posts and gang up on a poster. That's how wars start.

I guess nobody can tell me but am I understanding this right - that OP’s ex friend has posted about being ghosted??

Well, there are witless posters who lack imagination. Sadly, they still have fingers.

Sometimes life is better without certain people in it. Good for you op.

No, just lots and lots of MNetters.

It's a popular topic but normally the threads are from the Ghostees rather than the Ghosters if that makes sense?

My impression from this post is that you ghosted her but she hasn’t actually noticed so you haven’t had an opportunity to tell her she’s an asshole so you’ve told us instead.
Just let it go.

If you are a qualified counsellor, you could bring this up in your compulsory sessions with your mentor.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

You shouldn’t have giver her a gift. But at least it cemented that she is a user,

So this was 5 years ago? Has she tried to contact you since?

There is a common cross purposes thing going on with some long-term friends. Some think that being negative is something you can share with a close friend, you can remove the filter and get to the 'the truth' in a way you can't do with a casual acquaintance.
Unfortunately, the other person starts to feel drained and taken advantage of.

I have a young work colleague, only 17 or so, who is quite upbeat but she does moan about the job a bit and it's all very well but, being older, I can do without it because quite simply I have had enough negativity in my life to indulge any more, and that includes from myself. I mean, if someone asks me how I am, and I'm feeling rough, I don't actually say that because it reinforces it. I say I'm feeling good, and then actually I do feel good.

Of course, you also get people who externalise - they put their inner rubbish on to you.

Maybe in posting this on Mumsnet I am using this forum as a dumpster though! You do get the people some come on here to have a go!

I've ended a number of friendships. In all but one case, I told them outright why it was over. In the most recent case however I did a slow fade, because she was clearly the kind of vulnerable narc who would create a huge drama in a wider professional group if I told her the reasons.