to let you all know why I ghosted my friend?

[NoteworthyFactory]

This was 5 years ago. We were both in our late 40s.

I really liked her. We used to live in the same area and became friends through a mutual acquaintance. Around a year after our friendship developed, I moved out of area. We then started making an effort to meet somewhere half way three or four times a year. It was then when I noticed that she could be very negative about life in general and I felt like an emotional dumpster whenever I was with her. She would often tell me about outings with other friends and I wondered if she'd be moaning at them so much also, but somehow I got the feeling that she reserved that role for me.

I took up running. She mocked it by saying it was a cliche how middle aged women who had never exercised would suddenly feel the urge to do so and start running and damage their bones. To this day I still run 2/3 times a week.

I started training to become a counsellor. She mocked it and actually said how everyone and their mother was hitting middle age and boredom and would train to become a counsellor. I have been successfully practising as a counsellor for 4 years now.

She turned 50 and we had no immediate plans to meet, so I posted a beautiful scarf to her home address. I know she loved it because I've seen a lot of photos in sm with her wearing it.

A year later I turned 50 just before lockdown. We met for coffee. She had no gift for me. Not even a card. She did some of her usual moaning. She then told me about an amazing gift she had bought for her friend's 50th birthday. She then let me pay for the coffees.

I think the OP posted to show 'ghosting' from the other side.
I have really only been properly ghosted once and I still don't know why and it would've been really helpful to find out as I'm sure that I could have rectified the issue. I'm talking about having 10+ years of close friendship with someone and then no contact at all. @KittytheHare Losing touch is different as then the friendship drifts from both sides due to circumstance (leaving job/finishing uni/kids leaving school), not a sudden cutting off of the friendship in full flow, not answering texts (mine was over 20 years ago so no WhatsApp or SM then). Ghosting would be a good friend messaging me now and me just ignoring any contact from them when previously we would have messaged or met regularly.

I wonder if she remembered it was your birthday?

In general I don’t agree with ghosting, it is cowardly. But that’s the sort of ghosting where you block somebody and refuse to tell them why you’re ignoring them.

I think that just not getting in touch, being busy when they do, and allowing things to drift is fine though if the friendship has run its course, and some people call that ghosting.

You haven’t said what form your ghosting took. I think yanbu, because she can’t have been a close friend. A close friend would have been worth talking to honestly, to have a chance of saving the friendship.

Not sure why you haven’t moved on from this. If you regret what you did, get in touch to apologise / explain. If you don’t regret it, then I’m happy for you 🤷‍♀️

No one cares .

No one cares about this woman other than you and you need to let go or she will fill your head forever.

I agree with whomever said that the lack of self awareness is one of the biggest issues. Usually I am the sort of person who wants to talk things over if I have an issue. And not to ‘win’ but to try and understand. And if after a discussion with that person, I realise that it’s a me problem then I will apologise.
But the friend I have that I am struggling with doesn’t work like this. You could try and be honest with her, but she would either shut down or lie about how she feels about it - as in she would go in to people pleaser mode and be very apologetic but then you would get bitched about to anyone who would listen

I care.

Speak for yourself.

OP I hope posting on here has made you feel better. It’s a shame you didn’t have the courage to tell your ex friend how you felt, but I think the window for that has closed.

I've ghosted a friend before. We were really close for a while, but she was very needy and kept making really bad decisions. She'd ask my advice, ignore it, then end up in a mess, lamenting that she had ignored my (sensible) advice. Over and over again! I think she enjoyed the drama but I really didn't. She also accused me of doing something horrible. She did admit that she was wrong to do this, but it was the last straw for me.

Whenever I see a thread title about someone being ghosted I always read it, in case it was started by my friend. I do feel guilty about it, as I expect she would have 'no idea' about why I stopped wanting to meet up.

I think it’s great that you have good boundaries and expectations for friends. It sounds like you’re a thoughtful friend who expects the same from others.

But if you were training to be a counsellor wasn’t her emotional dumping good practise for you? Although I guess you must have to compartmentalise as a counsellor and it must be annoying to be given a lot of feelings/problems by someone who isn’t paying you and doesn’t necessarily want help

Honestly, life is far too consuming and interesting to have wasted 30 minutes writing and posting this. Why do people (usually women) feel the need to vent/air their every thought/nuance/worry etc.
Very self absorbed and weird need for some kind of validation.

And yet here you are, replying and venting about women venting..

Its just a discussion on a subject thats frequently aired on this board, so why are people so invested in making out OP has some kind of weird obsession?

Yes, someone needs to.

The irony 😂

I get why you wanted to post, get it out and get rid of it.
Her mocking was particularly nasty and the only reason needed to dump her as a friend.

Wholeheartedly agree.

I tend to give people a wide berth if they talk about being ‘ghosted’.

Nobody needs a watertight excuse and/or express permission to recede from a relationship that’s not terribly close or fun anymore.

Others may read the OP and recognise the behaviour in either a friend or themselves. It may save someone a lot of time, energy and money.

What is wrong with you that you're slapping a woman down for posting about something that was really bothering her?

Pathetic.

I voted YABU because there's no mention of you trying to jolt the friend out of her moaning or to point out how unkind she was being with her putdowns.
If you really liked her, to start with, you could have thought back to why that was and tried to save the friendship but you don't say you did that.

When she talked about the 50th gift for another friend, you should have piped up then.
At least that would have let her know what you thought.

Surely this is a reply to the other thread?

This is the answer. Perhaps.

Or maybe op you simply wanted to feel validated for making a choice to cut contact. I suspect you would have experienced more closure had you told her why, how you experienced the friendship and how it made you feel. Sadly your friend did not treat you well, you did the right thing. You could write it all in a letter and burn it? Or maybe this post was enough?

So? You are over dramatising an annoying situation. Let it go 🤷🏽‍♀️

YABU to post this - it happened 5 years ago. Move on

It doesn't seem like it was a great friendship. I'd say you were right to let it cool off but there's no real need to still be thinking of it several years later.

I understand it's hurtful and you're of course ok to not want to pursue things.

As a counsellor I'd hope you'd see right through all this and understand what it's about. You're only human of course. If my counsellor thought this way and wrote like this, I wouldn't go there.

seems fair enough. You dont owe her anything.