Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

I remember that thread.

Sorry, I didn't mean that particular day, not many would cope with that being sprung on them

But you said that you never liked whole days with other people except family (even planned ones) and I just wondered why <nosy>

OP how about new years resolution of politely but firmly asserting your boundaries?

It is completely normal to say : it has been lovely to see you but I'm going to have to ask you to go soon, I need to do something "

I’ve worried about this too but my daughter has ASD and learning disabilities, she has no issues asserting herself and will just wave a hand and say “bye! go away.” Haha I wish I’d had her confidence.

That's exactly what I did and it still had no impact. I think some people are just utterly bombproof 😬.

I am childfree.

I would have loved them but a combination of being gay and having let people walk all over me far too much resulting in perpetual singledom has meant it wasn't going to happen.

‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’
'yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want'
'ah we would have loved that but unfortunately I've got an online shop coming and I'll need everyone gone before it arrives/I need to catch up on some other bits, it's been such a great day though, we've really enjoyed it. thanks for coming.'

'well this has been lovely, I better get on with cleaning up now do you want to get all the kids stuff together'
'oh no rush - ooo shall we have another cup of tea'
'I'd have loved to but I've got some workmen coming to measure up and do some quotes, we're thinking about having new windows so it's going to take a while for them to go through everything with me, it's been great to see you though'

‘yes come on kids tidy all this away and you can have another game of UNO'
'I think it's best if we just pack everything away now, I can see the signs DC is getting overstimulated and I don't want it to all end in tears/arguments after such a nice day, it's been really fun though, we'll have to do this again sometime'

I cant think of any examples but I have hinted at builders/other people coming to the house to get people shifting and they inevitably end up faffing about/taking a long time to get ready and all the while they now have something else to talk about 'Oooh wonder where your builder is! Have you tried calling him? Do you want the number of the one me and husb used, hang on I'll get it for you' (while I am there cringing wondering if they know I'm lying)!

Ha this takes me back to an old neighbour who called round with videos - yes that old - of a mutual friend's wedding. God it lasted so long I lost the will to live. Dh fell asleep and she still failed to pick up on hints/body language.

I would hate to outstay my welcome but I simply avoid letting certain people in now.

OP; 'She did mention her DP was having a ‘gaming day’ so maybe she was just keeping the kids out the way all day, they do appear to have a traditional partnership from bits Ive picked up on.'

That's the real CF part of this. She was deliberately staying out of the house, staying as long as possible to avoid going back home and disturbing her DP.

I'd always advise saying 'well, I'm going to have to chuck you out now, I'm afraid, as I've got stuff I need to do.' No explanation needed.

They really can be. It's not that there is NO solution to dealing with them it's just that it's exhausting for people who find conflict difficult and CAN mean the end of a friendship. Which maybe is for the best in most of the situations described here but can also come with regret and you can end up basically gaslighting yourself with whether you should have done something differently.

This sort of thing does work with normal people on most occasions.

I THINK when it gets really tough is when you are dealing with chancers who have an agenda that you're unaware of and they are highly motivated to attain whatever that objective is and will stop at next to nothing.

In my case - it was free laundry/food/accommodation in London (powerful incentive).

I'm not just talking about spending all day at the house here, more generally.

Next time just say

'goodbyes it's been 4 hours already!!! I really have to get on and get some errands done and finish of some tasks. It's been really nice. Let's do it again another time.'

Then STAND UP and start organising the kids. 'Come on kids. Packing up. Play date is over'

All said cheerily

Been thinking about this a bit more.

Is it hard for some of us to be assertive about asking/getting someone to leave because it's juxtaposed with how you feel about the person? When this happens with family or friends (rather than a hanger on), it feels strange to simultaneously love/like them but be sick of them and want them to leave.

Maybe some people are more uncomfortable with that contradiction. Especially if the guest don't seem to feel that way. They're happy to keep going forever while you're dying inside. That discomfort might manifest as guilt, making it harder to assert yourself. I feel terrible when I've had enough but they haven't. It feels like I'm being ungrateful for the people I have in my life.

I have two friends like your friend. They genuinely can not pick up on social cues that it is time to leave even if you just run into them in the street. You need to be direct with them, for example ok B it was great to catch up, but now I did to end your visit as I need to do x and y. Why don't you gather your kids' toys, and I will grab your coats and shoes. Stand at the front door.

I have a good friend whose company I really enjoy but of late avoid getting together as he just won't take the hint.

He's an older retired man, few friends, lived alone all of his life. Even when he finally has one leg into his car, he starts another anecdote or line of conversation. I always end up feeling mean and ungracious but I have so much to do and so little free time.

One of my best friends is a Falula. On my sons birthday party in the house, everyone left at 2.30 which was end time and she and her husband and kids stayed for 3 hours and I had to say “I am
chucking you out now, we’re all wrecked and I have to clean”. Literally no idea with hints etc. My son was hiding in his bedroom whilst their kids were downstairs and they still didn’t pick up when I said “oh he’s knackered after his party and wants some peace”

Feck off with you!😂

Back with my tales (or depending on work, I'll get at least one in!)

Roughly ten years ago I had split with a long-term partner who'd moved out, with children etc, I was devastated. I was off work, in the middle of a ten-day period that had been booked originally for a holiday- just at home moping about, crying and generally feeling crap. The house was a mess, I was living off junk food and just about functioning.

I had a fairly new friend who rang me one day about something else entirely. She asked if I fancied doing anything and I told her I was very down and explained about the situation. She immediately offered to come and stay with me for a couple of days, she loved housework, she'd help me sort the house, walk the dog with me, cook, etc. etc-now I do not like taking favors from people and it was a long conversation but eventually she said 'Board, I could do with getting away from here for a couple of days anyway. I need some fresh air too. It'll be my pleasure' or something like that so she comes over.

Long story short, she was still there WEEKS later. I didn't know what to do. I thought at the very least she'd leave when I returned to work. It baffled me, her being a fairly new friend I knew she worked as a trainee civil servant and I knew she was studying but I didn't know the ins and outs or hours-and the situation was so bizarre! I felt like saying 'Don't you, like, have somewhere to be now?!' or something. As mentioned previously I do not have good boundaries, was totally out of my depth and was feeling especially fragile due to my own situation. As she'd come over to help also, I felt that it would be terribly ungrateful to turf her out. I tried other tactics-at one point I had a family day out to go on and felt sure she'd leave knowing I'd be out most of the day. But no, still there (IN BED!) when I got back around 18:00. She was there while I worked and by this time all 'help'had ceased, she was just enjoying dossing around my house. It was so uncomfortable and despite my having felt very lonely before she came to visit, by now, I just wanted some space! I didn't even know her that well and it was WEIRD.

Each day I'd say 'you really should get going now I am sure' or similar things and she'd agree to but then wouldn't. Always 'I would've gone this morning but I saw that traffic was very bad on the motorway' or 'I would've gone this evening but then it was rush hour by the time my jacket came out of the wash' etc etc.

I am ashamed to say that my Mum threw her out-well, demanded she leave, in the end. And it still took hours before she went, following that.

Did you make her dinner?

What a nightmare though, my Other Peopling battery runs low after a couple of hours/a few if I'm really enjoying the company. I'd have tackled it with humour tbh: look at watch, do a cartoon-like double take, mimic a kick, and say 'right then missus my cuppas aren't that good, im booting you out now I've got shit to do'. Or you could've tried pretending to fall asleep 😂

Christ!

This is probably why she doesn’t have friends, she’s bad at reading social hints and cues, making her challenging company.

She’s not thick skinned or cheeky, she’s oblivious.

Did you ever find out if she actually had a place to go back to?
What did she say to your mum?

This is not to guilt you, but I am intrigued.

Did she leave the house to work?

I had this

Playdate with 3 kids

Plus my 2

They stayed for five hours

I felt like I'd been in a blender once they'd left

I had to basically frog march them out the door

Never again