I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Can confirm that being offered a job for a spouse is a thing, I've heard of it in a few industries!
Applying for a job overseas without informing your spouse is also a thing, I know a few people who've been in your situation but like you they were really angry! I'd be so concerned by so many aspects of this - does he not appreciate your opinion? Does he not respect that this affects every aspect of your life too? Is this how he's going to approach other major turning points in your life?

I've previously left a private sector job due to relocating because spouse was offered a job elsewhere. My employer offered my spouse a job (not outrageous - similar industries/a lot of crossover) in an effort to get me to stay, so it does happen.

I presume he only applied for it in a bit of fantasy land, it never really occurring to him that he'd actually get it.

I dunno... I guess it depends on your personality, and the dynamic within your relationship.
You say later on that it's a permanent job. Well, no it's not, a job is as permanent (or not) as you want it to be. If you decide in 18 months that, welp, this isn't for me, then you can call it quits.

Depending on whether you've got important ties to the UK and what the real destination actually is... I think I'd probably try it tbh!

On a more practical level - do you own a house or are you renting where you are? If he goes alone, could you maintain the rent/mortgage by yourself or would you have to move out anyway?

What is your friendship/family network like where you are currently?

These are just a few questions that I would have to ask in order to make the best decision possible for me.

I'm going to be a dissenting voice in all this indignant outrage.

In the 1990s I was offered an amazing job package out of the blue. The company I worked for had bought several other smaller companies and after a meeting at HQ one day I was approached by a director who offered me an amazing job — in Australia, managing and developing a business we'd recently bought there. We had no children, I loved to travel and I had relatives in Australia and New Zealand. The money was three times what I was earning here, there were generous relocation and housing packages and I was told my husband would be guaranteed a job at a higher salary than he was currently earning.

I went skipping off to DH, who was established at his workplace, with the good news. He reacted at first like you, OP. Why didn't I tell him, why did I assume that what was good for me was good for him etc. He was extremely angry and put out with me. So much so that I decided to accept the job because he was so unpleasant. Eventually, after a fortnight or so of feeling hurt and betrayed, he did some research, contacted the employment/ relocation specialists provided by my company and talked about his prospects over there. We ended up living in Australia for 7 great years. It set us up financially for the rest of our lives. Neither of us looked back in career terms. He said many times that he's really glad he didn't let his indignation prevent him from getting on board and coming with me. We came back because we both had ailing parents we wanted to spend more time with. We might still be there if smart phones with video calls and Zoom/ Teams had arrived earlier.

OP, your DH's situation may have been very different. He may have known about it for ages, applied for the position and been interviewed. He may have decided not to say anything about it because he thought it unlikely he'd get the job and so it wasn't worth bothering you about it. All I can do is suggest you explore all your options. Can you continue to work remotely from abroad in your current role? Are there likely to be work opportunities of your own (not manufactured by his employer) in South America? Is there a golden nugget hidden anywhere in this offer?

I think it's very easy (and very understandable) to say no and get furious about your rights, but relationships are built on compromise. I try to say yes to change and opportunity because from that has come a varied and interesting life. Only you know the situation well enough to understand whether this move would bring you opportunities. Good luck.

Hi OP. All I can think of with this, is that he didn't think he'd get the job, or thought he might 'jinx' it by mentioning it to anyone? Do you have any idea how quickly it happened, or whether it was a drawn-out application process?

You have included very few practical details included here, so it's hard to get context - eg. nobody knows:

How old are you both?

Are you planning to have children and when?

What would your plan be if and when you did have children - eg. carry on full-time in your current role, SAHM?

Is his job much higher paying - or not?

How much of a pay cut would this overseas role the company have found for you involve - if any?

Do you have 100% shared finances?

Would you need to sell your home in the U.K.?

For instance, if you're both mid-20s, perhaps he assumed (wrongly!) that this is the time to be 'footloose', before kids come along, and he just assumed you'd be on the same page?

If, for instance, his earnings are 10 times yours and his earning potential is exponential relative to yours AND you're planning to have kids in the foreseeable future AND you have discussed being a SAHM for a period, or putting the brakes on in terms of your career at this point - then perhaps he's thinking about the best way to financially provide for this future inevitability?

But maybe you aren't planning any career break or even to have kids at all and you're in your 40s or something - in which case, the way he has gone about this is very self-absorbed, to say the least.

He has really messed this up, hasn’t he?

Your last post is very honest and clear, and unfortunately his responses since he told you seem to exacerbate things. He is changing his story, he ‘forgot’, he can’t put himself in your shoes and see himself as the one who has forced himself to choose between marriage and career.

He should be apologising unreservedly, acknowledging that he understands your feelings and asking what he can do to salvage the situation constructively.

Would couples counselling help?

You have only two options: your marriage or your own career. Personally, I wouldn't want to stay married to a man who is so secretive about such a major life change. When my ex was offered a job in New York many years ago we discussed the opportunity together and I was also given a job. It was a great experience but the big difference was that we discussed it all beforehand.

the children question is a good one.
I used to work for a foreign corporation who sent Foreign Service Employees over for 3-5 years (usually - some managed to get back to back tours) but part of the deal with the country we were located in was that they could only bring a spouse on a non-working visa (unless also employed by the corporation - never happened). And the ones i most enjoyed working with had wives who were fully on board, because they planned their family-break during this time. So they (and mostly they managed, occasionally not which was sad for them) tried to get pregnant before he came over, and then had the 2nd baby relatively close in age so when they went back to their (sexist, patriarchal) country, they had a better chance of resuming/taking up their career.

Is that an option?

I think you're going to have to do the boring thing of writing a list of pros and cons, then comparing them. If you still can't decide, toss a coin! What I will say though is, don't cut off your nose to spite your face because he kept it secret. It's still an adventure.

What the hell?! I'd be furious.

I don’t think he is being honest op. Why would he not tell you? Probably because he knew you would say no not yet. As a couple if you’re strong enough I’d suggest long distance if you want to focus on your career for the next year or so. I think I’d be so annoyed with him I wouldn’t go!

I'd be shocked but South America is top of my dream list to travel to, so I think I'd make it work.

"forgot" isn't good enough. He's been a selfish arse. Do what's right for you, op.
I'd be livid if dh did this to me. You're meant to a team living life together. Not one dictating and forcing the other to step in line.

I would be annoyed also.
However, I think it’s quite possible he genuinely thought it was unlikely that anything would come from it and so didn’t want to get hopes up unduly.
If it was me, given your circumstances, I think I’d go for it actually.

Really don't blame you for being pissed, OP.

As you said, you might not have been excited about the application but knowing about it would have given you some time to think and stopped you being blindsided.

Apologies for not having time to RTFT, but is there scope for you remaining in the UK while he goes? With a view to you moving later?

Again, I can understand why this wouldn't be ideal.

I do think you have to stand your ground here, OP. It's so rich of him to accuse you of 'making him choose' when he's happy for you to be in that exact position, and with potential negative effects to your career, to boot.

I wonder if he didn't think there was no point creating an argument/discussion if he thought he wasn't that likely to get the post?

I would also say - as far as doing something like this "one day in the future" I think often that's not how these things work. Opportunities like that come when they come. If I were offered the chance to apply for something like that before I planned, I wouldn't be saying no, even if it was just because I would want to be seen to be interested for later on.

Personally, in your place as the spouse OP, if I wanted to do something like that ever, I wouldn't be worrying too much about career progression. Careers just aren't that linear, in many cases. Taking side roads might change what they look like, but it can often be for the better. And most people have long careers these days, especially of they don't have kids - lots of people have three or even four in a lifetime. There is time to get back on track, almost always, if you want.

I also wonder, do you have parents in the mix? If so, and they are healthy, it might be better to go now rather than later.

I think perhaps he didn't mention it because it would have been too much pressure. He wasn't sure he'd get it. It is not a deal breaker or mean he is unsuited to marriage. You both need to talk a lot.

It's bizarre he never thought to actually mention he'd applied for this position. I mean I understand he didn't think he'd be chosen but the fact he applied there was that slim chance! It sounds like you currently don't have children because naturally that'd be something else to consider, how it'd affect them. However is this really worth considering losing your marriage for? Which means more to you continuing your life here without him or taking that risk. What ever you decide, I hope it all works out well x

Outrageous! It's like you're not really a functioning adult. Absolutely NO.

I've got a bit of sympathy with your DH as well. I can see that I might not have mentioned it either - a mix of 'I'll never get it' with 'if I say anything it will jinx it'. I think drawing up a logic tree might help you. I will try a couple and post them, knowing how MN loves a diagram.

Would it mean a change of profession / industry for you or would you be in a similar role just a step down…. Hard to know from your post how detrimental it would be to your career
Could you look for a better job more aligned with what you are currently doing now once ye get settled there
Is your job your main concern or are there other things

I think you need to ask him why you are carrying the burden of the entire future of your marriage because he chose to apply for a job without discussing it with you.
His disregard for your choice of life trajectory is onerous and disingenuous.
He knew what he was doing by not including you in this process. He is setting you up with a fait accompli, and if you rock the boat by not acquiescing, you become his scapegoat.

Oh OP this is outrageous. What a self centred prick.

The fact that he 'knew it would cause an argument' means he knows this should have been a joint decision. I use the past tense as the decision has been made already. There's no point issuing an ultimatum, he's already chosen.

You could go with him and take the job you've been offered. It could be a great life experience for you but it won't undo what's been done here.

Do you want to be moved to another continent without discussion?
Do you want to be told what job you can do?
Do you want to spend the rest of time on edge waiting for the next surprise?

I couldn't settle knowing he could do all this behind my back and say nothing till it's all sewn up. Who knows what would be next.

My Partner did exactly this a few years ago.

The fact he didn’t consult me, and the feeling he would choose the job over me if I didn’t want to go, left me with no option but to separate.

It doesn’t matter how amazing the job/ location / money is. The lack of consideration, communication, and general singleminded way he want about it left me already feeling left behind.

Best decision I ever made.