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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no words. What do I do?

703 replies

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:19

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

OP posts:
CleftChin · 06/01/2025 10:16

Make no decisions or rash comments right now!

Yeah, he's been totally unreasonable, but you've been blindsided, so just give it a few days to percolate before you decide anything!

Then - I suppose for me (I've moved around a lot, and sometimes at short notice and to my detriment, sometimes with great planning and for my benefit), the question would be 'what's the plan' - is this a job that's paying so well that you'd do a few years and be able to retire? Or is it good, but still 30 years of slog?

How much do you like your current life/job - how much would you like it out there ( I hate the weather here for example, but stay because it's good for the kids. If the kids weren't in the picture I'd be out of here like a shot). How precarious is it - if you lose your job do you lose your visa etc..

DowntonNabby · 06/01/2025 10:16

I'd be livid if my DH thought he could dictate my life and career to such an extent. He KNEW this would be reaction, otherwise he'd have broached it a hell of a lot sooner. And the cheek of the man saying you are now forcing him to choose between job and marriage! Fabulous promotion for him or not, I'd be staying put and if he didn't want to, that's on him.

godmum56 · 06/01/2025 10:16

do the people who said "I'd do it" not get that its not the actual relocation that is the big issue here, its the partners behaviour? The relocation will affect the Op's professional life but there might have been ways to mitigate that had the partner not been such a devious arse

Fluffyiguana · 06/01/2025 10:17

I'd be inclined to tell him funnily enough you also have some secret secret irons in the fire of your own with several pending job applications to random countries around the world and you want to see how those turn out before you make a decision.

But not to worry as all of the jobs would come with a token job for him.

I'm sure he'll know you're taking the mick but he needs a reality check someway or another!

Blueberry911 · 06/01/2025 10:18

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/01/2025 09:49

  • He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.

Have you pointed out the discrepancy between these two positions? As both things can’t be true. Also, neither of them is actually an acceptable reason for not telling you.

Show quote history

Both can't be true and neither is acceptable really.
You are not his partner, OP. This would signal the end for me, personally.

godmum56 · 06/01/2025 10:18

CleftChin · 06/01/2025 10:16

Make no decisions or rash comments right now!

Yeah, he's been totally unreasonable, but you've been blindsided, so just give it a few days to percolate before you decide anything!

Then - I suppose for me (I've moved around a lot, and sometimes at short notice and to my detriment, sometimes with great planning and for my benefit), the question would be 'what's the plan' - is this a job that's paying so well that you'd do a few years and be able to retire? Or is it good, but still 30 years of slog?

How much do you like your current life/job - how much would you like it out there ( I hate the weather here for example, but stay because it's good for the kids. If the kids weren't in the picture I'd be out of here like a shot). How precarious is it - if you lose your job do you lose your visa etc..

I think the bigger question is "how can I trust this man now? What else will he/has he hidden from me?"

thisoldcity · 06/01/2025 10:19

I'd be heartbroken in your position, and the fact he can't articulate what he has done with any clarity would also drive me insane with fury. I think in your situation I would stay exactly where I am, in a job you love and where you want to be. See how he gets on in his exciting new job without you. Maybe a long distance relationship can work for a while, it does for some people. But the fact you aren't straight away thinking you'll go with him, albeit reluctantly, says it all.

PointsSouth · 06/01/2025 10:20

This would push all my fury buttons. But I think my response would boil down to, "The very fact you don't understand why I'm so furious makes it impossible for me to even consider this. You're on your own, bub..."

It's difficult to see how this can be anything other than the end of the relationship. You don't want to go - or, more to the point - you refuse to be coerced into going. But if he stays because you don't want to go, you'll never hear the end of it. He'll live his whole life comparing his actual situation with what might have been.

So, in effect, he has left you.

thisoldcity · 06/01/2025 10:21

@CleftChin 'the question would be 'what's the plan' - is this a job that's paying so well that you'd do a few years and be able to retire? Or is it good, but still 30 years of slog?'

Totally agree - what is his plan here? Or has he just gone for the high pay and that's it?

BluePapillon · 06/01/2025 10:22

Sounds to me like the dream job came up and he 100% remembered that he’d agreed to wait for this kind of move, so never mentioned it as why bother if he did not get it? It would only be stressful and lead to conversations about having agreed to wait etc.

Once he did get it he’s decided to play dumb and hoping you’ll go along with it and agree to go since it’s his dream job and he’s done so well to secure it.

I can kind of understand the reasoning, not that I approve of it.

NosinaBook · 06/01/2025 10:22

He definitely should have discussed it, I've put in for a job on a whim where I didn't think my chances were high so didn't mention it to hubby until interview stage but the job wouldn't have impacted where we live. He deliberately froze you out to serve his own needs. That needs addressed and for me, I'd need to see real understanding or why it was wrong and some remorse before I could even consider the offer. I guess you need to weigh up the pros and cons of the offer but I'm afraid that it doesn't look good for your marriage whatever decision you make. He will resent you if you don't go, you might resent him if you do and miss your old life. The thing about emigrating is that it has to be a goal for both of you for it to work. You need time to properly consider this, he can't rush you, he's had time to think it out and you haven't. Good luck, put yourself first, he obviously does.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 06/01/2025 10:23

I would try staying together but living separately ... or he will have to give up his dream job.

friendlycat · 06/01/2025 10:27

I understand why you’re upset, but at the same time you need to evaluate everything.

This is something you were probably going to do but in a few years time. So bringing it forward would it still work? Would your career recover?

Are you open to the location involved?

Then the hard part of how you feel towards your DH for going about this completely the wrong way. If he had approached this correctly would you be feeling hugely different about it all? Do you think this is something you could overcome? Or are you so hurt and angry that you feel your relationship is irreversibly damaged?

BodkinToday · 06/01/2025 10:27

Are you Eidra and he's Stuart?

LostTheMarble · 06/01/2025 10:28

This is such utter disrespect and fuckwittery on a grand scale. Honestly if it was me, I think I’d have rather found out he was cheating on me - because at least then you can articulate how he’s fucked up your life whilst he’s building up his own in another way without having it turned around that it’s ’so great for the both of us’. The lying, the deceit, the assumption you’d be fully on board because it’s a great opportunity ‘for him’. Awful behaviour.

Ive realised recently exactly what male/female relationships are like. They’re never about equal support, women just become the paper wedge under his wobbly table existence. Just exist to hold them up until they wear through us. This is how he sees you, the support to hold him up not as two equal people.

AshCrapp · 06/01/2025 10:28

I would have probably moved with my partner, if it was to somewhere I knew and wanted to live - but I would really struggle with the deception, and don't think I could look past it. It must have taken him such a lot of preparation, over multiple rounds of interview, to land that. You could have been part of the process. Even him telling you that he was applying just in case he got it, for a decision in the future, would have been including you.

BluePapillon · 06/01/2025 10:29

BluePapillon · 06/01/2025 10:22

Sounds to me like the dream job came up and he 100% remembered that he’d agreed to wait for this kind of move, so never mentioned it as why bother if he did not get it? It would only be stressful and lead to conversations about having agreed to wait etc.

Once he did get it he’s decided to play dumb and hoping you’ll go along with it and agree to go since it’s his dream job and he’s done so well to secure it.

I can kind of understand the reasoning, not that I approve of it.

Just to add - seems like essentially this opportunity came up and he had to make a choice - go for it and figure the rest out later (ie his career as his number one priority in life) or tell you and negotiate and discuss (the partnership option).

He chose himself. And that tells you loud and clear that when it comes down to it, he’ll choose himself. Not sure i’d want to leave my entire life for someone who not only doesn’t see me as an equal partner but was able to lie to me and hide such a big thing - and continues to lie with the acting shady about his reason for hiding this.

That he’s tried to add insult to injury by saying you’d have argued with him about it and trying to turn it on you would be the final straw for me. It’s just rude and selfish.

Nothatgingerpirate · 06/01/2025 10:30

I have no words either, wouldn't know where to start.
There's another thread going on atm, called 'When you realise you hate them'.
😕

parietal · 06/01/2025 10:32

Iamnotalemming · 06/01/2025 09:12

Ouch that's pretty awful OP, I'm sorry. In your shoes I'd be now be thinking what else hasn't he told me? I think you now have two problems:

  • do I want to continue a relationship with someone who would keep a secret this big from me and expect me to just follow what he has dictated for our lives?
  • if he had been open and honest with me, would I agree to move my life and job for his work opportunity?

If your answer to either of these is no, then it's not working out, is it?

Good advice

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/01/2025 10:33

If you would have been open to it, how much does his behaviour and secrecy change that? Can you get past it or is it a deal breaker?

It should be a deal breaker. Even if you were delighted to go now (and you are not!) the behaviour you have seen before is the behaviour you'll see again. What happens when he demands something else you're even less delighted about? Or when he decides it's easier not to tell you about other things he fancies doing?

I assume by "main character syndrome" you mean that he's one of those blokes who are great to be with as long as what you want fits with what he wants and a real bastard if it doesn't. The change is sometimes so extreme it's like two different people but what it all comes down to is getting his own way. Fatherhood is usually the acid test for this, for whether a man is willing and able to put someone else's needs before his own preferences, but you don't have children so you hadn't met his worst side yet.

You say that with this he has just massively stepped up the "main character sydrome". Which means this is a pattern with him and it is a worsening pattern. If you reluctantly agree to this, he is not likely to feel so grateful that he never does it again. Instead he'll know he can get his own way regardless and keep stepping it up.

He "forgot" it would screw up your career. That's how important your life goals really are to him. It's painful but when someone tells you who they really are, believe them.

user1492757084 · 06/01/2025 10:37

I would have to go. It is SO exciting!

Could you delay your shift for a year? You stay and work hard at your job and correspond with SA about your job there. You might like to tweek it to suit you better.
Then move over and settle into the SA job for a year or two before making a decision about your career, your children and your country.
You then would be making a decision based on experience of both places.

ManchesterGirl2 · 06/01/2025 10:37

"He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him"

This is terrible. He's been very manipulative. I would consider taking a career back step for a partner, but not for a partner who lies and then tries to manipulate me into it. Sadly I'd be reconsidering the marriage over this.

Wheresthebeach · 06/01/2025 10:37

My DH was offered a great job (when he was very very unhappy in his current position) in South America.

Firstly we had dinner with the head guy and his advisors to discuss the move.
We visited the country (at their expense), checked out housing/schools.
There was a job for me as well.
Discussions took months, they wanted to make sure I was happy as otherwise my DH wouldn't last in the role.
I was part of all discussions, in the end we didn't move but nothing was a surprise for me. Your DH has shown that he will make life changing decisions for you, regardless of past agreements, and keep big secrets from you when it suits his purpose.

pimplebum · 06/01/2025 10:40

He really wanted this job and didn’t tell you as he hoped he could steam roll you into it

I would be very concerned by any partner who manipulated me to do anything

he defo thinks if your career as second to his

having said all this I personally would love travel and excitement in my life - so he can take me ! Sorry not helpful

BeAzureAnt · 06/01/2025 10:42

I’m going away next year on a 9-month fellowship, and it is in the UK. I consulted my DH every step of the way…saying…are you going to be Ok with us visiting each other every couple weeks? Do you want me to get a cleaner? I made sure the flat I’m in can accommodate his visits.

OP, your partner really needed to talk to you. I’d be tempted to say…off you go.