I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

OP has stated they have no children and no plans for any, ages ago.

This is exactly how it should have worked.

The level of input you have in this scenario your husband has created is a million miles from this.

I can understand him doing all this without your knowledge in some ways.. you had already agreed that it would happen 'some day' so had agreed in principle, and what is the point of causing arguments for something that may not even happen at all, if you had put the brakes on and he reluctantly agreed to drop it, he would have to spend his whole life wondering if he'd have got the job or not.

But fundamentally as life partners he owed it to you to give you the heads up, and you owed it to him to let him explore the options, before any final decisions were made, if you don't think you would have done that then that may explain why he never told you.

A similar thing happened to me, but with work instead of husband and I didn't go along with their plans, I went my own way, as they had it all mapped out for months and never once thought to ask me if I would be happy with it, it stung and I wasn't inclined to give them the satisfaction of slotting in with their plans.

A similar thing happened to me, but with work instead of husband and I didn't go along with their plans, I went my own way, as they had it all mapped out for months and never once thought to ask me if I would be happy with it, it stung and I wasn't inclined to give them the satisfaction of slotting in with their plans.

This exact thing is happening to me and I'm indignant to the point of (private) tears about it at least once a week. I've been waiting for the January vacancy influx!

Surely that theory goes out the window at interview stage though? He kept her in the dark to strong arm her into going along with his dream. He purposely gave her no time to research and look into things in order to give it proper consideration BEFORE any decisions have to be made. It's manipulative. I'd strongly advise against " just going for it ' when it means being far, far away from family and friends on the other side of the world with a manipulative man that your life/job will depend on. She needs to really think about what position she will be putting herself in, and whether it benefits her.

I think the main problem here is the total lack of discussion or lead up to your DH's announcement. He's not included you at all, which is rude and of course he must expect you'll be shocked and upset, and if he doesn't, he's very blind to your feelings.

At this point, you can only really talk it through and talk it through again until you come to an agreement of how to proceed.

Oh god how depressing. Be the little woman and give up your career dreams because you might take a few months maternity leave!

please never give anyone career advice.

Yes, sister. This is it. He doesn't want a fight? Fuck him and fuck what he wants. He can happily avoid a fight by fucking off to South America as fast as his shitty little conniving, dismissive, arrogant legs can carry him.

'He's' distressed! How on earth did he think this would be a good idea. To do all of it and expect you to just follow him without so much of a discussion.

I agree with you op, this is his decision to make, job or marriage. It's not your decision as he's not given you the opportunity to voice your concerns or discuss with him.

I'd also as yourself the same question, let's say in 2 years time (after he's been in his dream job) you got your dream job and he was also offered a job, but one that disadvantages him. Do you think he'd be happy to go along with it?

I can't believe that the interview process didn't involve him being asked about you, whether he'd discussed it with you, and whether you were willing and positive about the move. So the likelihood is that he lied to them.

How old are you OP? I would just start again. I don’t know about you but I have no interest in living in South America - any of those countries are harder to live in for women than for men. I would not be prepared to sacrifice my career in a relationship that may not last. Nor would I want to go forward with someone of such profound selfishness and manipulation.

It's not a dream job for OP it's a job but she says taking it would negatively affect her career and she already has her dream job here

I don't agree and I don't think it's helpful to see everything in such black and white terms.

She has several options. We don't know what they might be because we don't know any details, but she might be able to work remotely at her current job from abroad. She might decide to stay here and work while he goes off to South America and they both spend plenty of quality time together. No children to worry about. Could work nicely for them both for a few years. If she decides to end the marriage and focus on career there's no guarantee that everything will go well. We're heading into another downturn and there have been lay-offs in a wide range of industries. Now might be the perfect time to head to South America.

He categorically did not forget. He manipulated. He thought if he gave you no choice, once it was already a done deal, it would be a lot easier than discussing it before he applied, and having you say not to apply. The old adage “better to seek forgiveness than permission” comes to mind here.

He has completely manipulated you to get exactly what he wants. This would be divorce for me.

He “knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.

Well, the argument is now.

I agree in principle but it's better to put the onus of responsibility straight back onto him. Don't take on baggage that isn't yours, OP. After all, he is the one who took it upon himself to apply for a job involving emigration and a major upheaval for his partner without prior discussion, then presented the outcome to you as a done deal.

If he wants to go, he can be responsible for making that decision. I'd tell him I would not be coming. What he does after that is up to him and if he chooses that this amounts to a marriage deal-breaker, that's also up to him. To shift the onus of responsibility onto you is as cowardly as his decision (no one else's) to pursue this opportunity in a devious, underhand manner in the first place.

With a partner this manipulative, I'd be extremely wary of making a move that would leave me isolated in a strange country, and potentially in a very precarious position should the relationship end for any reason. In the event that children did come into the mix, you might find yourself unable to return to this country.

I like to have agency over my own decisions, particuarly ones as major as this. For this reason I might be inclined seriously to consider the future of this marriage whether he decides to take his golden opportunity or not. How can you trust him in future to involve you in things which you have a full right to know?

I couldn't.

Wow - so manipulative of him
and then to twist it so it sounds like it's your fault
he knows you'll give in so it was worth the risk

I afmut I havent read the rest of the thread. But just wanted to give you a hint of the other side.
my husband never talks to me when he is applying for another job or a promotion. He is a very high earner.
why?
because the processes can take up to nearly a year at his level, because he has to navigate it very carefully so he isnt accused of conflict of interest, because he doesnt want to have his hopes up by talking to me, etc.

it isnt controlling or not wanting to be in a marriage. It is him protecting himself and us.

BUT

applying abroad thats a different ball game altogether. However, knowing me and my love of adventures, if there was a job for me I know I would go.
what an amazing experience especially if rhe money is good!

good luck.

• I admit - sorry for rhe typo on the 1st line

OP, you say "..while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine."

As he has apparently taken over the running of your life, ask him how he will ensure, if you come back to the UK for any reason*, that you will be at the same stage in your career as if you'd never left and had continued progressing.

See what he says.

*such as, you don't / he doesn't like the destination after all, you lose your job / he loses his job and can't get another suitable one, you fall ill / he falls ill, etc.

I have seen this too in my career op, so I completely believe you.

The downfall of this.. your respect from others in the company on your position will based on feelings that you're only there because you're the bosses wife, you needed an elbow in so your skills would be questioned, or people would be completely false with you.

Arrogance of your husband aside, I'd hate to walk in on day one to my new job with everyone discussing my arrival as the juicy gossip, and not on my hard earned merit!

I'd be tempted to go for a year if a sabbatical from my current job was possible, refuse to work and blow all his cash on a private chef, personal trainer, cleaner, country clubs, and private sailing, yoga and tennis lessons....

I'm sure he'd be more than happy to accommodate all of it in your exciting new life! You could let him know what you're up to when the bills start to arrive.

There are a few implications to consider
A perm role/transfer usually means that the costs of return together or not are born by you, not the company.
It also means that if you lose your job with them, your visa will also disappear unless you are a citizen of that country / have right of residence. I have seen colleagues who have relocated with their spouses and families given 30 days to leave following redundancy. At their own cost. So required to move home, thousands of miles, find housing, schools etc incl pulling kids out in exam years at next to no notice.

By not discussing with you or involving you in the process whatsoever, he has shown how much he really considers you.
I would look at this offer purely selfishly. Unless it significantly benefits you in some way and it's something you want to do, it would be a firm no from me. Especially as you have no children as yet.

no - as i pointed out above, dozens and dozens of (Korean in my example) women do this all the time. And it works very well for them. One i particularly remember was a pharmacist in Korea. Her husband came over to basically set up the overseas office, and she did exactly the right thing for her: pregnant before she came over, had 2 babies here and after 5 years went back to Korea and took up her career as a pharmacist.

I kept in touch with her more than him, and last i heard she was lecturing and on tenure track at uni. He is a VP and their DCs are at uni.

This may not work for everyone, but if you are considering children at some point it is a very valid plan for some people. Not so much for others.

sorry Op that sucks and as nice as it is to get you a consolation job if it will negatively impact your current career, its pointless.

I'd tell him to go without you and spend some time really thinking about what you want to do.

As you said you did have this as a plan sometime in the future, it might not be impossible for you, but the lack of inclusion in any part of the process is very damning and marrs the whole thing.

I think you're devastated because he's shown you who he is.

He's shown you that he considers your life secondary to his.

Which on one level, is perfectly reasonable - all of us are stars of our own lives.

But on another level, you cannot risk going to a completely foreign environment with no support network, to be dependent on a man who sees you as a support human. If he really thinks he has the right to organise your life like this, it's a bad idea to be with him.

I'm so sorry.