I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

No fucking way would I agree to that.

I get you. I don't know the time frame, but maybe he should go ahead and go, suss it out and you could visit in a month maybe? You could then make more of a critical view of the situation. I would love the chance to work overseas, but I wouldn't want to be fooled either

Has he already accepted the job behind your back? If not, I think it's not quite such a stupid move. Stupid, but not a disaster.

The PPs who said look long term is very wise. Nothing worse than regretting what might have been. Losing a marriage and a life in a new country might be something you look back on with sadness.

If you decide to go you need to be 100% up for it and have a completely positive attitude to making a go of your new life. If you are always hankering for home you will never settle. Careers are important but looking back having taken a career hit myself having done a similar thing they are not what makes you you and so if you do decide to take the hit to your career it's not the end of the world from the perspective of your whole life. You can chose to try and be content and happy. But only you can decide that. Perhaps if you aren't intending to have kids you weren't expecting to ever take a hit to your career so that is another point I suppose.

If you have a happy marriage and were planning on emigrating at some point then I'd consider it.

Yes obviously it is ridiculous to apply in secret and do it all behind your back. Only you know if you can cope with his devious nature.

It's pretty coercive isn't it? Presenting the move as a fait accompli, having already got the job, makes you more likely to agree... If he'd approached you as an equal before applying, you may have said you didn't want to go, and then it would be him making a clear choice between the marriage and the job, and he's the bad guy. He's orchestrated it so that 'this is the situation now, and you have to make the crucial choices and now everything that comes next is YOUR decision, not mine'. It's so manipulative.

Forgot my arse!

I would be staying at home and probably divorcing the twonk.

There is no way he considers you an equal and I would not be able to stomach that in my future.

His arrogance and then bullshitting afterwards is breathtaking.

So he has shown complete disregard for your thoughts , feelings , career and everything you had previously agreed . Now he wants you to give up all you've worked for to support him in his dream .
This is not a marriage or partnership based on working together with mutual respect . He has shown you exactly how selfish he is and that he works as an individual.
I'd tell him good luck in his new job and look forward to a future pursuing your own goals and maybe finding someone who understands marriage is a joint endeavour.

I would be heartbroken that the man I thought was my husband, actually considered himself a free agent with an accompanying @justwantavirtualhug who does and feels exactly what he thinks she should and doesn't count as a person in her own right.

Even if I actually fancied the "thrown in for the spouse" job (and what kind of job is it that requires no recruitment other than 'candidate for new job wants to bring her along'?) I would not be able to get past this fundamental dismissal of my personhood by someone I had previously believed saw me as a full human.

It seems completely unforgivable to be so sneaky in the hope he can get his own way.

He has obviously gone about it in the complete wrong way, but to offer a different perspective, this is a high risk for my job, I am by far the higher earner although both in professional well paid jobs and we both care a lot about our careers. My role means I could be asked/required to transfer abroad at relatively short notice and the company really wouldn't care if it impacts my DH's career or not, whether the move is good for my kids etc etc. I've told DH this is a risk but there's not much more consultation I would be able do until it actually happens by which point it would likely be the case I had to take the transfer or quit. DH is aware of this but I'm sure it wouldn't/wont be an easy conversation if it actually happens. In your case if this is the only issue in your marriage (ie his non communication on this) and you're otherwise happy and keen to live in the country he wants to move to I would go (maybe depending how big the impact is on your career). I've done similar in the past for an ex (also zero discussion on his part - it was presented as I'm going, you can either come or we break up or do long distance, we were young but had been together 4 years at that point so definitely not a casual relationship). The relationship didn't survive and I left after two years in the new country but I never regretted moving abroad for him as I had an amazing experience there and although it seemed like a backwards move at the time for me career wise it actually proved to be very positive in the long term.

I agree with this. This would be a dealbreaker for me, he’s showing you clearly he’s prepared to manipulate you to get what he wants, and hasn’t considered you as an equal. He’s also set you up to be the bad guy if you don’t fall in line with his wishes.

How dare he treat you this way, I’d be apoplectic with rage if my DH did this to me!

I've just left a relationship because of secrets, similar kind of thing - a relationship has to be a team effort, he should have been open with you, discussed it all the way through. Problem with people who keep secrets and manipulate is that they don't change, and will do it again - you will never know where you are with him, what else don't you know about.
Its a devastating/distressing thing to find out about a partner you trusted.

Yes, spousal hire is a thing in north American universities, and possibly elsewhere in the world. I wouldn't say it was common, but it does happen.

That not what happend here though, he applied for the job. Totally different. You also know its not her only issue, it will negatively impact HER career.

It would have been a lot easier to consider taking a hit sooner for a husband who had included me and treated me like an equal
This is so true. But he doesn't see you like that!

He’s clearly telling you that he sees you as an adjunct of himself rather than an autonomous equal person. He’s ended his marriage by doing this, I think.

Yes these types of jobs happen.
My family member is very very senior in pharma and moves around the world every two years.
Their spouse is offered a similar position in chemistry for every move they make, so her career is not impacted.
They have a nanny that has travelled for years with them for continuity.

At a certain level this is not unusual.

OP, in your situation I would be very very slow to move for someone who would think this is a respectful way to behave.

No way would I jeopardise my career for someone so selfish.

He's handled this terribly as it should have been a joint discussion from the start. I agree with pps that this doesn't bode well for his attitude to partnership and respect for you as a person rather than an appendage to and facilitator of him. However, that's a snapshot of your marriage from your post and you know best whether this is typical or if he just got carried away and made assumptions that you'd be happy with it. In fairness, you like the country and there is a job for you, so once the shock has worn off, I'd give some serious thought to whether this actually could work for you (not because he wants it, but because it's something new, an adventure, an opportunity to experience a different life that not everyone gets the chance of) If you're absolutely certain that you don't want yo try the new thing, as oppose to being scared to let go of the current one, then you need to stand firm. Moving to a new country and finding the motivation to make it work can't be done from a place of resentment.

I've known it happen in UK universities, but not these days obviously. No money to hire the spouse any more!

I don't think there is any way that you can go along with this and maintain any autonomy. It is so shockingly disrespectful and presumptuous of your husband to have done this in such an underhanded way.

Regardless of the possible pros of the move, you cannot go along with and accept this behaviour.

He seems to have 'forgotten' both that agreement and the fundamental issue that he SHOULD have consulted and involved you BEFORE even applying.

Of course, he did not 'forget' either of those things - he wanted to present it as a fait accompli to force you to agree to it as he knew you'd say no if consulted prior to application.

I would be worried if I went along with this, then it could easily happen again ie in few years time, he'd make another unilateral decision which required similar upheaval ( relocation to another country or back home). He'd assume because I acquiesced once, that I'd do so again.
In this particular case, is the job you've been offered tied to his? So, if he didn't like his job and wanted to leave, would you be turfed out too or could you choose to stay if you wanted to? That would be an important consideration for me.

Whilst it's an arsey way to do it, I loved a few years living abroad, it took time to rebuild my career when I got back, but it massively enhanced my non-work life.I suspect when you retire you may look back and regret this. If you will be comfortably off as a couple and it won't impact any kid's education, then I'd go abroad in a second.

I'd read him the riot act and tell him this is way out of order and see if he has some humility and understanding, but presuming he could recognise where he went wrong I'd go.

nope because its not the place its the lost trust that would be a dealbreaker for me

Absolutely no way would I do this. Leaving aside the fact you love your current job, I would not uproot my entire life to be with someone who went behind my back on something so major, and who tries to turn it onto you when called out on it (ie saying it's you choosing career over marriage!). This is not a life partner. I'm so sorry he's been such an utter utter bastard.

I am flabbergasted and don't blame you for being in shock, he has just launched a grenade into your marriage.
If you go, you are negatively affecting your career and who is to say he won't do more one sided, utterly selfish moves again. You can't really trust him to have your best interests at heart at this point. Are you going to resent the move eventually? What about support networks, friends, family?
If you don't go, he will either stay with you and resent the fact that he didn't go and blame you for missing out on his dream job. Or he goes and presumably the marriage is over.