I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

I know of a job coming up at my work that I want to apply for. It hasn’t even been advertised and I’ve discussed it openly with my DH.

He is currently applying for roles. He called me at work one day about a role he was thinking about applying for. It sounds wonderful and I was wondering why he even asked me if he should apply. He had a screening interview and they asked if he would be willing to relocate to another city. He told me the same day that this could be on the cards. I support this. If he had not mentioned it to me until it was a done deal, would be a deal breaker for me.

the fact that your husband applied for a job and went through the interview process without discussing it with you is gobsmacking. Is he usually secretive or deceptive? Is it within the organisation that he currently works for? If it’s external, he’s presumably had to take time off work and go to multiple interviews, all while hiding it. I don’t buy that he thought it was a long shot, each communication with them he knew the odds were getting shorter in his favour.

The fact that it would involve an international move that he knows would negatively impact your career and you’ve even discussed that now is not the right time for such a move shows that he has no respect or care for you. He wants what he wants and nothing is going to stop him. You can either follow along and sacrifice everything for him, or he will drop you like a hot potato. Either way, your relationship is over and you sadly know it.

see the thread by GenericName123 who is going through something similar. It’s absolutely astounding that these men treat their partners this way.

Universities offer a job to the partner when getting a professor to come from far away, it just makes sense as most people need two incomes.

depending on how competitive and unlikely it was he would score this job I can kind of see why he didn’t mention it beforehand as he didn’t think it would happen and didn’t want to be disappointed and embarrassed as well as dealing with arguments.

as someone who left all friends family and hope of career to move abroad permanently for my husbands future, I’m sitting in a position of 19 years experience. We do have kids though.

we struggled a lot over the years. I missed out on so much with my family - only visiting twice in all these years. I missed my grandparents final years and funerals. I left all of my friends in one part of this country to move again for his work.

and after all that I gave up, he had an affair with a coworker and we are facing divorce.

think carefully because if you let him go alone he’ll probably end up cheating anyway. Even if he seems totally lovely and trustworthy. The nicest men are the most popular ones and other women will want that.

think about where you might be twenty years from now. If you think your career can take the hit go for it. It does sound like a great opportunity. But he aware you are changing your life forever. It is so much harder to go back to England after many years living abroad.

I must live on a different planet from you lot. So he applied for a job he was unlikely to get and boom...he won the lottery. It's not just a job, it's a dream job. And he hasn't made a decision without her. He is telling her, now that it's in his lap "I have a real concrete opportunity here, what do you think? I'd obviously really like to go as it's my dream job". Ok so she didn't know he'd bought the lottery ticket, but now he has won, he's asking what to do with it. And personally I'd take a step back in my career for my husband's dream job, as I know he would also do for me because we've done these things for each other in the past. Marriage is a team game, he obviously thought they'd both benefit in the long term. Fine if he misjudged, she can still say no.

I'm so sorry that he did that to you. I have emigrated too but if I'd moved here for my husband, that would have felt like double the betrayal. Emigrating is unbelievably solitary, but also a life changing experience which teaches you so much as you know. This affair doesn't fundamentally change the fact that all his best experiences have been with you, and his worst. The betrayal does not negate all that you have been through, but it's a huge kick in the teeth I admit. I hope however you have friends around you now and it doesn't make you feel desperate to move back when you have created a while life there.

He forgot! That's the nail in the coffin right there

It sounds like OP’s DH is being a bit disingenuous with his excuses for why he didn’t talk to her in advance - it could range from knowing she wouldn’t be happy about it through to not wanting to get her hopes up. Or thinking he’d not get it and not wanting to feel more like a failure. I can see why he could maybe rationalise it to himself.

He really should have approached telling OP with rather more emotional intelligence, recognising this was a seriously big bit of life changing news that OP might feel conflicted about. But when you’ve just landed your dream job you can maybe forgive him not thinking properly.

I think now he does need to acknowledge that that OP is completely reasonable to feel totally poleaxed, and be able to apologise for handling this badly. If he can genuinely do that then I think there’s a way forward here. If he sticks to making excuses or can’t recognise why OP isn’t immediately jumping for joy, then they have problems.

Well which is it - did he think you’d be really excited about it or not happy and make a row? It can’t be both. And what else will he not tell you over the years for the same crap, contradictory, reasons? When someone tells you who they are, listen.

DH and I have been in partnership for 25 years. We tackle all our problems and big decisions together. So clearly for me it would be a hard NO.

If they sat down and mapped out a 10 year plan, then he’s either lying or being exceptionally “main character” in wiping OPs career aspirations from his memory.

Though I can imagine a conversation where the DH’s main take out is “OP is really excited about the idea of moving to South America” while OP’s is “would love to do this…but not yet”.

He forgot? This gets worse. Just NO op.

What a controlling, dismissive, disrespectful ARSE.

Doesn't matter if this is a great opportunity, a fascinating place to go etc.

You were the last thing he considered when he made his secret plan.

Imagine you do go half way across the planet, settle, are happy, maybe have a kid there - and suddenly it's 'oh by the way darling, we're moving to China next month.'

Because you gave the message that you were ok with it last time.

Tell him EXACTLY how this has made you feel.

And be prepared to discover you didn't really know him at all.

Agree absolutely No he didn't he was completely selfish and deceitful. The more I have thought this through about him planning and doing all of this I mean it's more than just an interview he even has OP lined up for work! the more I have thought on it the more I wouldn't trust him. Where in SA OP ? What's his job if you don't mind me asking.

You are very lucky you don’t have children whilst making this decision or you’d feel forced into it. You can make the decision that suits you whilst also considering whether this is the person for you. Ask him what would he do if this were reversed, would he drop everything? Men have a habit of thinking they’re more important.

You might be married but you should always put your own needs first in cases like this. He’s putting his needs firsts, so you do it.

Personally, I wouldn’t be going half way across the world when I am happy where I am.

I imagine the average person would feel even more disinclined to drop everything and move their children to the other side of the world on the undisclosed whim of their father, when it might have legal repercussions which meant they couldn’t subsequently remove their children!

I haven’t read every reply on this thread so apologies if I’m repeating.

there are a bunch of questions I’d be asking in your shoes:

the practical one of “is this something I want to do right now? And can I put everything else aside because I want to do this for me.

one about whether your DH respects you and your marriage in a way that you are happy with (I wouldn’t be, but it’s really your call).

There something else about hierarchy (I’m stretching here to guess that the organisation involved here is tightly structured and hierarchical culture - and that they haven’t spoken to you either is not something I would enjoy from an employer either.

But the saddest one, and perhaps the biggest consideration for me, if I was in your position , is that your DH has had moments of excitement, nervousness, joy etc and hasn’t turned to you as the first person he WANTS to share them with (not just out of respect).

I want my marriage to be where I am the first person DH thinks to tell as soon as as something exciting happens; and who he would want to spend the evening before an interview with sharing his nerves and preparing etc ; then the post mortem convo after the interview to say how it’s gone etc; and where he trusts that if he doesn’t get it, that’s ok, I would be there to share his disappointment.

And, for me, it’s important that he chooses to do this (and that I feel the same reciprocally) because things are better shared and faced together rather than on our own - and it’s a key cornerstone of what I value in a strong marriage.

Just my thoughts..

He also lied about that...first he said he forgot, THEN he said he did it to avoid an argument!

He did not misjudge, he LIED and hid it. I think its telling that even you from a different planet frame it as "I have an opportunity" and "I'd really like to go" not "we" Thats not the narrative of a team player whatever planet you live on.

If it's a public role, making friends will be hard. I'd let him go, for the first year, then you make a decision after that.

Except he didn’t say what do you think, so much as I start on x date and you’ll be doing this job! These are VERY different conversations. Both not ideal, but one is marriage ending and one is jsut serious conversation level - eg ‘what do I think? What do I THINK?! I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME THIS WAS GOING ON IS WHAT I THINK!’

Oh wow wee.. I know he's been underhanded..
But he probably thought by telling you first you'd go.. No.. No and it's still No..

He was testing this job application just to see if he was really good enough.

Then amazingly he got the job.
He must feel on top of the world.

He probably thought you'd be that wonderful supportive wife as he would with you in your career.

If you love each other enough you'd do it.. Give him your blessing.

Take that golden opportunity with both hands and make a go of it.

If you both don't settle after 2 yrs you can always come home..

You could loose the job your in tomorrow. Remember your only a number at work..

I wonder how he would feel if the roles were reversed?

Would he just move abroad and start a new job without being discussing it in advance?

The fact that he’s got this far without sharing anything with you is massive. He’s not acting like your husband/partner. It’s weird. I’d be letting him jet off and getting on with my life here. What else isn’t he sharing

Let him go and enjoy his dream job while you stay and find yourself a dream husband.

The original post makes it clear that they had already discussed this move and decided that they would do it in a few years because if they did it now it would be damaging to her career! Despite that you say “he probably thought you’d be that wonderful supportive wife as he would with you in your career”!

bridges!! get yer bridges here!! Just for you a special invisible one that can be delivered by Evri