Page 22 | I have no words. What do I do?

justwantavirtualhug · 2025-01-06T08:19:02+00:00

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it. He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career. He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that ^he^ has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do. Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go. PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

BeanAround · 07/01/2025 20:36

I can completely understand your reaction OP it’s not unreasonable at all.

However I can also imagine that if your DH thought this was a real long-shot why he didn’t mention it. Maybe he applied for the experience of the process or showing interest for the future. Certainly in some careers there would be a general expectation that you ought to put yourself forward when these opportunities arise to be taken seriously.

And then elated about actually being chosen for the role against all expectations, he’s not thinking straight about how you are likely to feel about this being dropped on you out of nowhere.

I think you’re going to have to try to separate out how you feel about how he has gone about this from how you feel about the idea of moving.

It would be equally bad to be railroaded into going as it would be turn it down just because you were angry with him about hiding the fact he applied for the role.

i think you’re going to need a good opportunity to express how you feel about how this come about and resolve your feelings (shock, anger, disappointment etc) before you start exploring how you feel about moving overseas. I agree with others suggesting that some counselling sessions could be helpful here.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 07/01/2025 20:38

Motnight · 06/01/2025 08:29

Is he always this controlling?

I am surprised that you have been guaranteed a job that you haven't applied for and haven't even spoken to the employer to be honest.

This happens in some universities, it's part of the package that they do 'spousal hire'. I think more common in the US.

valentinka31 · 07/01/2025 20:41

Now I am going to sound like a bit of a loser here, I think, but then I have been through rather a lot and lost a huge amount due to a bad relationship. So, I would be over the moon for him, and I might just say ok, I love the place, the job (by your description) is great and salary very generous, and he can't imagine doing anything without you. Personally I'd be happy with all that. I wouldn't want to make him give up his total dream in order to be with me. I'd want to be with him. And then do that for some time. And work out a different way to achieve my own goals. Over time.

It's hard to say exactly when I don't know quite what your job is, what the new one is, what you'd be leaving behind, if you have to really leave it or could do remotely, etc. But I do know that in your position I'd be saying ok we are a couple and this is the next big step. Because if you'd got your total dream you'd want him by your side too.

That he did it 'in secret' seems to me like he had to focus on this purely himself, and see if he could get it. And he did. I think it's supposed to be a beautiful surprise for you.

It's life. He went for it. You're a couple. So in your place I'd find a way to work with it. Because I wouldn't want to give him up or make him give up his dream. And I'd find a way to have mine too.

Katej82 · 07/01/2025 20:55

Me I'd be off like a shot! But of course I would not be happy about not discussing it all beforehand it's a huge decision leaving your own families and uprooting children. Personally the UK has very little good to offer.But I do find it odd why he did all of this without discussing it with his wife.. did he tell you why he never told you the plan?

Smokesandeats · 07/01/2025 20:57

valentinka31 · 07/01/2025 20:41

Now I am going to sound like a bit of a loser here, I think, but then I have been through rather a lot and lost a huge amount due to a bad relationship. So, I would be over the moon for him, and I might just say ok, I love the place, the job (by your description) is great and salary very generous, and he can't imagine doing anything without you. Personally I'd be happy with all that. I wouldn't want to make him give up his total dream in order to be with me. I'd want to be with him. And then do that for some time. And work out a different way to achieve my own goals. Over time.

It's hard to say exactly when I don't know quite what your job is, what the new one is, what you'd be leaving behind, if you have to really leave it or could do remotely, etc. But I do know that in your position I'd be saying ok we are a couple and this is the next big step. Because if you'd got your total dream you'd want him by your side too.

That he did it 'in secret' seems to me like he had to focus on this purely himself, and see if he could get it. And he did. I think it's supposed to be a beautiful surprise for you.

It's life. He went for it. You're a couple. So in your place I'd find a way to work with it. Because I wouldn't want to give him up or make him give up his dream. And I'd find a way to have mine too.

Why should OP give up a job that she loves and a home she likes living in because of her selfish partner’s decision to accept a position abroad that hadn’t even been discussed with her? Do you honestly think he would do the same for her? (He wouldn’t!). She deserves better than this.

I’d be thinking about divorce in this situation rather than following him abroad.

GivingitToGod · 07/01/2025 20:59

Lucyccfc68 · 07/01/2025 19:01

Why would you assume that the woman is going to be the one having a few years out of the loop raising children. Are we still in the 1950’s?

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Because that's the reality in the overwhelming majority of relationships/marriages

Minc · 07/01/2025 21:08

His behabiour is entirely acceptable — if you’re 12 months old and he’s your dad.

Lucyccfc68 · 07/01/2025 21:31

GivingitToGod · 07/01/2025 20:59

Because that's the reality in the overwhelming majority of relationships/marriages

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Not in my circle of friends it isn’t. We have all continued to work and have careers after having children. I honestly know very few SAHM’s.

LaLatina · 07/01/2025 21:35

Lucyccfc68 · 07/01/2025 21:31

Not in my circle of friends it isn’t. We have all continued to work and have careers after having children. I honestly know very few SAHM’s.

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Yes, the only SAHPs I know, and those are only a tiny handful (and I’m in my 50s and have moved around a lot internationally), are those for whom it wasn’t a choice because of their own illness or that of a child, or SEN meaning that a parent was needed at home FT. Two were SAH dads, one because of MH issues, the other because he was made redundant several times.

It’s not something anyone actually wants to do, in my experience.

GivingitToGod · 07/01/2025 21:45

Lucyccfc68 · 07/01/2025 21:31

Not in my circle of friends it isn’t. We have all continued to work and have careers after having children. I honestly know very few SAHM’s.

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Hi, I was referring to when one parent has a career break due to child care. In the majority of cases, it tends to be the woman who is the sahp.
FWIW, neither myself or any of my friends stopped working after having children either

Paisleyandpolkadots · 07/01/2025 21:46

To be honest, I'd be a bit worried about what things he might be keeping quiet. This is a really major decision which he has just sprung on you and which he didn't bother to discuss with you in a mature adult way - you know, the way partners discuss and agree about things. I will say being familiar with a place on holiday is quite different to living and working there. I would be very unhappy in your position and I say that coming from an immigrant family so more prepared for change that many people who haven't moved more than 10 miles from their family in three generations.

What's the healthcare like? How about the crime rate? How many trips home per year? How badly hit would your career be if you went? How easy would it be to come back and get another job if it didn't work out?

Lucyccfc68 · 07/01/2025 21:49

GivingitToGod · 07/01/2025 21:45

Hi, I was referring to when one parent has a career break due to child care. In the majority of cases, it tends to be the woman who is the sahp.
FWIW, neither myself or any of my friends stopped working after having children either

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And that should not mean we assume or expect that it is going to be the woman who takes time out to look after children. It’s just such an old fashioned expectation.

We need to have a different mind-set and not make women the default child carers.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 21:52

valentinka31 · 07/01/2025 20:41

Now I am going to sound like a bit of a loser here, I think, but then I have been through rather a lot and lost a huge amount due to a bad relationship. So, I would be over the moon for him, and I might just say ok, I love the place, the job (by your description) is great and salary very generous, and he can't imagine doing anything without you. Personally I'd be happy with all that. I wouldn't want to make him give up his total dream in order to be with me. I'd want to be with him. And then do that for some time. And work out a different way to achieve my own goals. Over time.

It's hard to say exactly when I don't know quite what your job is, what the new one is, what you'd be leaving behind, if you have to really leave it or could do remotely, etc. But I do know that in your position I'd be saying ok we are a couple and this is the next big step. Because if you'd got your total dream you'd want him by your side too.

That he did it 'in secret' seems to me like he had to focus on this purely himself, and see if he could get it. And he did. I think it's supposed to be a beautiful surprise for you.

It's life. He went for it. You're a couple. So in your place I'd find a way to work with it. Because I wouldn't want to give him up or make him give up his dream. And I'd find a way to have mine too.

So you'd forgive him the lies and deceit? You have lost due to a bad relationship but can't see what is so deceitful and domineering about what he did? They aren't a couple. Partners, proper partners don't do this shit to the person they should care most about. And they don't think that fait accompli is a beautiful surprise.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 21:54

Does anyone else worry a bit about some of the responses on here? The "oh he meant well...he wanted to surprise you....the ignore how he did it"?

LaLatina · 07/01/2025 22:00

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 21:54

Does anyone else worry a bit about some of the responses on here? The "oh he meant well...he wanted to surprise you....the ignore how he did it"?

Yes, some responses are profoundly disturbing.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 07/01/2025 22:02

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 21:54

Does anyone else worry a bit about some of the responses on here? The "oh he meant well...he wanted to surprise you....the ignore how he did it"?

I think it's important to remember on threads like these that there will always be a contingent of posters who need to validate their own choices to themselves, and will use a post ostensibly directed at the OP in order to do it. Sadly it means that there is always a minority of persistent but genuinely dreadful advice and it takes an astute OP to ignore it.

TheRoundaboutHadLovelyFlowers · 07/01/2025 22:06

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can see that the main concern is the duplicity. I mean what if you go there and then he gets another dream job in another country without consulting you? That seems like a real concern.

I'm not really an LTB kind of person, but that possibility would really worry me.

TheRoundaboutHadLovelyFlowers · 07/01/2025 22:07

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 07/01/2025 22:02

I think it's important to remember on threads like these that there will always be a contingent of posters who need to validate their own choices to themselves, and will use a post ostensibly directed at the OP in order to do it. Sadly it means that there is always a minority of persistent but genuinely dreadful advice and it takes an astute OP to ignore it.

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That's very true. I think some of the posts are just the poster using MN as a place to get therapy for their own troubles.

StrikeForever · 07/01/2025 22:07

Ceramiq · 07/01/2025 18:45

I don't think that the fact that your husband applied for the job without telling you is either here nor there. The only thing that matters is whether or not you want to go with him now. Get over the fact that he didn't discuss it with you earlier and get into the nitty-gritty of what life would be like for you if he did accept the offer and you did go with him.

I don’t think that is neither here, nor there. It speaks volumes for how much he values her opinion. Couples with a good relationship would at least casually chat about such things.

AnotherEmma · 07/01/2025 22:12

Bloody hell. I would be furious that he got this far without discussing it with you. He didn't have to ask your permission, but he could at the very least have told you that he was applying (with or without your blessing) and given you time to process it.

I know what I'd do if this was me. I'd file for divorce. It's the fact that he made a unilateral decision without even telling you. That's not a marriage. It's so disrespectful.

Wooky073 · 07/01/2025 22:13

a quick thought - to help you make your decision why not arrange some flights and go and see the place / area / meet the people you would be working with and find out more about the job...... to help you make an informed decision? You could ask some good questions and find out if your own goals might be achievable there. Also see if you think you could form friendships over there? That would be an important part of starting a new life, everyone needs support networks. At least you are then making an infomred choice.You may feel better about it once you can get a picture of what your future might be like. If it doesnt feel right then say no and your relationship will need to see if it can survive long distance.

You could also surprise him with a job offer in another country that you have received which is an amazing opportunity and which means he will need to follow you there - just to see how he takes to role reversal

Look into the future re if you have kids and they are born there and the implications for their legal citizen status and what if you split up etc.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 22:14

Wooky073 · 07/01/2025 22:13

a quick thought - to help you make your decision why not arrange some flights and go and see the place / area / meet the people you would be working with and find out more about the job...... to help you make an informed decision? You could ask some good questions and find out if your own goals might be achievable there. Also see if you think you could form friendships over there? That would be an important part of starting a new life, everyone needs support networks. At least you are then making an infomred choice.You may feel better about it once you can get a picture of what your future might be like. If it doesnt feel right then say no and your relationship will need to see if it can survive long distance.

You could also surprise him with a job offer in another country that you have received which is an amazing opportunity and which means he will need to follow you there - just to see how he takes to role reversal

Look into the future re if you have kids and they are born there and the implications for their legal citizen status and what if you split up etc.

And that will fix the partner being a lying deceitful untrustworthy weasel?

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 22:17

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 07/01/2025 22:02

I think it's important to remember on threads like these that there will always be a contingent of posters who need to validate their own choices to themselves, and will use a post ostensibly directed at the OP in order to do it. Sadly it means that there is always a minority of persistent but genuinely dreadful advice and it takes an astute OP to ignore it.

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Yes I guess its like the posts that are a litany of brutish selfish behaviour ending with "but he's a great dad."

Katej82 · 07/01/2025 22:25

LaLatina · 07/01/2025 22:00

Yes, some responses are profoundly disturbing.

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Yes although I said I'd be off I would if hubby discussed this and planned together. Seriously I find this worrying south America also I feel like saying what's he up to what else has he not told OP

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2025 22:36

Katej82 · 07/01/2025 20:55

Me I'd be off like a shot! But of course I would not be happy about not discussing it all beforehand it's a huge decision leaving your own families and uprooting children. Personally the UK has very little good to offer.But I do find it odd why he did all of this without discussing it with his wife.. did he tell you why he never told you the plan?

He tells her because he knew she’d love it , when he’s lying, and also because he knew she’d argue, when he’s feeling more honest. They’ve had discussions about their goals and she’s been clear this is not going to meet her goals for a few years, so he didn’t tell her because she might have objected. Lying tosser.