I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

In academia, it's not uncommon for a Professorial appointment to also come with a job for the trailing spouse if from overseas. At this level vacancies are few and far between so I can see him thinking that it was a "now or never" thing. But as my grandad used to say it's amazing how often once in a lifetime opportunities come along.

He's been totally unreasonable in not telling you. And he may have thought that you wouldn't agree to him applying for it, so he went ahead hoping that if it was a fait accompli then you would be more persuadable.

At the end of the day OP, he's put his career before you and that shows where his priorities are. Is this a man you could rely on if you fell sick or lost your job?

I think he was not honest about waiting, thought he could, or changed his mind. Regardless, it seems he also felt he couldn't discuss it with you. That's the discussion you need to have - and possibly what the future of your relationship is because it sounds like each of you prioritize careers (and one of you doesn't want to move).

I don’t understand that either! Are you famous OP? Why would they report this in the Daily Mail? 😂

I think to even consider doing something like this your relationship must be very strong with absolute trust. He has abused the trust, and taken you for granted and shown that he has the say about huge decisions that affect your life - if you disagree you are in the wrong.

It's all very manipulative and how did he keep such a secret?? Is he a spy??

I would worry about the seeds of resentment being sown. My husband joined a touring band (he also worked full time) after my daughter was born, without asking me, away all weekend for many weekends of the year, and left me literally holding the baby. I remember he said, after he had told me and I told him how unfair he was being and that if he couldn't do it he would always resent me. He didn't seem to care how much I would resent him. Kind of a death knoll for us.

What possibly could go wrong in South America

So if you say no will he turn the job down? (Sorry if you’ve already answered that)

He is just a man who is after the money; imagine his adrenalin, the money, the adventure. Well, yes, actually he has the female also, but as it happens to be his wife, he forgot to tell her. That is the wrongdoing

He probably thought he wouldn’t get the job. So no need to rock the boat...

I can see that thinking.

however it’s selfish to not discuss at all. It’s probably because he thought you’d say no.

It may be possible to go but to say only for a fixed period.

but if you are planning on having kids with him, I might end it now. He sounds selfish and career only kind of guy.

Sounds like he’s going with or without. What does that say about him when he hasn’t given you any information in advance about this possibility?

You’re a partnership he should have told you, sought your opinion. Discussed feasibility and mutual benefit, not just his
Both my partner and I have relocated for jobs pre kids but we negotiated with each other and full disclosure

yeap stay put. He literally takes away all you know and expect you to jump for joy.

when he is finishing his contract. He can come back and discuss with you what you both wants next 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you mean ‘Mr.’, or more correctly, ‘Senhor’!

I would not have kids overseas in these circumstances and if he is showing himself to be secretive in making life changing decisions. He could have told you about applying for the job when they requested an interview but chose to wait until right at the very end. Why was that?

A warning. If your marriage ends while you are both overseas and you have residency in that country and you have kids, there may be some difficulties in being able to return to the UK with the kids, if your DH remains in South America. This depends on if the country is signatory to The Hague convention, which is an international agreement designed to stop child trafficking but which in practice, makes it difficult for parents to return to their home countries upon relationship breakdown, if the other parent is still overseas. It has affected me, so just a heads up on this possible risk.

I would address what he has done through marriage counselling rather than set the tone for the rest of your marriage by being a compliant, trailing spouse who isn’t told of major decisions.

Link

They pull a thread and report on it literally every day. Latest being the Dyson Air wrap saga.

I wondered this too.

Given the type of work / organisations that work across multiple countries and can offer a job for a spouse too I guess this is a high profile type job. It sounds also from what you have said a bit mens club / old boy network. That is unfortunately the way that society seems to be structured regardless with slow proress on change. I can understand how and why you are understandably upset. In fact a lot of this situation sounds like misogany and old boy club. I think you are probably also upset at that which has been a shock realisation for you. Breaking it down there are a few issues

• An important process happened which you were excluded from by someone you trusted, despite the process impacting your life greatly.
• Important decisions were made and arrangements were made about your life and career without consulting you (the job arranged for you) which has taken away your autonomy.
• Assumptions were made that you would follow the path of the wishes and life choices made by the big almighty man - who by doing what he did has belittled your value and your career
• Now if you reject the proposal to stand your ground on someone taking away your autonomy you look like you are being difficult and ruinining the great opportunities. Yet if you accept the plan then you are concerned you are accepting always having your autonomy taken away by the big man, and that he may do something similar in the future meaning you are always in his shadow and less important than him.

I think the best thing to do is consider how much you value your relationship with him and whether this is worth breaking up over. I personally would love to try living in another country but I am an adventuring type. I would make him suffer for excluding you from something so important so he knows not to do it again and try and make him understand why you feel as you do. Then you need to consider if you would give it a go - you could surely always try it for 12 months? If you are not happy you return and he quits job and follows you home - that evens out the balance a little. Those are my thoughts - good luck ! x

in Fairness the DM does routinely grab and paste mumsnet stories. I can see why she’s being circumspect

I don't know this is tricky. You have to pay for healthcare in America so going there now you can work towards your healthcare if anything happens in the future. Anything can happen in regards to your career in this country and then you may regret not going if you lose your job. Down sides to moving to America you may divorce him, he may lose his job and then you maybe at risk. If you have children and you separate and he decides to stay in America then you have to as well for the children. More importantly guns. If you love eachother and can see a future in America then go.

This happened to a friend of mine too (so it certainly does happen) except she wasn’t offered a job. She went with the move, they had children so that meant a change of schooling etc. she had no idea he had applied for the job too!

they separated for 12 months after a couple of rough years, but are now back together and based in a new property. She seems happy enough, picked up some new hobbies. he seems to spend more time with the family unit and more “humble” than previously.

im not sure she will get back her old love for him, but they seem to have developed a new bond.

she travels back to the UK to catch up with family a couple of times a year, and family also visit her (which they didn’t when she was on her own).

only you will know what will work for you. I guess it’s between parking up the career you have, or parking up the Hubby either a temporary separation or FIFO relationship.

good luck .

I would address what he has done through a swift kick in the pants. He doesn't care what he has done and is in a hurry to take the job. What makes you think he would do counselling?

I would be massively pissed off even if I did like the job and change for myself.

You are right, its his thing to choose, not yours. Dont let him to put the gilt on you.

Yadnbu I think that's an awful thing he's done.

You're supposed to be a team. Big decisions should ALWAYS be made together and he's gone completely rogue on this and then blindsided you with it.

I think he's been supremely selfish and my guess is he's gone about it the way he has in order to try and force your hand because he absolutely remembers the conversation about your career and needing to wait. He just didn't want to do that. "He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him" these two things can't be true at once, which to me proves that this was a willful decision he made, and that he is now lying about it instead of being straight with you.

I wish I had an answer or better advice for you op but honestly I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes. The big red flags here are the manipulation, the secrecy and the lying about it, and the selfishness. All of those are traits that would make me incredibly uneasy about upending my life to follow him to a different country. I think in the back of my mind I'd always be wondering if he's capable of this then what else is he capable of lying about and what other unilateral decisions would he make to further himself at my expense. Because that's what he's done here, he's pushed you down in order to move himself forward and that should never happen in relationships unless it's a mutual decision.

I think if it was me, I'd actually take some time away from him in order to really reflect on the relationship and my options. To think about what I want for life and what this move and new job would offer me and I'd also be thinking very carefully about how these traits have played out before and if this is just an escalation of behaviours that he's already displayed in less obvious ways. I think you need to make it extremely clear that this is potentially marriage ending stuff and that he's betrayed you and now he's gaslighting you instead of just being honest about it.

I don't think I'd go truthfully op unless it can be a step forwards in your career or give you the life you want. I just don't think I'd trust him enough to sacrifice so much and put myself in such a vulnerable position. I'd be inclined to follow your original plan and further your career and work towards moving yourself there on your terms if that feels right to you. If you make it work, you make it work- if you don't then that's his doing. I'm sorry, ending a marriage is a huge thing but I'd really worry that he just expects you to spend the rest of your life submitting and putting yourself in second place in order for him to keep winning. If that's an agreement between you then fine, or if you both know it'll be temporary and then roles will reverse to catch the other person up... but that's not what he's doing here.

Sending you big hugs, I'd be really gutted.

That's a really sick response, and you know it.

i suspect your husband knew full well how you’d respond. I think he has decided on a fresh start and isn’t really bothered if you don’t go.
If he is as self-centred and brass necked generally this is part of the course.