Page 20 | I have no words. What do I do?

justwantavirtualhug · 2025-01-06T08:19:02+00:00

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it. He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career. He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that ^he^ has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do. Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go. PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Onelovemumma · 07/01/2025 18:09

So is this all down to you?
You'll be the bad person if you don't go.
Will he leave you and go if you don't want to or will he consider your view and stay?
Looks like you don't have many options and it's potentially the end of your marriage which is just so super sad.

Delphigirl · 07/01/2025 18:21

He didn’t discuss it with you because your opinions aren’t as important to him as his career and he thought if he presented you with a fait accompli - triumphantly, waving this amazing job around like a gold trophy - you would have to say “golly aren’t you amazing” and go along with it.

In other words, he is entirely selfish and self-focussed and he does not view your marriage as a true partnership. I’m sorry about that. I think it would be a mistake to go in those circumstances.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/01/2025 18:23

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 09:42

Thanks again everyone for all the comments. A few people have asked how I'd have felt if he'd asked in advance or if he'd let me know he wanted to apply. It would still have meant a sacrifice for me, which we'd already agreed not to make at this point (but probably down the line). It would have been a lot easier to consider taking a hit sooner for a husband who had included me and treated me like an equal. I'm genuinely proud of him for getting this amazing job, despite the way he's gone about it, and we could have thought about it together. But I just feel so manipulated and upset.

Ooooo… this is bad. The reality is at some point in a marriage someone will have to sacrifice some aspect of their career. This was not the way to go about it. And if I’m honest I’m not sure what I’d be willing to do at this point in your shoes.

I think you both need to sit down with this (after the shock subsides a bit) and discuss.

From your point of view I really would lead with where you ate with all of this including how you feel about the way he went about this. He has to really understand this is not ok and marriages have ended for things like this.

Then you both need to be upfront about what you each really want and are willing and able to compromise on.

GregT · 07/01/2025 18:25

He may have done it as a surprise, or that Nj he wouldn’t get it. Insecure?

or threw hat into ring and was successful, then didn’t know how to tell you.

probably realise she hade a mistake now.

solution:

go with him.
dont go, he goes and does some months at that level to get experience, then leaves for another similar job
if you listed to the extreme (imho) views here: divorce him.

listen to his reasons and tell him what you think.

in future (assuming) you have kids, that has a career impact (probably) so act as a team - unless he’s an a-hole. Keep working whatever happens!

im expecting some flack here, but not trying to be contentious.

best wishes for whatever happens.

Pliudev · 07/01/2025 18:31

Mrs. Mandelson, is that you?

StrikeForever · 07/01/2025 18:33

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:44

Posts sometimes get reported on by the DM or similar sites. Can't imagine why they'd be interested but it does happen, so just in case, I'm hoping if they know the details aren't accurate it may put them off bothering.

Show quote history

To be fair inaccurate stories are usually their MO!

I’m sorry you are in this situation. He has/is behaving like a dick!

BeensOnToost · 07/01/2025 18:35

Why did he do it that way and how long do you have to decide?

If my DH said he applied for interview practice and didn't think he had a shot, I could understand that. And if I had 3 months to decide, I'd be OK with that.

I'd be livid if he applied 3 months ago and given me 1 week to decide.

You don't have to decide now, you can wait.amd he can go alone to begin with.

StrikeForever · 07/01/2025 18:36

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 09:10

We had previously discussed doing this "one day", and agreed that "one day" had to be at least several years away because it would screw up my career to do it sooner. He says he forgot.

And now that you’ve reminded him, what does he propose?

Julietta05 · 07/01/2025 18:36

I understand how you feel. I think it is unreasonable for him to expect you drop everything and go. First of all he needs to acknowledge how lack of communication and openness (being secretive) made you feel and that would be my concern. If he does not consult you on such a big thing as moving to another country I cannot imagine what else he may omit!!

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 18:44

Julietta05 · 07/01/2025 18:36

I understand how you feel. I think it is unreasonable for him to expect you drop everything and go. First of all he needs to acknowledge how lack of communication and openness (being secretive) made you feel and that would be my concern. If he does not consult you on such a big thing as moving to another country I cannot imagine what else he may omit!!

This.

Ceramiq · 07/01/2025 18:45

I don't think that the fact that your husband applied for the job without telling you is either here nor there. The only thing that matters is whether or not you want to go with him now. Get over the fact that he didn't discuss it with you earlier and get into the nitty-gritty of what life would be like for you if he did accept the offer and you did go with him.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 18:46

BeensOnToost · 07/01/2025 18:35

Why did he do it that way and how long do you have to decide?

If my DH said he applied for interview practice and didn't think he had a shot, I could understand that. And if I had 3 months to decide, I'd be OK with that.

I'd be livid if he applied 3 months ago and given me 1 week to decide.

You don't have to decide now, you can wait.amd he can go alone to begin with.

If that was the case, he probably wouldn't have been shortlisted. Even then why not tell your partner?

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 18:48

Ceramiq · 07/01/2025 18:45

I don't think that the fact that your husband applied for the job without telling you is either here nor there. The only thing that matters is whether or not you want to go with him now. Get over the fact that he didn't discuss it with you earlier and get into the nitty-gritty of what life would be like for you if he did accept the offer and you did go with him.

Again its not about the job. He drove a truck through the trust and honesty that should be the bedrock of a partnership. Its nonsense and patronising to say "get over it"

Elenasunshine · 07/01/2025 18:53

I might be in the minority here, but I wonder whether your DH didn’t want to discuss it before he was offered it was because he really didn’t believe he’d get it and didn’t want to jinx it or unsettle your current life by bringing it up? It’s your decision now and he’s got to respect that and react accordingly. Personally, I feel life’s too short and careers can be resurrected; I’d go for the shared adventure of life with your husband. Good luck either way ☺️

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 18:58

Elenasunshine · 07/01/2025 18:53

I might be in the minority here, but I wonder whether your DH didn’t want to discuss it before he was offered it was because he really didn’t believe he’d get it and didn’t want to jinx it or unsettle your current life by bringing it up? It’s your decision now and he’s got to respect that and react accordingly. Personally, I feel life’s too short and careers can be resurrected; I’d go for the shared adventure of life with your husband. Good luck either way ☺️

Wanna buy a bridge?

Deedles610 · 07/01/2025 19:01

I think people are being a little unfair on your husband. Have you asked why he did all this behind your back? My guess would be that he threw the dice in the air thinking there was zero to little chance of getting the job, but then it unexpectedly paid off. Sometimes people don't want to speak about dreams or aspirations, even with loved ones, for fear of jinxing it. You're supposed to be a partnership. How hard would it really be to go with your husband (who's supposed to be a best friend and soulmate) to a part of the world you both love, for what's his dream job and great money? I have no idea what either of you do - but people rarely get their dream job. You might love your work but is it in the same ballpark, on paper and emotionally, for you, as what this opportunity would offer him? Sometimes we make sacrifices in relationships for the sake of our partner. He may return the favour at some point in the future. As you haven't mentioned children and schooling, I'm assuming that's not a factor? But if you don't have them but want to start a family, this could be the ideal opportunity. Personally, so long as the application wasn't an eff you and was simply a longshot he never thought would happen, I'd treat this as an adventure. You have a job if you want it. And once there, you could look for your dream job too. You literally don't know what doors might open to you. Could you agree to give it a year and take a sabbatical from your current role? Then if it doesn't work out, you've given it a shot and have something to fall back on. I guess this comes down to how much you want your existing status quo v being with your husband and giving him the chance at a dream job in an amazing place. An opportunity like this won't arise again (for either of you) and I suspect he would resent you more for the what ifs of not going than you'd resent him from giving it a go and treating it like a gap year. I definitely don't think your marriage would survive long distance. If it were me, I'd go and treat it as an adventure.

Lucyccfc68 · 07/01/2025 19:01

LaDeeDaDeeDa · 06/01/2025 08:30

Realistically if you plan to have children it makes sense to go with him if you will have a few years out of the work loop raising children.

Why would you assume that the woman is going to be the one having a few years out of the loop raising children. Are we still in the 1950’s?

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 19:03

Deedles610 · 07/01/2025 19:01

I think people are being a little unfair on your husband. Have you asked why he did all this behind your back? My guess would be that he threw the dice in the air thinking there was zero to little chance of getting the job, but then it unexpectedly paid off. Sometimes people don't want to speak about dreams or aspirations, even with loved ones, for fear of jinxing it. You're supposed to be a partnership. How hard would it really be to go with your husband (who's supposed to be a best friend and soulmate) to a part of the world you both love, for what's his dream job and great money? I have no idea what either of you do - but people rarely get their dream job. You might love your work but is it in the same ballpark, on paper and emotionally, for you, as what this opportunity would offer him? Sometimes we make sacrifices in relationships for the sake of our partner. He may return the favour at some point in the future. As you haven't mentioned children and schooling, I'm assuming that's not a factor? But if you don't have them but want to start a family, this could be the ideal opportunity. Personally, so long as the application wasn't an eff you and was simply a longshot he never thought would happen, I'd treat this as an adventure. You have a job if you want it. And once there, you could look for your dream job too. You literally don't know what doors might open to you. Could you agree to give it a year and take a sabbatical from your current role? Then if it doesn't work out, you've given it a shot and have something to fall back on. I guess this comes down to how much you want your existing status quo v being with your husband and giving him the chance at a dream job in an amazing place. An opportunity like this won't arise again (for either of you) and I suspect he would resent you more for the what ifs of not going than you'd resent him from giving it a go and treating it like a gap year. I definitely don't think your marriage would survive long distance. If it were me, I'd go and treat it as an adventure.

I've got two bridges 😂

Pickledpeanuts · 07/01/2025 19:04

I don't think I could get past the deceit, and the arrogance in assuming my career was his to sacrifice. I couldn't accept a marriage where I'm not considered an equal partner.
I'm sorry for you OP, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I hope you decide whatever is best for you

JMSA · 07/01/2025 19:05

Where your sense of adventure?! This is my dream dilemma

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 07/01/2025 19:05

I sympathise as many years ago my (still!) husband did something similar but not as extreme. Applied for jobs in London when we had a life ( and family) at other end of country. Discussed it with his dad (😒) but not me. Nearly got divorced over it. We did move and live a comfortable life, but every now and then I feel resentful over it, and wonder what my life would be like now if I had refused.Only you can know if you want to uproot yourself. Can you not delay your departure or is it a now or never?

JMSA · 07/01/2025 19:06

Whoops, I can see I'm the only one 😬

CliantheLang · 07/01/2025 19:11

JMSA · 07/01/2025 19:05

Where your sense of adventure?! This is my dream dilemma

"Without her consent" is literally a porn category.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 19:11

JMSA · 07/01/2025 19:05

Where your sense of adventure?! This is my dream dilemma

To be married to a lying weasel......low bar!

Janiebirdy · 07/01/2025 19:14

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 09:10

We had previously discussed doing this "one day", and agreed that "one day" had to be at least several years away because it would screw up my career to do it sooner. He says he forgot.

I don’t think he ‘forgot’. He’s applied secretly and now presents the dilemma which is tricky of him. He wants the opportunity but it will mean you sacrifice your own career development. Are you able to be flexible and let him go out there for a few years whilst you finish what you need to do? If not, stay firm and stay put which is incredibly tough but I think he’s out of order on this.