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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no words. What do I do?

703 replies

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:19

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

OP posts:
JustSawJohnny · 07/01/2025 14:34

Nordione1 · 06/01/2025 12:16

One of them has to chose. And a marriage is a team so maybe they could prioritise his career this time and hers later. Or maybe not go and prioritise the OPs. That's the choice. Or seperate obviously.
I wouldn't get too hung up on how he went about it. Idiotic and thoughtless amd immature but not necessarily symbolic of his character.

Show quote history

His behaviour would absolutely affect my decision process, in fairness.

You're only a 'team' when both members are baring you both in mind when making decisions.

They had previously discussed the move and agreed that she wouldn't be involved for at least a couple of years due to negative effects on her career but he went ahead and did it much sooner anyway, and secretly.

He's happy to put himself first and so should she, IMO.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 07/01/2025 14:51

I am someone who moved abroad for husband’s job (and gave up my career to do this) so I’m probably looking at this slightly differently.
overall, I would always advise someone to seriously consider an opportunity to move abroad. The thing is, change is always scary and requires a certain amount of sacrifice, but change also opens doors. I now have a different (better) career and am much happier (but don’t think I would have changed careers if I didn’t have to give up my job at the time to move abroad for my husband’s job). For what it’s worth: our move also came out of the blue. We had chatted about wanting to go abroad at some point in the future. One day my husband came home and said his employer had asked him to go abroad (to a country that wasn’t on our wishlist to ever move to). We already had 3 kids. But we decided to go for it.

From what you wrote it seems this is something you and your husband have discussed and wanted to do at some point in the future. So I can imagine your husband had expected you to be open to the idea. It also sounds like he hadn’t expected to get the job. (Has he explained how /when he applied?) From that pov I can somewhat understand how you both suddenly landed in this situation. It does also sound like a wonderful set up IF you want this. It’s rare for couples to both have a job lined up before moving abroad.
HOWEVER I agree with everyone that the way he went about it isn’t great. He should have run it by you when he applied, or at least when he got word they were interested.
The thing is, it’s done. You have every right to be angry at the fact he didn’t run it by you. But I think it’s also really important to look at your options. Basically together you can do one of 3 things: both go, both stay or separate. Hoe serious were you about wanting to go abroad somewhere down the line? (I ask this as you write that you like your life here now, but that life would change anyway if you were to move in a few years). How resentful are you going to be if you go? Do you have to stay in the job they organised or could you work into other jobs /careers there? How resentful would (both of) you be if you both stay and can’t go abroad further down the line? If you seperate, would you still want to go abroad at some point, or was it always more your husband’s dream? Is this the only issue in your marriage or are there more? How does your husband generally treat you? Are you equals, do you communicate well? (Based on my experience: a relationship needs to be strong to move abroad together. You really need to be a team). These are questions only you can answer but ones which will help you decide whether it’s worth taking the plunge or letting him go.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 15:17

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 07/01/2025 14:51

I am someone who moved abroad for husband’s job (and gave up my career to do this) so I’m probably looking at this slightly differently.
overall, I would always advise someone to seriously consider an opportunity to move abroad. The thing is, change is always scary and requires a certain amount of sacrifice, but change also opens doors. I now have a different (better) career and am much happier (but don’t think I would have changed careers if I didn’t have to give up my job at the time to move abroad for my husband’s job). For what it’s worth: our move also came out of the blue. We had chatted about wanting to go abroad at some point in the future. One day my husband came home and said his employer had asked him to go abroad (to a country that wasn’t on our wishlist to ever move to). We already had 3 kids. But we decided to go for it.

From what you wrote it seems this is something you and your husband have discussed and wanted to do at some point in the future. So I can imagine your husband had expected you to be open to the idea. It also sounds like he hadn’t expected to get the job. (Has he explained how /when he applied?) From that pov I can somewhat understand how you both suddenly landed in this situation. It does also sound like a wonderful set up IF you want this. It’s rare for couples to both have a job lined up before moving abroad.
HOWEVER I agree with everyone that the way he went about it isn’t great. He should have run it by you when he applied, or at least when he got word they were interested.
The thing is, it’s done. You have every right to be angry at the fact he didn’t run it by you. But I think it’s also really important to look at your options. Basically together you can do one of 3 things: both go, both stay or separate. Hoe serious were you about wanting to go abroad somewhere down the line? (I ask this as you write that you like your life here now, but that life would change anyway if you were to move in a few years). How resentful are you going to be if you go? Do you have to stay in the job they organised or could you work into other jobs /careers there? How resentful would (both of) you be if you both stay and can’t go abroad further down the line? If you seperate, would you still want to go abroad at some point, or was it always more your husband’s dream? Is this the only issue in your marriage or are there more? How does your husband generally treat you? Are you equals, do you communicate well? (Based on my experience: a relationship needs to be strong to move abroad together. You really need to be a team). These are questions only you can answer but ones which will help you decide whether it’s worth taking the plunge or letting him go.

Edited

We did the same as you, WE decided to go for it. In our case (and it sounds like in yours) even though the offer came out of the blue, there was never any secrecy, never a point where my DH moved ahead without discussing it with me and agreeing on the next step. That, IMO is the big issue here, not what the prospects of the move are but the fact that he drove a truck through the mutual trust and honesty that is the basis of a lasting relationship.

Emmz1510 · 07/01/2025 15:18

Even if this was arrangement you could get on board with, I still think the fact that he arranged it all without your knowledge and opinion is a deal breaker. How dare he? What about your friends and family?
Did the stupid twat think he would arrange all this in secret and present it to you in some romantic gesture as a fait accompli like ‘look at this magnificent thing I’ve done’?

Has he already confirmed it or does he have time to make a decision?

Because I would definitely need a few days to calm down and mull this over.

First of all, you need to think about whether this in itself means the end of the marriage for you. No one would blame you if it did, after all he has completely disrespected the partnership you are supposed to have and shown zero consideration for your thoughts and feelings? How can he possibly think that was ok?? Will he take it anyway? Even if you say you won’t be going? Because that would be even more reason for me to say goodbye.

If fundamentally you feel you want the marriage to continue, then it comes down to whether you feel it could work in South America or not. You may mull it over and decide it is something you want to at least try. In which case he is very very lucky you haven’t binned him and are considering giving it a shot.

If it’s an absolute no, and only you can decide this, and don’t let him make you think it’s you who is choosing between the UK and him because he’s the one who has done this, then you need to put the choice back to him. You tell him I’m not doing this, it’s not the right move for me, I have X Y and Z to think about here, now it’s down to you decide between the job or me.

What a horrible situation OP, I hope you figure it out one way or another.

BlinkingLight · 07/01/2025 15:29

This can happen, and is something that could happen also in academia/research, my area. Even in engineering/architecture I know people who have ended up moving long-term to SA with something that started as an initial temporary secondment (husband) and ended as a complete overseas package with a big promotion, internation school for children, job for the wife etc in a very short time.

In your case, it looks like he's already chosen between career and marriage, based on the fact that he is assuming you will chose marriage and go with him, so he can have his career. You don't have children so that makes it somehow more complex, because you have less 'complications' to uproot yourself and move, but he has put you in a very complicated position. Ultimately, without thinking about your career only, what life do you want? For me it would be about that, as that brings together, career, lifestyle, leisuretime, money etc...Careers come and go, life experiences, not so much! On the other hand, what would happen to you career wise if you break up? Only you can decide about this, and whether you can trust again your husband as a partner.

Cherrysoup · 07/01/2025 15:46

Appalling for him to have done that. My db told his dw his job (emigrating, basically) was 'temporary'. Don't know how she didn't just tell him where to go.

I think he has fatally damaged your relationship, whatever you decide to do. Stupid of him. Could he have persuaded you eventually even if your career were to take a hit? I know you already discussed not doing this for several years.

Confusedmeanderings · 07/01/2025 16:02

PacificAtlantic · 07/01/2025 13:25

Is there a middle ground option to spread the risk?
If you both go and it turns out his job/the company don’t work out then getting back home and settled again would be really tough.
How about he goes and does a year in post, if by then it’s still amazing you would have more confidence/job security on which to base your decision. And the year apart may give you time to evaluate your relationship.

I absolutely agree with this.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 07/01/2025 16:06

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 06/01/2025 19:56

I moved across country for my ex getting his dream job. Timing was bad as I'd just established myself working in our new location when Covid hit. I found it incredibly isolating. My new work situation came second to his big job. Everything revolved around him. He also was putting in looong hours. I stuck it for a couple years after Covid was done feeling i owed him to try and it was just incredibly isolating and I felt second class my job was never going to be on his level and as I'd changed my whole life to accommodate him that then seemed expected in other things.

When I moved home I couldn't pick my old life back up as it was. Ex didn't do anything wrong really but it was shit for me.

Things to consider:

  1. His reaction to you needing time to think. He is showing your work and life are irrelevant to him when it comes to his career. This is who he is and you can't change other people so can you live with this?
  2. Will he get lots of praise for his big difficult job? Are you ok with all family and friends being more interested and asking after him than your job and new life. What if no one ever acknowledges you have moved county while bleating on about how amazing your husband is for doing it and also having the stressful/high responsibilities job etc.
  3. are you good at making friends? DO NOT MOVE if you struggle socially and building a new life will be hard for you.
  4. discuss money. Check the laws on money/divorce in the county. Know what you are getting into. Will you personally be better off with this move or will he be keeping the profit for himself? Is life more expensive in the new country and can you afford a good social life there?
  5. is it safe for women. What are the abortion laws. Is rape in marriage lawful. Etc

Personally id never do it after the experience I had but if you know what you are walking into then it's different. You say it's a step back in your career and with the attitude coming across from your OH I'd say you are not walking into the best situation. But it depends on quality of life in the future, retirement, if you want/have kids. I could have been happy when I moved had I made friends easier, the house was massive and beautiful and the area was brilliant for young children etc but all that meant for me was more housework etc. had I had access to his money and used that to outsource all the housework and childcare that was dumped on me as I didn't have the "big job" maybe I could have been happy and adjusted to being the support partner while he was the main event if I'd been able to make friends before Covid

So sorry you had a tough time of it. This is an absolutely amazing response though. Great checklist for the OP. Really useful.

Mix56 · 07/01/2025 16:09

There is another very similar thread currently.
The same principal remains.
He can choose to go or prioritize his marriage.

Mix56 · 07/01/2025 16:13

Obviously there is also the very crucial issue of what happens if you were to have a child & then your marriage crumbled & you wanted to leave ?

SoNotMyMonkeys · 07/01/2025 16:21

He didn’t even tell you he was thinking about it or applying for it… if it was this important to him, you should have been the first person he spoke to about it. You’re supposed to share hopes and dreams and doubts and fears and make decisions together.

I’d choose myself. I wouldn’t uproot my life for someone who very obviously was trying to manipulate me into doing something that might not be in my best interests and that would isolate me from my support network.

TBH, I think in secretly applying for this, he’s already made the choice about career and marriage.

Follow him if you want to be an uncredited extra in his big blockbuster movie.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 16:24

Mix56 · 07/01/2025 16:09

There is another very similar thread currently.
The same principal remains.
He can choose to go or prioritize his marriage.

could we see a link please?

Mathsbabe · 07/01/2025 16:42

We, now retired, faced these kinds of events over our working life. It seemed to me that there were three things to weigh up, my life, DH life and our marriage. I found a good job opportunity when DH had recently started a new job. I looked at all ways of making both jobs work and couldn't so I moved on. Before the closing date DHs firm made most of the staff redundant and his job looked very insecure. He came home and suggested that I apply for the job.
Unnecessary information is that I was the higher earner.
I applied for, and got, the job, DH changed job and we moved.
This was not the only example of managing life changes and for us it worked

Mix56 · 07/01/2025 16:51

International move tearing relationship apart www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5239159-international-move-tearing-relationship-apart

LynetteScavo · 07/01/2025 16:55

I can totally imagine the scenario of how you could also be offered a job - but is it a job you want to do?

While it's totally understandable that you would feel furious your DH has kept you in the dark, it would be sensible to seriously consider if it's the life you would like to live before telling your DH to go or not go without you.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 16:55

Mix56 · 07/01/2025 16:51

thank you, I remeber it now, its not the one I was thinking of but sad that there are a few of these threads.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 17:07

LynetteScavo · 07/01/2025 16:55

I can totally imagine the scenario of how you could also be offered a job - but is it a job you want to do?

While it's totally understandable that you would feel furious your DH has kept you in the dark, it would be sensible to seriously consider if it's the life you would like to live before telling your DH to go or not go without you.

and again I point out that its not about the job but about the massive breach of trust

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 17:09

Mathsbabe · 07/01/2025 16:42

We, now retired, faced these kinds of events over our working life. It seemed to me that there were three things to weigh up, my life, DH life and our marriage. I found a good job opportunity when DH had recently started a new job. I looked at all ways of making both jobs work and couldn't so I moved on. Before the closing date DHs firm made most of the staff redundant and his job looked very insecure. He came home and suggested that I apply for the job.
Unnecessary information is that I was the higher earner.
I applied for, and got, the job, DH changed job and we moved.
This was not the only example of managing life changes and for us it worked

same here but we (and you) did it as a team without lies or secrets.

LearningToMum · 07/01/2025 17:37

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. When are you supposed to give an answer to whoever has hired him/you?
Don't tell me he has already gone and accepted their offer...?

This isn't it at all. You're right to feel angry, betrayed, and like the rug has been pulled from under your feet. So sorry, OP.

LearningToMum · 07/01/2025 17:39

SoNotMyMonkeys · 07/01/2025 16:21

He didn’t even tell you he was thinking about it or applying for it… if it was this important to him, you should have been the first person he spoke to about it. You’re supposed to share hopes and dreams and doubts and fears and make decisions together.

I’d choose myself. I wouldn’t uproot my life for someone who very obviously was trying to manipulate me into doing something that might not be in my best interests and that would isolate me from my support network.

TBH, I think in secretly applying for this, he’s already made the choice about career and marriage.

Follow him if you want to be an uncredited extra in his big blockbuster movie.

This! The problem began the minute he chose to apply for this all by himself with no discussion.
V disrespectful of his spouse, and his marriage. Nope.

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2025 17:44

From the ‘how to gaslight your wife’ textbook:

’He has applied for a job abroad without discussing it with me’

’He has arranged a job abroad for me, without discussing it with me’

’We had agreed we may do it in the future but agreed that it should wait. He forgot and did it anyway’

‘He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him’

‘I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose’

Op, if your marriage breaks down because of this, be ready for him to lay ALL of the blame on you.

CantGetDecentNickname · 07/01/2025 17:49

Sadly, it looks as though he has already chosen his career over his marriage and is trying to paint things to not appear to be the bad guy here. I have lived in another country and the first 6 months are the worst while you try to settle into a completely different culture, make some friends, work, get every day things working (getting electricity, gas etc in a new place). You can feel very lonely and that you don't fit in.

To summarize:
it wasn't a joint decision,
there was a huge level of deceit coupled with ongoing misogyny,
he knew you weren't up for a move at this time and ignored your thoughts/wishes,
it would adversely affect your career (probably permanently).

In the light of this, I really recommend that you let him go on his own. He can't then spend decades afterwards blaming you for stopping his golden opportunity (something he is almost bound to do if you do ask him to stay) and can't blame you for any impact it has on your relationship since he will be the one leaving. Tell him that you'll consider joining him in 6 to 12 months and spend that time here really focusing on your career and promotion prospects which will be easier for you to do without having him around. You can let others know that you were completely kept in the dark about this and don't let him blame you or use you as an excuse when he has to tell the company that you have turned their job offer down. It's not on you, it's on him.

I'm not saying LTB, just to let him do his thing and then see how it goes. You need more time to make a decision this big and he has deliberately not given you this so take the time that you need and let him do the settling in by himself.

godmum56 · 07/01/2025 17:56

it occurs to me to wonder if the job is one where its "expected" for him to have a permanent partner? I know they are getting rarer and its an old fashioned concept but I do wonder if that is a part of lying ratfaced weasel's problem? No wife, no job?

helpplease01 · 07/01/2025 17:59

What stands out to me is the fact he is v upset at the prospect that you won’t go!!!!!
It says alot about how he puts his needs over yours. His choices over yours. I’m guessing he’s the main bread winner by a long shot?
He’s effectively thrown a grenade into your life and getting annoyed your not going along with his unilateral plans for it

fairytailcat · 07/01/2025 18:04

Wow

Where in SA? Do you speak Spanish/Portuguese?