I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Not forgetting it's Extra Tricky to forgive someone who isn't sorry.

I agree with you, he has put her in a situation where every choice loses her something.....but if this is what the man is like then one something is already lost. From my POV and unless she is prepared to recognise that the marriage as she knew it is gone and she is happy to accept a different form then she can't choose the marriage that she had. I understand that right now it feels like choosing between career and marriage but its actually bigger than that, its a choice between a life with agency and freedom of choice and one where she can be railroaded into things and put up with it....that's why she has time.

Forgiving someone who isn’t sorry is more about freeing yourself than excusing their actions. It’s an act of self-care that allows you to release the burden of anger, resentment, or pain that can weigh you down. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget, condone, or reconcile; it simply means you’re choosing to let go of the emotional hold their actions have over you.Its a gift to yourself, acknowledging the hurt, processing it, and then deciding that you won’t let it define your emotional state or future. It’s about regaining your peace, regardless of their recognition or remorse.

It's quite frustrating to be unable to defend myself against posts saying I'm inventing this (mostly based on being offered a job without discussing it) without risking outing myself. I'll just say that someone upthread has already said their company does this, and someone else mentioned MoD/other government do it as well, so it may not be common but it does demonstrably happen.

It happens quite a bit in academic research too.

I am so sorry this has happened to you @justwantavirtualhug .
I understand that sometimes "the dream job" might come up at an unexpected, or inconvenient time, and I understand your dh's desire to apply for it however there is absolutely no justification for him not discussing it with you when he decided to apply.

@MobilityCat
Hmmm. I'd call that accepting rather than forgiving.
To me acceptance is freeing yourself, and forgiveness is something gifted to the wrong do-er.

I see what you're getting at, even if I disagree with your semantics.
However, you can't jump ahead, and it's far too early to be talking about forgiveness when op has only just discovered the betrayal of trust and hasn't even processed the implications and begun to work out her response yet.

Agreed. I don't really think the OP should be prioritising freeing herself via forgiveness when the more pressing issue is he might be imminently taking off for South America without her and leaving her with a shitload of rent/mortgage to pay on her own.

And forgiving isn't very easy (for serious matters) even if you take the view it's for your own benefit only. And if we can agree on that, we can probably agree it is extra tricky if the other party is not sorry.

I disagree. Forgiving someone who isn't sorry gives that someone permission to hurt you again. This selfish man certainly would take any hint of forgiveness as such.

Ok, i'm going to come in with a different angle here. Do you think that he's the one and do you plan to have children with him one day? Now i'll probably get lambasted for saying this and undermining women's independence, but in my experience, if you have children, as a woman your career almost always stalls. Your salary and position as a woman usually take a beating. Meanwhile, the man's salary continues to grow. If you are thinking of having children and have the security of marriage with regards to your finances, then it may be worth considering this and supporting him as the main salary earner.

I spent hours working hard for my career and getting numerous additional qualifications and accreditations, only for me to be made redundant during my maternity leave (everything was done by the book and the process would have started upon my return to work). Once the kids came along they then became my priority and I was no longer so career orientated. I decided to become a SAHM for a few years which enabled my husband's career to flourish which funded me staying at home and doing all the childcare. So, if you are thinking of having kids and would like to spend time with them when they are young, it wouldn't be a bad decision to prioritise your husband's career if it means getting a good salary that benefits you both. I only know of two couples who both have high flying careers, but both spend a lot of money on Nannies.

It's just worth considering how much your career means to you not just at this point but also in the future. If you do decide to have children, it's not impossible, but is much harder for both parents to have full on jobs, particularly if you have to put in extra hours. Either way, one of you has to make a sacrifice here.

That's putting aside whether you wish to move to another country too in addition to his general twattery of not bothering to tell you.

As an aside, he could always go for a year and you both do long distance and see how he gets on and whether he enjoys the job before you make the move. The last thing that you want is to give up your job and find that he doesn't enjoy his new one.

" at the same time, I wouldn’t want that discussion or argument over something that may not even be a possibility."

This doesn't make any sense as a rationale.

Even a standard supermarket job involves multiple stages of application now, ffs, and this is a high level one. Okay perhaps you could rationalise why he didn't tell her when he first applied, but by the time he got through several sift stages and he would have known getting it was a "possibility" and by the time he got to final interview quite a likely one. He had multiple opportunities to tell her.

You're right of course it is too early but I did say that there's no rush and to take her time to do what is right for her and to set boundaries to prevent him repeating this behaviour. My only concern is for her wellbeing and I'm sorry that it came across as semantics.

You’re assuming he won’t make the choice first. OP’s husband could accept the job without her reaching a decision if there is a time limit.

Is it possible to do long distance for a couple of years so that your career can be more established? My DH and I did this early in our marriage for 2 years. It wasn't easy by any means, but it did mean both our careers could flourish.

I don't call that forgiveness either...

Yes he could and then her choice would be whether she makes him do that....if he chooses to walk away then its his choice and not "look what you made me do" and if he chooses to stay then its her choice about whether he gets to stay with her.

Was there such a huge rift in trust for you to repair?

I think you’ve misinterpreted to try and give OP some power in this. He’s made his decision, OP can fit in or fuck off essentially.

yup, I agree with that. Her only power is in how she addresses it.

What would you consider forgiveness to be, then? It feels a bit dismissive to simply say that without providing your explanation as to why you think I'm wrong.

I agree with what you've said here, although in place of forgiveness I would use the phrase "letting go of the need for revenge".

@Mrsbloggz , thank you I completely agree with you. "Letting go of the need for revenge" shows the value of moving forward without carrying the burden of resentment. Thank you for sharing this thoughtful phrase which adds an important part to the thread.

Thank you😊
Having thought a little more about it I realise that even if I let go of the need to even the score I would be in 'once bitten twice shy' mode. In other words I would be very focused on out maneuvering them.
I would not be turning the other cheek!

How dare he?

Is there a middle ground option to spread the risk?
If you both go and it turns out his job/the company don’t work out then getting back home and settled again would be really tough.
How about he goes and does a year in post, if by then it’s still amazing you would have more confidence/job security on which to base your decision. And the year apart may give you time to evaluate your relationship.

It sounds like you're setting healthy boundaries and you are staying cautious, which is a natural response to your past experiences. Protecting yourself while you focus on staying ahead is a good approach, and it doesn’t mean you’re letting anything slide it’s about you finding a balance that's right for you.