I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Twenty years ago I was in a very similar position to you - secret job application, amazing salary and also by a strange coincidence South America, however there was no job arranged for me.

It's hard to describe how disorientating it is to have the rug pulled out from under your feet in this way. You thought you were a partnership and suddenly you're treated like a lesser being. If it had been discussed in the open I'd probably have been very excited about it, but as it was it felt like a betrayal.

I went but it badly damaged our relationship, I don't trust him wholeheartedly anymore. If I had to do it again I wouldn't go, I'd stay in the UK and concentrate on my career and see how the long distance relationship worked out.

would you be employed as a couple ?

He says it is unfair of you to ask him to choose between his career and his marriage, but that is exactly what he is asking you to do: choose between your career and your marriage. I am not sure you could have any clearer icon to represent that he sees you as less than himself. You asking him to choose: unthinkable! Unfair! Him asking the same of you: totally fine, how dare you even be bothered by it?

He is also asking you to move away from your family and support system for his career. Permanently. At the same time as your own career is undermined and made dependent on your relationship with him. If this move is the start of him showing that you are a mere pawn rather than a beloved (and equal) wife, then once your marriage fails, your job will also disappear, as your job there is basically a favor they are doing for HIM, so that they can recruit him. Again, this highlights how he doesn't see you, your life, your future, your wellbeing, as equal to his.

Last but not least, the extended deceit required to go through the entire application for a job in another country without telling you until it is a fait accompli. And his attitude that, instead of being apologetic for the deceit, he is offended that you don't like it.

To me, there is something a bit chilling about how he has gone about this, and the attitude you describe that is being displayed towards you.

I see your point, though I’m hesitant to fully agree. It’s true that jobs like this, especially with benefits for a partner, don’t come about suddenly there’s a lot of time and effort involved. Keeping it hidden for so long does suggest dishonesty on some level, and it’s certainly not just a matter of days or hours. While he might have initially been caught up in the excitement, it’s hard to excuse not involving the OP once things became more serious. Waiting until everything was finalised to bring it up does seem to reflect a lack of consideration for the OP and their role in such a major decision. But I'm hoping that with an open discussion with him to find a middle ground and perhaps find a resolution. Surely he can postpone the start date until this issue is resolved?

Based on the fact that he clearly values his career more than his relationship, I would not go. He is the one that has chosen to secretly apply so he must be the one to decide whether to take the job or stay with his wife.

So exciting to be treated like an afterthought?

Assuming that these jobs aren't a time limited offer, which we don't know. Most job offers have a defined response time which is not usually very long at all.

If they're happy to wait a while great. But particularly the job for op goes, then there's a time pressure or the opportunity you're considering becomes a different one.

If the jobs that are on the table for can wait maybe you're right.

And the loss of trust? The being treated like an afterthought? How are you going to fix that?

OP you cannot go. I mean, obviously you can but he has very clearly told you that you are not important to him. At least, not as important as a wife ought to be.

You absolutely should not put yourself in a vulnerable situation for a man who doesn’t value as highly as he should and who is quite happy to demand this sacrifice of you. This isn’t even sacrifice without discussion, it is sacrifice that you had discussed and agreed was not reasonable. What will he do next - when you are removed from your support network, have a lesser career than his, a lesser career than you could have had, and a job that was provided as a favour to him? You won’t become more important to him then, your newer, lower position will just reinforce to him that he is right to prioritise himself.

This isn’t love.

The only reason for going is if the move back to South America is an opportunity you can use to position yourself for an exciting single life there that you want more than you want a life where you are now.

They’ve already had that discussion and come up with a compromise, though. A compromise he had so much respect for he just totally ignored it.

I didn't say that it would be easy. Trust and respect are foundational, and when they're broken, it requires an intentional effort to repair on both sides. Op isn't being unreasonable and has been hurt. Forgiveness can be a powerful way to deal with hurt. It will free her from carrying the burden of anger or resentment, which can impact her mental and emotional well being. Forgiveness is often more about your peace of mind than the other person's actions. Forgiveness doesn't mean ignoring or excusing the behaviour that caused the hurt. It's important to acknowledge what happened and set boundaries to prevent further harm. Forgiveness is personal it doesn’t have to be rushed or forced. It's okay to take your time and decide what feels right for you

a thing to ask yourself is, if you did this would he follow you?

What a load of crap!

He has had many stages to complete in order to have got this dream job and at every stage, he has systematically centred himself and quite literally shut you out of his mind.

I am not sure I'd be able to get over this, to be honest.

I'm sorry that you feel like that. I value your opinion, but I'd appreciate if we could discuss this respectfully. You're entitled to your opinion, but dismissing it like that doesn't contribute to the conversation.

Respectfully its a load of crap.

Why do you feel that?

I didn’t think it was crap. Your opinion is t a fact and doesn’t warrant rudeness.

An additional issue.

IF you decide that this is an opportunity you would like, despite the way your DH has inveigled it, please investigate your immigration options carefully. Ideally you want some kind of independent working visa status, NOT a trailing spouse visa.

If you are to make a life and a career for yourself in this new country, in a less than idyllic marriage, then it is important that you are able to continue to live and work there, if you wish to, even if you end your marriage.

Without this, remaining in your marriage and in your job and in the country are intertwined, which can easily become messy, complicated, even coercive. If I were happy and settled in country, I'd want to disentangle my work and visa status from a rocky marriage and spouse as soon as possible.

You may still have negotiating options, particularly if you are sought-after in your own right, and especially as you hold an only-just-informed-last-minute veto over DH's deal.

I believe they'd already had an open discussion before he threw this hand grenade into their relationship.

justwantavirtualhug · Today 09:10
"We had previously discussed doing this "one day", and agreed that "one day" had to be at least several years away because it would screw up my career to do it sooner. He says he forgot."

'Forgetting' previous discussions does rather count against the value of future discussions to him. He'll just 'forget' them again.

Dream jobs don’t necessarily come up on schedule so sometimes you just have to grab the opportunity when it arises. I don’t think he intentionally rode roughshod over your feelings and plans to wait a couple of years.

He should have told you about the application, at least when he got further along the process and it was becoming more of a reality.

If you don’t want to go, you need to let him know and put the decision back on him. He can take the job or stay in his marriage.

I moved across country for my ex getting his dream job. Timing was bad as I'd just established myself working in our new location when Covid hit. I found it incredibly isolating. My new work situation came second to his big job. Everything revolved around him. He also was putting in looong hours. I stuck it for a couple years after Covid was done feeling i owed him to try and it was just incredibly isolating and I felt second class my job was never going to be on his level and as I'd changed my whole life to accommodate him that then seemed expected in other things.

When I moved home I couldn't pick my old life back up as it was. Ex didn't do anything wrong really but it was shit for me.

Things to consider:

1. His reaction to you needing time to think. He is showing your work and life are irrelevant to him when it comes to his career. This is who he is and you can't change other people so can you live with this?
2. Will he get lots of praise for his big difficult job? Are you ok with all family and friends being more interested and asking after him than your job and new life. What if no one ever acknowledges you have moved county while bleating on about how amazing your husband is for doing it and also having the stressful/high responsibilities job etc.
3. are you good at making friends? DO NOT MOVE if you struggle socially and building a new life will be hard for you.
4. discuss money. Check the laws on money/divorce in the county. Know what you are getting into. Will you personally be better off with this move or will he be keeping the profit for himself? Is life more expensive in the new country and can you afford a good social life there?
5. is it safe for women. What are the abortion laws. Is rape in marriage lawful. Etc

Personally id never do it after the experience I had but if you know what you are walking into then it's different. You say it's a step back in your career and with the attitude coming across from your OH I'd say you are not walking into the best situation. But it depends on quality of life in the future, retirement, if you want/have kids. I could have been happy when I moved had I made friends easier, the house was massive and beautiful and the area was brilliant for young children etc but all that meant for me was more housework etc. had I had access to his money and used that to outsource all the housework and childcare that was dumped on me as I didn't have the "big job" maybe I could have been happy and adjusted to being the support partner while he was the main event if I'd been able to make friends before Covid

For me this would be a ‘no’ a man that could make life changing decisions without me - secure me a ‘little job’ on the side and then cannot see that he should be making the same decision as me ‘my career or my marriage’ is a self centred, controlling prick. You are an equal in this marriage your opinion and your life is just as important as his.

I cannot believe he went for a life changing job without consulting you - who does he think he is? I am sorry but this imbalanced relationship would not be for me - I would struggle to trust him again - especially as he has ‘form’ for not remembering really important information that has been clearly discussed.

Surely thats his problem and one that he would not have had if he had been honest from the beginning?

Well yes, you're right, but that doesn't mean the consequences don't fall on op too.
Any decision from here she can make will cost her something, because of the way he's played this, and even though it's his fault and whatever comes his way he can only blame himself... she is still going to want to do whatever lands her with the least worst choice.

So your earlier point that she can just take her time simply isn't the reality.