I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

I couldn't stay with a person who had zero respect for me

He is so so SELFISH

I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose

I think, if he’s telling you it’s not fair to make him choose between his marriage and his job, then he’s already chosen. And it’s not you.

If you refuse to go with him, he might possibly stay, but I don’t think he’ll forgive you for not just going along with what he wants and I suspect your marriage will be over within a couple of years. So your only real choice is whether you put him first, accept his selfishness and uproot your life, or decide that you can’t spend the rest of your life trailing after him, and start getting used to the idea that he’s not going to be in your life anymore.

I think @Rubydoobydoobydoo was right on this. Friends' husbands who are like this have all gone on to second marriages - sometimes even three.

However there's a lot more to this than just "where they find themselves".

OP I think @Superscientist raises some really good points. For your own sake I think you need to be really sure on what the career implications are for you either way, in case the negatives might be less extreme than you fear. In terms of the marriage the exam question is not just how damaging it would be for you career-wise, but also how much your husband cares about that and whether it influences his decision to go or not. And on the first point - how damaging it would be to your career - that would be your assessment of the impact, not his.

@TempestTost does raise some really good points but such couple moves for jobs don't normally happen over the head of the spouse who doesn't want it. It's a much smaller ask of your partner to turn down a job than to relocate to another continent.

All the people I know who have emigrated have needed to be a really solid team to get through it. It tests the best of relationships.
Even when it's the idyllic ideal because you are so far away from everything you currently love, friends and family etc.

It takes graft to establish yourself and grow roots and feel connected to where you are - the way he has dropped this in your lap he has set it up to be the hardest it could possibly be - compared to being there with a glad will and a desire for the change - which you need to get through the hard times - because there will be hard times... you are losing things as well as him gaining other things! It's not all a bed of roses.

What a naiive and short sighted silly man.

And he has the audacity to say you are being selfish in objecting!!! He really did want to skip the hard conversation and go straight to the point of 'ok darling I'll just go and pack my bags' part without having to do any of the actual real work of listening properly to each other, talking about the pro's and con's discussing limitations / opportunities etc.

I have no advice what to do from this point as it is 'eat shit sandwich' whichever way you jump isn't it.

While your husband may have acted impulsively or selfishly in this situation, it doesn’t necessarily mean he intended to hurt you. It sounds like he was might have been swept up in the excitement and opportunity and didn’t fully consider how this would feel for you, or how it would affect your own career and life plans. Rather than seeing it as a choice between marriage and career, perhaps you can share how this decision has made you feel, not just about the move, but about the lack of communication. Then see if there’s a middle ground. Why can't you to pursue your own career goals in the new location? This decision needs to be a partnership, something you decide together, not something he assumes you will accept. It’s okay for you to assert your needs while also expressing your support for his ambitions. A resolution may take time and compromise, but with open dialogue, you might find a way forward that will suit both your marriage and your individuality.

Op is now scrambling to play catch up - research thye consequences, search her heart... all while he waits metaphorically arms folded 'have you said yes yet?'

Why oh why has he denied her the time to look into this and work out her position.

He hasn't got 'swept along with the excitement' he said he deliberately withheld the information because he didn't want an argument. 🙄

sonicetocomehometo good old predictive text - mediate rather than meditate

Surely someone who is swept up in the excitement excitedly tells his wife? Not calculatedly withholds the information to avoid an argument.

@TwinklyStarlight There are murderers who find second wives, a lot of women have very low standards, it speaks nothing to a man's general attrativeness

I wouldn't go at all. No way. Not away from my support network and because it's rewarding his secretive behaviour.

Not to mention that if they were that great they wouldn't need to be on their second or third marriages, as the first one would likely have been successful. A case of initial attractiveness followed by the difficulty of actually living with such a person.

What an absolute arsehole and liar

So…

He forgot….

and he didn’t tell you because… various conflicting made up reasons

if he can’t have an honest conversation with you, how can he expect you to move continents for him?

he needs to at least level with you.

I’d be raging…. given you are married and being practical I’d suggest some urgent counselling sessions.
id be contacting people now now ie leaving messages tonight
ideally you’ll need some one willing /able to do a “crash course” (ie 3 sessions pw for a week or two)
at the minimum it will maybe help him see what an arsehole he has been will provide space and a framework for you to start processing this.

nope. the opportunity crops up, you go home and TELL YOUR PARTNER....you say I know the timing is not ideal and I may not get it anyway but what do you think? When it happened to DH and I, I had just achieved a massive (3 grade jump) promotion so he knew what I would be giving up. WE that is BOTH OF US decided what to do.

I wouldn’t go. I’d be furious that he felt he could make such a big decision on my behalf. There’s a reason he hasn’t told you until now. How sneaky, controlling and manipulative. I’d tell him I’m fully willing to end the marriage because I won’t be going. In a marriage, both partners are supposed to discuss things, and certainly things as big as this. I can’t express how angry I’d be at him.

sounds like a thoughtless selfish arsehole to me. You are THAT excited and don't go home to tell the person who should mean the most in the world to you?

Exactly - life isn't scripted, things come up unplanned sometimes...

but this is a total rug pull... him skipping that necessary oh so tedious conversation he couldn't be bothered with has totally robbed OP of any chance to take on board the possibilities, digest this turn of events, ask question etc etc.

Literally the worst possible way of doing it, all to try to force her hand. Nice.

He forgot? My arse! He decided that your career was of no importance to him, and that he would back you into a corner by presenting it as a done deal. What a manipulative, controlling self-centred wankbadger of a man he is!

There are no children to tie you to this man. Personally, I would be reconsidering whether I wanted to be married to a man who treated me so cavalierly, as if I had no say in my own life. I'd be waving him off at the airport and then arranging my divorce.

"He is prone to main character syndrome and to being thoughtless. Nothing like this though."
Which could be read as 'his behaviour is escalating'. Which means any future main character syndrome/thoughtlessness will be on an even bigger scale than this.

Think about that.

If you go along with HIS plan, you will be in a foreign country without your current support network (friends, family, colleagues, neighbours) and could be isolated and absolutely at the mercy of a man who regards you as an accessory rather than an equal partner. A man who thinks nothing of rearranging your entire life without so much as informing you what he's doing. It would be very risky to go along with his current plan.

@WhereYouLeftIt 👌👌👌

Someone who is "swept up in the excitement" does not keep it a secret. Someone who is "swept up in the excitement" cannot keep it a secret. They are bursting to tell!

It was a VERY conscious decision to keep his wife in the dark. How long would have passed from being informed of the job, first interview, shortlisting, final interview, contract readied,'oh we need to offer her a job too, quick find something'? He kept schtum for a VERY long time. Not the behaviour of someone "swept up in the excitement" but the behaviour of someone prepared to put a lot of effort into getting their own way.

I don't know how long they've been together, is this how he behaves normally or was it quite out of character?

or is he finally showing what he is really like?

He should have told you and talked it through with you, before springing it on you.

Exactly this, you don’t get offered this sort of job (plus one for your partner) without a lot of time passing, a lot of communications etc. This is months of lying, not days or hours.

Yes conceivably he could have got caught up in the initial excitement but the moment he made it past the initial application stage, he should have told the OP. The fact he kept it secret until he could present it as a fait accompli tells you everything you need to know about how much thought he gave to the OP throughout this whole process.

Him presenting it as a done deal with no chance of you giving input is 100% a shitty thing to do and he needs to understand this.

I don't know what the right decision is, I'd need way more info - which I'm not asking for - but you do have all the info so you need to take some time to weigh up the pros and cons of staying or going and I think honestly you've the right to do that alone and take your time.

The main question for me would be, if you go and your marriage ends for whatever reason, resentment, affairs, death, natural falling out of love, etc is your job and housing still secure? How easy is it to move back home?

I don't envy you as its a difficult decision but just wanted to say it IS shitty what he did. It's life changing and without being overly dramatic, it's not quite, but it's close on the scale, to you getting pregnant on purpose without his knowledge/consent

She doesn't have to be playing catch up. She can just say that it will take her a certain amount of time to do her research, weigh pros and cons and so on.....the time she would have needed had he told her of the opportunity at the outset....and that he can wait or bugger off.
Does anyone else remember a similar thread around october/november time....the destination was USA.?