Page 15 | I have no words. What do I do?

Crazybaby123 · 06/01/2025 15:49

Is it something yoh had both discussed previously that you would like to live abroad? We did something similar and it lasted 2 years and we had the best time of our lives on that adventure. I did something similar where I didn't tell my DH until after the fact that I had the job and plan in the bag, but we had both previously discussed the fact we would love to do it if it ever came up. But I also would not have gone if he didn't want to go. We both had to be on board. In the end it was the best decision to go and we went. It was brilliant. It's the not the not telling you he applied and got the job that I would find concerning, but the not agreeing to discuss the option of not going. It's a big decision so he should be presenting you with a plan and option. I do also have a friend who's husband moved for work and she stayed in the UK for a year sorting stuff out then followed him out and this worked well for them.

JHound · 06/01/2025 15:51

Firenzeflower · 06/01/2025 08:22

He got a dream job with a dream job for you?
And didn’t think to mention it to you?
Gosh.
Well you can go or not go.

Doesn’t sound like it’s a dream job for her.

JHound · 06/01/2025 15:52

I think the fact that he went and applied without even thinking to discuss it is mind boggling unless he applied as a joke and never thought he would accept it.

He seems to think he is the main character and you his support act instead of a partnership.

Venicelagoon · 06/01/2025 16:01

Im sure the employer would have asked what your feelings were about the move. It would be interesting for you to ask your husband what he said.

Ramble through the bramble gives you excellent advice. Personally I think it might be exciting, but he should certainly have discussed it with you as a major commitment. I say that as my stepgrandson is accompanying his girlfriend to Australia in March. She has a contract for 2 years plus accomodation. He's giving up his job for her. Yet they dont plan to marry and no one in the family has even met her. He just wants to have a good time. My husband thinks they should marry and have kids but that's not what he wants.

AlphaApple · 06/01/2025 16:04

There is absolutely no way I would go with him. He has treated you abominably and no doubt it will continue when you are halfway round the world.

Superscientist · 06/01/2025 16:05

I would be furious!
My partner and have applied for less than ideal job for the relationship but promising for one of us but it would always be a discussion and we both agreed to make it work.

For me I would want an itinerary of the application process just how long has he kept me in the dark
What are the details of your job? Is it just something to keep you occupied for a few hours a day so you don't dwell on the situation your spouse has lumbered you with or is a role that has potential to be interesting and engaging even if not particularly useful career wise. I would have little patience for the former.
What would be your situation should you not like the job?
What are the options for you to build a supportive network around you?
How will yours and your partner work hours compare? How much time will you be home alone whilst he fulfills his career dreams
If living there isn't what you imagined will your husband support you and look for another job or leave you high and dry in a foreign country.

For me it wouldn't be an absolute no more like 95% chance of saying no and if he comes up with some spectacular answers to the above and he shows that whilst he has been exceptionally thoughtless and almost certainly manipulative he has considered how the pair of you will live your lives out there. I strongly suspect he hasn't and won't have the answers that will give you the confidence that your needs are and will be considered in his decisions.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 06/01/2025 16:10

I can't believe the number of apologists for this behaviour. He has seriously fucked this up.

He doesn't consider you a true partner. Only you can decide if there's any coming back from this. I wouldn't even consider staying in this marriage without serious couples' therapy, however.

OneAquaFatball · 06/01/2025 16:10

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 09:10

We had previously discussed doing this "one day", and agreed that "one day" had to be at least several years away because it would screw up my career to do it sooner. He says he forgot.

Extremely telling that he thinks this (utterly transparently bollocks) 'forgot' excuse does anything except emphasise his shitty behaviour. Wild that he thinks it's legit or acceptable to just 'forget' 50% of a partnership's red lines for a move halfway across the globe and that this somehow absolves him of wrongdoing even if it wasn't an outright lie.

OP, I am so sorry. This is nasty, coercive behaviour.

FinallyHere · 06/01/2025 16:13

I'm genuinely surprised by the number of posts suggesting all sorts of reasons for him taking such big decisions without any consultation with you.

Are people really prepared to have their lives turned up suddenly down by someone with no consultation? Don't get me wrong, I've moved countries and had brilliant, life and career enriching experiences.

It's the lack of consultation which would be a deal breaker for me.

What ever next? Have children and send them back 'home' to board without consulting you. Giving up the job and moving to an uninhabited island without consulting you. Put all your family money in his name only and not consult you? Where would it end?

My concern for the people on this thread who do not feel that they must have autonomy over their own lives knows no bounds.

Rubydoobydoobydoo · 06/01/2025 16:15

Hankunamatata · 06/01/2025 14:21

Well he has been super manipulative hasn't he.
Any decent person would have discussed anyone for the job with their spouse and discussed each step of the process.
Instead your being strong armed into making a decision

Has he? OP knows she married an ambitious man who likes to feel he's the main character in his life. I suspect most of us would like to think we're main characters, too. Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners. OP is clearly ambitious too and there's nothing wrong with that. She married him.

I thought this response from Tempest Tost put it very well.

“TempestTost · Today 11:07
I wonder if he didn't think there was no point creating an argument/discussion if he thought he wasn't that likely to get the post?
I would also say - as far as doing something like this "one day in the future" I think often that's not how these things work. Opportunities like that come when they come. If I were offered the chance to apply for something like that before I planned, I wouldn't be saying no, even if it was just because I would want to be seen to be interested for later on.
Personally, in your place as the spouse OP, if I wanted to do something like that ever, I wouldn't be worrying too much about career progression. Careers just aren't that linear, in many cases. Taking side roads might change what they look like, but it can often be for the better. And most people have long careers these days, especially of they don't have kids - lots of people have three or even four in a lifetime. There is time to get back on track, almost always, if you want.”
@Dery : I understand your annoyance and dismay but overall I agree with what ** has said, particularly the point about opportunities happening when they happen. Also, is it possible for you to be long distance for a year or two and for you to join your husband later?

I think this is a situation where two equal career-focussed people find themselves caught in a difficult situation. As Tempest Tost says, opportunities tend to crop up at highly inconvenient moments and not to order. It's never going to be easy.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 06/01/2025 16:23

I don't really understand those who think that it's a big deal. It would be a betrayal of trust for me. It sounds like he has more than a touch of main character syndrome.

I work in a sector that requires moves to other continents, but I'd never apply for one without talking to my DH first - heck, I wouldn't apply to a job across the road without talking to him about it! We talk about everything significant (or otherwise a lot of the time!).

Dotto · 06/01/2025 16:23

Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners

🤣

No I think most spouses would prefer to be respected as an equal partner, not lied to and not patronised.

godmum56 · 06/01/2025 16:29

Rubydoobydoobydoo · 06/01/2025 16:15

Has he? OP knows she married an ambitious man who likes to feel he's the main character in his life. I suspect most of us would like to think we're main characters, too. Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners. OP is clearly ambitious too and there's nothing wrong with that. She married him.

I thought this response from Tempest Tost put it very well.

“TempestTost · Today 11:07
I wonder if he didn't think there was no point creating an argument/discussion if he thought he wasn't that likely to get the post?
I would also say - as far as doing something like this "one day in the future" I think often that's not how these things work. Opportunities like that come when they come. If I were offered the chance to apply for something like that before I planned, I wouldn't be saying no, even if it was just because I would want to be seen to be interested for later on.
Personally, in your place as the spouse OP, if I wanted to do something like that ever, I wouldn't be worrying too much about career progression. Careers just aren't that linear, in many cases. Taking side roads might change what they look like, but it can often be for the better. And most people have long careers these days, especially of they don't have kids - lots of people have three or even four in a lifetime. There is time to get back on track, almost always, if you want.”
@Dery : I understand your annoyance and dismay but overall I agree with what ** has said, particularly the point about opportunities happening when they happen. Also, is it possible for you to be long distance for a year or two and for you to join your husband later?

I think this is a situation where two equal career-focussed people find themselves caught in a difficult situation. As Tempest Tost says, opportunities tend to crop up at highly inconvenient moments and not to order. It's never going to be easy.

Show quote history

its not the career focus or the taking side roads, its NOT TELLING HER!!!

GabriellaMontez · 06/01/2025 16:31

Wow. He's shown a total disregard for you. Your feelings/opinions/

I'd be very upset about this.

I'd be even more upset at the way he's tried to downplay his behaviour.

anchorage81 · 06/01/2025 16:32

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:19

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Can I go? 😁

Mirabai · 06/01/2025 16:33

OP knows she married an ambitious man who likes to feel he's the main character in his life. I suspect most of us would like to think we're main characters, too. Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners.

Attractive to whom? I think they’re twats.

This is a man who fails the waiter test with his own wife.

Suzuki76 · 06/01/2025 16:35

It doesn't really matter that it's about a job and move which may or may not be the bestest thing ever to happen to the OP. It's the same principle whether it's this, or putting an offer in on a buy-to-let, or putting down a deposit on an electric Porsche for 90 grand, or deciding your mum is moving in because she has had a few falls. You discuss things in a (decent) marriage.

WomenInConstruction · 06/01/2025 16:35

Wow!
He deliberately made a fait accompli so that you couldn't object even if you wanted to.

Give that man a medal for first class manipulation motivated by self interest.

Scirocco · 06/01/2025 16:40

"Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners" ... Nah, 'Selfish Twat' isn't an attractive category of man.

Naunet · 06/01/2025 16:44

Rubydoobydoobydoo · 06/01/2025 16:15

Has he? OP knows she married an ambitious man who likes to feel he's the main character in his life. I suspect most of us would like to think we're main characters, too. Those kind of men are often very attractive and sought-after as partners. OP is clearly ambitious too and there's nothing wrong with that. She married him.

I thought this response from Tempest Tost put it very well.

“TempestTost · Today 11:07
I wonder if he didn't think there was no point creating an argument/discussion if he thought he wasn't that likely to get the post?
I would also say - as far as doing something like this "one day in the future" I think often that's not how these things work. Opportunities like that come when they come. If I were offered the chance to apply for something like that before I planned, I wouldn't be saying no, even if it was just because I would want to be seen to be interested for later on.
Personally, in your place as the spouse OP, if I wanted to do something like that ever, I wouldn't be worrying too much about career progression. Careers just aren't that linear, in many cases. Taking side roads might change what they look like, but it can often be for the better. And most people have long careers these days, especially of they don't have kids - lots of people have three or even four in a lifetime. There is time to get back on track, almost always, if you want.”
@Dery : I understand your annoyance and dismay but overall I agree with what ** has said, particularly the point about opportunities happening when they happen. Also, is it possible for you to be long distance for a year or two and for you to join your husband later?

I think this is a situation where two equal career-focussed people find themselves caught in a difficult situation. As Tempest Tost says, opportunities tend to crop up at highly inconvenient moments and not to order. It's never going to be easy.

Show quote history

She also said career progression doesnt really matter that much and many people will have 4 over their lifetimee, so its not important he goes, is it? Or was that part just aimed at women?

He knew he was marrying a woman who cared about her career too and that she didn't want to move for a few years, but you fail to even mention that. And no, selfish men who treat women like an accessory, are not very attractive!!

Sunshine1500 · 06/01/2025 16:48

Wordau · 06/01/2025 08:50

I'd be annoyed, but personally I'd say fuck it and go, but for a set amount of time only eg 18 months - 2 years and make that very clear up front. It sounds like an interesting opportunity/ adventure and one that may not come up again.

This would the attitude I’d have.
don’t agree with him keeping secrets especially if it was to trick you, but if he’s genuinely wanting you both to move for a better life, I’d go.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 06/01/2025 16:49

LTB

WomenInConstruction · 06/01/2025 16:50

If he had discussed it you might have decided to give it a go.

But being there because you were boxed into a corner. I'm not sure I could enjoy it. I wouldn't be there out of my own free will.
he could have persuaded you, but chose not to as didn't want to risk you saying no. That's not a marriage of equals.

If this opportunity is so damn good, why didn't he share the preparation and excitement with you!?

4forksache · 06/01/2025 16:51

Fair enough keeping it secret if there was little chance if him getting it, although the more advanced it got he should have mentioned it, but the real deal breaker is him not presenting it as an opportunity for you to discuss and decide together.

His attitude is my way or the highway. That’s not conducive to a healthy relationship of equals and respect.

Patienceinshortsupply · 06/01/2025 16:56

I don't honestly know how I'd deal with this, OP. If you go, you may end up having an amazing time - or you could end up homesick and resentful. If he stays with you here, he's likely to end resentful and you're likely to end up walking on eggshells around him.

But, there is always a compromise and I think you both have an awful lot of talking to do to reach one here. I wish you the best of luck with it.