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Original poster

I have no words. What do I do?

703 replies

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:19

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 06/01/2025 14:13

Motnight · 06/01/2025 08:29

Is he always this controlling?

I am surprised that you have been guaranteed a job that you haven't applied for and haven't even spoken to the employer to be honest.

This happened with some friends of mine. He was a senior doctor, was offered a job abroad, and they said they’d guarantee a job for his wife who was also a senior doctor in a different specialism.

Onlyvisiting · 06/01/2025 14:14

That's outrageous- if he had submitted a pie in the sky application and never thought he'd get it but told you as soon as it went further then maybe. But this sounds like he must have gone through several stages of discussion to make it a definite offer and not told you for quite a while?
My take would be- assess the worst case scenario. If you move out there and your relationship breaks down, where would thst leave you? Would you still have the job, place to live? How will it affect you financially?
It sounds like you are taking all the risk and he is getting all the benefit, which would be bad enough but combined with the sheer arrogance and disrespect in thinking he can make a decision like that alone and you will just go along with it like a good little wifey I couldn't handle. I'd be out.
To survive a move like this this surely your relationship has to be rock solid and I don't see how it can be any more.

godmum56 · 06/01/2025 14:14

Dery · 06/01/2025 13:00

“TempestTost · Today 11:07

I wonder if he didn't think there was no point creating an argument/discussion if he thought he wasn't that likely to get the post?
I would also say - as far as doing something like this "one day in the future" I think often that's not how these things work. Opportunities like that come when they come. If I were offered the chance to apply for something like that before I planned, I wouldn't be saying no, even if it was just because I would want to be seen to be interested for later on.
Personally, in your place as the spouse OP, if I wanted to do something like that ever, I wouldn't be worrying too much about career progression. Careers just aren't that linear, in many cases. Taking side roads might change what they look like, but it can often be for the better. And most people have long careers these days, especially of they don't have kids - lots of people have three or even four in a lifetime. There is time to get back on track, almost always, if you want.”

@@justwantavirtualhug: I understand your annoyance and dismay but overall I agree with what @TempestTost has said, particularly the point about opportunities happening when they happen. Also, is it possible for you to be long distance for a year or two and for you to join your husband later?

Yup opportunities do happen when they happen but you DISCUSS them.

TeeBee · 06/01/2025 14:15

He was hoping to railroad you into it as it was already a 'done deal'. I'd refuse to go for this reason alone. Doesn't bode well for the future.

Newyearpug · 06/01/2025 14:16

In your shoes I would let him go alone
Take it in turns to visit each other every 6 months
Maybe he will decide after a year he's had enough and wants to come home

MLMsuperfan · 06/01/2025 14:17

I could see a scenario where I would apply for a 'very long shot' job without first telling my spouse, as I wouldn't want them to feel messed about if nothing transpired. Obviously though you don't present it as a fait accompli after getting an offer.

Hankunamatata · 06/01/2025 14:21

Well he has been super manipulative hasn't he.
Any decent person would have discussed anyone for the job with their spouse and discussed each step of the process.
Instead your being strong armed into making a decision

Ilovethatbear · 06/01/2025 14:22

How old are you @justwantavirtualhug ?

And how sure are you about never having children?

TypingoftheDead · 06/01/2025 14:23

Pippyls67 · 06/01/2025 14:09

I think I would strongly consider going to be honest. Many employers value breadth of life experience. Better still there’s the option of maybe starting a family and taking time out to do that there instead. Probably only if you can afford help though and there’s a strong expat community for emotional ‘support’. You’ll meet lots of other young mums though if you do the baby groups and play groups thing. Making friends is pretty easy as you’ll all be on the same page. It’s just a thought as it can be bloody lovely having enough money coming in to full time parent yourself plus get domestic help in the home. It all depends on what kind of salary he’s talking about I suppose.

OP already said they have no plans to start a family.

FinallyHere · 06/01/2025 14:32

That's one way to tell you he considers your role in his life is as a human support system even without his saying 'you are just my human support system' and see, I got you a job too.

I would not be prepared to stay with someone who took this approach to our life together.

We live in the UK and DH was offered a role based on the west coast of the USA. Not only did he discuss it with me from the start, when I said I did not want to leave my job he commuted two or three weeks at a time. Thats what being in barbershop means to me.

Pallisers · 06/01/2025 14:43

MLMsuperfan · 06/01/2025 14:17

I could see a scenario where I would apply for a 'very long shot' job without first telling my spouse, as I wouldn't want them to feel messed about if nothing transpired. Obviously though you don't present it as a fait accompli after getting an offer.

But would you apply for a very long shot job that required you to move thousands of miles away to another country without even mentioning it to your spouse?

handsdownthebest · 06/01/2025 14:47

Have You been discussing moving overseas.
My husband and I decided together that we move overseas with work, which we did and we’re overseas for nearly 20 years and 5 worldwide posting which we both enjoyed and raised a family at the same time.
it has to be team decision otherwise it might not work.

Naunet · 06/01/2025 14:50

Pippyls67 · 06/01/2025 14:09

I think I would strongly consider going to be honest. Many employers value breadth of life experience. Better still there’s the option of maybe starting a family and taking time out to do that there instead. Probably only if you can afford help though and there’s a strong expat community for emotional ‘support’. You’ll meet lots of other young mums though if you do the baby groups and play groups thing. Making friends is pretty easy as you’ll all be on the same page. It’s just a thought as it can be bloody lovely having enough money coming in to full time parent yourself plus get domestic help in the home. It all depends on what kind of salary he’s talking about I suppose.

Why on earth would you suggest having children with a liar, in a country shes unsure of, when that choice could trap her there? How bloody stupid.

September1013 · 06/01/2025 14:55

He is being hugely unreasonable to spring this on you as a done deal. When you’ve challenged him he has said “why should I have to choose” ie he doesn’t consider that there is any room for compromise and is expecting that you will go along with him.

I think you need to decide which you would prefer out of either going with him or staying but ending the relationship. If you choose to stay it’s then up to him to decide if he will go alone or not, and then if he stays it’s down to both of you to work out if you still have a relationship. Sorry OP, it really sucks.

Delphiniumandlupins · 06/01/2025 14:56

I think you are going to struggle to trust him in the future, not to make similar decisions on your behalf. I wondered if he had initially not told you about applying because he didn't expect to be successful but there must have been lots of times in the process when he should have raised it.

How would he feel if you, for example, stopped contraception/had a hysterectomy therefore unilaterally deciding whether or not to have children? He needs to acknowledge that he has behaved totally unreasonably.

teentantrums · 06/01/2025 15:04

This happened to me but the other way around - dh applied for a job in the country we were living in despite the fact that we had plans to move abroad. The first I found out about it was a colleague congratulating me and I knew nothing about it! It caused massive resentment. We are still together. He thinks it is in the past but for me it ruined our relationship. I realised that we were not in an equal partnership. I went to therapy for a while but actually reading this....I still have a massive chip on my shoulder about it! It has changed my whole life and I am meant to just accept it?

GameOfJones · 06/01/2025 15:17

You feel manipulated and upset because he has been manipulative. I would be devastated if DH sprang something like this on me without discussion at any point in the application or interview process.

It is a visible demonstration of what he thinks of your marriage. I.e. he is the main character in his life and you are there as his support. He doesn't view it as an equal partnership.

There is no way I'd move across the world for someone so manipulative. I would tell him he goes alone. That should give you the time and space to assess the marriage and whether it's what you want going forwards.

dontdoame · 06/01/2025 15:20

Only read your OP, but please OP, do not do this.

A man who would do all this and not even tell you. A man who just assumes you will give up your life and follow him. A man who does not understand that in a relationship, these big life decisions needs to be seriously discussed together and joint decisions made, all of these are signs of a man, and a relationship, that you should not give up your established life for.

I know this because I did this. My H just assumed I would follow and got so distressed when I wanted to discuss it, I did go. And it has destroyed my life and destroyed me. Don't underestimate the devastation of giving up what you have built in your life, your career, your friends, your home and community, for someone who just doesn't think that any of this is important, as you should just follow him.

Its not a choice between your marriage or career. Its a choice between yourself and a man who thinks you are an accessory to his life. You already said that he has main character syndrome. He is now showing you just how deeply that runs through him. Don't ignore it. Don't go.

In a choice between you and him, which is the choice he is demanding you make, choose you.

ScribblingPixie · 06/01/2025 15:26

Well, he's treating you as an adjunct. Just work out what's best for you, OP. No point messing with your career if you think your marriage might not last.

belle40 · 06/01/2025 15:29

Sorry OP. My exH did something similar but in the UK. Moved across the country having told me he had 24 hours to make a decision (huge lie). I was left commuting, reducing my hours etc. he did nothing at all to make life easier for me. He was away a lot and the expectation was that I would just drop everything. We lasted another 18 months.

Good luck with your decision.

Cavalierchaos · 06/01/2025 15:33

I don't think it's a huge deal that he didn't tell you because he might have thought he wouldn't get it.

However it's his choice now whether he wants you or the job.

Ceecee2422 · 06/01/2025 15:34

I’d be slightly peed off he hadn’t even mentioned it but I also personally like moving about so I’d do it for a few years for a change and to experience different parts of the world, we only live once……..

peachgreen · 06/01/2025 15:37

For me, this would signal the end of my marriage as my trust would be broken. Sorry OP, what a situation to be in.

BTW, I know a couple who would be in a similar situation – a job for him would mean a job for her too – so I can add to the chorus of those agreeing it can happen! (And no, they're not MOD or government workers...)

Wonderi · 06/01/2025 15:45

I don’t know if this is even possible but is there any way your job would give you a decent amount of time off (unpaid of course) for 6 months to a year to try out the new lifestyle/job or even wfh?
You may absolutely love it.

He has already chosen between his marriage and career.

And you have done the same.

I actually don’t blame or judge either of you.

I would be upset my DP didn’t tell me about the job sooner but at the same time, I wouldn’t want that discussion or argument over something that may not even be a possibility.

He would be mad to give up this opportunity and you would be mad to give up your career and lifestyle that you love to do something that you don’t want to do.

I wouldn’t fall out over it.
I would simply try a long distance relationship for 12 months and if it doesn’t work, then there’s nothing you can do but end the relationship.

How old are you both?
Were children on the cards?

dottiehens · 06/01/2025 15:45

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 09:09

It's quite frustrating to be unable to defend myself against posts saying I'm inventing this (mostly based on being offered a job without discussing it) without risking outing myself. I'll just say that someone upthread has already said their company does this, and someone else mentioned MoD/other government do it as well, so it may not be common but it does demonstrably happen. I appreciate those who are taking it seriously as I feel extremely alone and unhappy just now.

He is prone to main character syndrome and to being thoughtless. Nothing like this though.

Well if he is prone to that main character syndrome. Then you need to have a think about being with him any longer. Some people would be very happy to have a men who is a provider and that is ambitious. There are plenty of SAHM but may be you two are not very compatible on future plans and careers. Let him go by himself and there will plenty of women over there waiting for him with their arms opened. Unless, is Argentina where there is a big movement of extreme hatred to men like him or any men really. 😂