I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

He didn't forget anything @justwantavirtualhug , this was the job he wanted so he went for it. It's amazing how too many men still think their wives will follow them anywhere at the expense of their career, family, friends for the sake of him having a big job he wants.
He's shown you he thinks of himself first, that's not a good basis for a marriage

I think his main goal here is to screw up your career. He wants to make sure for once and for all that he will always be the star of the show, you will never be able to compete and he'll always be the one holding all the cards.

@justwantavirtualhug does he manipulate you in others ways in your day to day life, to get his own way?

Women's rights definitely a factor too as pointed out up thread. Plenty of places including a lot of the USA now too where you would be a secondary consideration in a life threatening pregnancy situation never mind just the factor of choice.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abortion_law

If not be able to get over him talking to the employer about a job for you, while you knew nothing. And not giving you the chance to even apply for your own opportunity out there.
There are a million choices he could have made but every one he did excluded seeing you as a sentient human being with their own free will.

"I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do!"

I totally agree with your point here.

IMO you can almost put aside how you got here. He applied for the job, maybe he didn't want to bother you with a pipe dream. Maybe he forgot the conversation about "not yet". These are not in themselves marriage-ending crimes. But now the information is shared. Offer is on the table, and you have made it clear that the new job offer would negatively impact your career. What makes or breaks the marriage is not how you got to this point, but how he treats you now. This is where he, as people say a lot on here, "shows you who he is". If he can't accept that he's the one being unfair then, as you say, main character complex and complete lack of respect for you as not only a person, but the woman he loves, sounds extremely unappealing.

This situation is not uncommon in academia. I know two couples where one has been offered a chair abroad and a job is semi-created for the other academic spouse. I guess it’s somewhat easier in academia as faculty can more often justify needing an additional teaching post. In each case it was a less attractive post than they’d have got in their home country (and they both knew of plans in advance).

I’d be troubled your DH didn’t tell you in advance, because that suggests he doesn’t feel he needs your love and support when he’s applying for a long shot (quite aside from the possibility he didn’t tell you because he knew you’d not want to go, which is an issue in itself as regards how he views you).

That aside his behaviour when he did tell you would be a huge problem for me. The emotional blackmail of putting himself first simultaneously with telling you you’re a bad person for putting yourself first is a red flag and would not bode will for a future abroad where you were, as others have said, a bit player in your own life.

Can you see if you can get a 1 year sabbatical from work and rent the house out

Say to him that you will give it a year. If you are happy then you will stay. If you are unhappy then you will be coming home with or without him

He knew that if you had time to weigh up and consider you would realize it's not in your interests. So he sprung it on you. When you didn't respond in the way he wanted he tried to make out that he was the victim and you are the one in the wrong.

I wonder if this is going to ruin his professional reputation and that's part of why he's so distressed?

The bottom line is you can't live your life with someone who pulls these stunts.

For all those suggesting this is a great time for children: having children when living abroad with a man who decided the OP should move there in such a high handed way is a high risk choice.

If she were to want to move back to the U.K. it would only be with his permission. At least without children it’s possible to leave.

I've only read the OP's posts but I'm troubled by how he seems to consider you a "passenger" on his ship, rather than a captain in your own right.
He's asking you to give up your entire life to hop onto his journey. After he's decided on the destination and the type of journey.

Are you a passenger or a Captain?

Are you fully human, or just an accessory to his life?

He chose his career over you, as sad as that is, he doesn't really think of you as fundamentally important. You are the little woman to trail along after him as he gets his big career break.

He did know it would screw up your career, he didn't forget he just didn't care because he thinks he is the main character in your relationship/life and you are just a bit part player. Do you want to be a bit part player in someone else's life?

I wouldn't trust him to hang around, frankly

For me, whether or not you want to move to this country and whether or not it might be good for you long-term would be irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that you're married to someone who puts his interests above yours, is selfish, manipulative, and you can't trust him. If you listed those characteristics and asked on paper would you marry someone like that, then you wouldn't marry someone like that. And yet here you are being asked to move to another country to be his support act, to your detriment. AND on top of that he isn't taking responsibility for what he's done, and instead is trying to put that on you. No fucking way.

I feel extremely alone and unhappy just now.
No shit. I'm so sorry OP, you must be completely blindsided.

Realistically if you plan to have children it makes sense to go with him if you will have a few years out of the work loop raising children.

This is super advice, OP. It makes complete sense for you to go to another country with a man who thinks you are a piece on a chessboard, give up your career completely, have a couple of children - possibly in a country which doesn't provide the kind of healthcare you would get where you live now, including dealing with miscarriage etc. and then when you've had your children if you want to move back you can't unless he agrees to it. Brilliant!

OP, I feel very sorry for you. You must feel so blindsided by this. What you really need to understand is he is not your friend in this. He will do/wants to do what suits him best. You won't get a gold star from the universe if you subjugate your wants and needs to his. you just get to go second. Personally the trust would be gone for me. And I did move for my spouse even though it did mean my career took an initial hit. It was the hardest thing I have ever done - and I had a supportive, grateful spouse.

His actions are the opposite of what a relationship should be. He shouldn't be making big decisions alone. Tbh I'd have lost all respect for him over this and wouldn't go.

I have a relative who works for the national trust as a ranger, as does her husband. If one of them is offered a job it usually comes with a house and the opportunity for the partner (if there is one) to have a job too. It's happened across the world for the various conservation jobs each of them have done. So there's another example!

This would be a deal breaker for me. I could not stay with a man who thought so little of me to do this behind my back. Trust would be gone for me. I would never feel secure in my life with him.

Just say if you moved and took up the new job and then he decided he did not like his new role and wanted to move would your job be gone too?

It's fairly common for high-profile jobs abroad to include something for the trailing spouse. For example, the Head Teacher at a fancy international school will probably have the school invent a role for their spouse (unless they're also a teacher). It's why international schools sometimes have jobs like "campus interior designer" or "school florist".
But OP, moving abroad is a huge undertaking and not something you should do "for" someone else. You will resent him for dragging you there every time you're frustrated trying to figure out how to get a new password for your online banking, book an eyetest or explain how to Facetime to your elderly relatives for the thousandth time. No matter how good the package is, moving abroad is sometimes challenging, frustrating and lonely. Of course it is also wonderful, but not if you don't want to be there!

Imagine if he didn’t want you to go…. Would he have just told you he was going as he walked out of the door? That’s what I’d be wondering

I think I would strongly consider going to be honest. Many employers value breadth of life experience. Better still there’s the option of maybe starting a family and taking time out to do that there instead. Probably only if you can afford help though and there’s a strong expat community for emotional ‘support’. You’ll meet lots of other young mums though if you do the baby groups and play groups thing. Making friends is pretty easy as you’ll all be on the same page. It’s just a thought as it can be bloody lovely having enough money coming in to full time parent yourself plus get domestic help in the home. It all depends on what kind of salary he’s talking about I suppose.

I would not move to another country with someone who went behind my back like this.

IF she planned to have children that doesn't mean that she planned to give up her career. Many people carry on working around their kids.

Don’t you dare go. My god. His behaviour is unbelievable.