I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Ah. So the truth is he didn’t tell you because he knew you would be unhappy and challenge him. In his mind, it wasn’t worth the argument for something he might not get.

But he hoped the excitement of acquiring this mega job offer, plus a side offer for you, would bamboozle you with awe annd amazement, and you would agree to it in the moment.

Very childish and inconsiderate to not include you in the decisions, and very selfish to not consider your life and plans.

I really don’t know what you should do. All I know is I couldn't bear to be in a marriage where I was considered such an unequal partner.

While I think it's wrong for him to have assumed that you would automatically go with him, I really don't get the indignation about applying for a job without telling you. Especially if he thought he had very little chance of getting it. I honestly wouldn't be angry about the application, more the assumption that you would follow him. What should have followed the job offer was a conversation between the pair of you where he asked what you thought about going.

Regardless, you've said that it is a dream job, amazing money, gorgeous location, etc. Given that you think it's wholly unfair that he applied for a job without telling you, don't you think you're also being unfair telling him to choose between marriage and this job? It sounds a bit like you're cutting your nose off to spite your face. I would take some time to calm down and really think about it. It also warrants a stern conversation/boundary setting for the future.

Yeah, he didn't forget. That's why he organised a job for you too, he knew full well what he was doing. I wouldn't damage my career for this man.

OP, recruiters trying to lock in a spouse is a massive red-flag. It's employers trying to guarantee "loyalty" from their employees, knowing that they can't leave without their spouse losing their job.

In fact, this exact scenario came up in a scene in Mad Men. Betty was given a job as a model for a Coca-Cola commercial, but she lost out on subsequent jobs, because her husband wouldn't sign with the ad-agency who produced the commercial.

Also, considering your husband thought nothing of only telling you till it was all done and dusted, means he won't give a damn if you lose this job when he moves on the next "dream" job.

Are you sure he wants you to go with him? He hasn't acted like someone who wants to continue being married.

This. I couldn't be with someone who thought it acceptable to keep me in the dark about something to fundamental to our lives. He's lied by omission, because he thinks his wants are more important than yours and he couldn't he bothered to discuss it like an adult first. "He forgot" about previous conversations my arse.

@justwantavirtualhug I can see how conflicted you are and what a difficult position he has put you in. FWIW I think I you need to say no, then view it as a test and sit back and watch his response. If he says something like "you are right, I'm sorry I blindsided you, I should never have done this without discussing it with you, I will deal with my own disappointment, it's my own fault for creating this situation and I take responsibility for that" (and then follows through) then you have a relationship you can potentially work with and you can work together to decide your future plans, whatever those could be with or without this job in the picture. However, if he puts ANY of the blame/guilt trip/manipulation/emotional blackmail on you then you know where you really stand with him and that he really only cares about himself. At which point I would be reconsidering the relationship and telling him that his reaction to you not doing as he wants was as much of a reason for that as the secrecy around the job, and that he only has his own behaviour to blame.

Good suggestion. This sounds like another way through. He goes to South America now: OP spends a couple of years consolidating her own career and working out whether she really wants to stay married to him. They have some great holidays together, spend whatever time they can share together. When OP has completed whatever it is she needs to complete and is able to consider working abroad, she can decide whether she wants to go to South America and whether she wants to remain married. Loads of people manage relationships like this. We have an academic in the family who's just taken up a job at a major US university. He'll need to spend at least six months of the year over there. Previously he was working in Denmark. His wife, also an academic, stays put in their family home and swears the distance between them has helped keep the marriage together.

Would you stay with an idiotic thoughtless and immature partner.?

And yes he should NEVER have done this, it's awful and manipulative and if you do decide to stay with him (not saying you should), he needs to fully acknowledge and admit that, rebuild your trust and know that if he ever tries to do something like this again it's game over.

Haven't RTFT.

If he "unexpectedly got" the job, then could this explain why he didn't tell you? He thought it was unlikely to get it so chose not to say anything if it turned out it didn't amount to anything.

I was going to ask how old you are - but what I was really thinking was any desire to have kids and how badly would this affect your career if the resentment meant the marriage ended and you came back. The kids is about how easy it would be to extracrt children if you had them, some countries it can be virtually impossible without your husband's consent.

I would be rethinking the relationship.

I genuinely do not understand why someone in a marriage would not say to their partner that they had appled for a job/promotion where getting the job would mean big upheaval. By me they should discuss it before expressing interst!

I think you just have to choose yourself - do you love him over everything and are you willing to go and make a new life for yourself with him? Or (and to be honest this sounds more like how it seems) do you choose your own life, your own path over him? There are no kids involved here it's just you and him so is he the love of your life and home is wherever he is or....not? Sounds like to me that he has chosen his life, his path over you.... I'd probably take this as a sign from whatever God you do or don't believe in to move on and he does the same. Good luck.

Well if you go with him, OP, this will be your life from now on - no consultation, no input, being a supporting character in your own life. If he can get away with taking a job on another continent and finding one for you too without even a hint that this is coming down the line ... imagine what else he will do once you cave on this.

Well, quite a lot of men are like that..and women obviously. But end up learning from mistakes and growing up as the marriage progresses. Marriage is also a series of compromises from each party as the years pass anf tolerance and forgiveness is important so you dont throw away something for reasons you look back on as not being that important (unless the OP herself cant get past it..only she will know that). The secrecy would not be a divorce issue for me or at least I'd want more information re his thought process and that would need a calm discussion.

Sometimes I look back on my 30s in particular and can't believe the sort of stuff I was furious about but now seem pretty minor issues.

I would be using this to the fullest extent. Ultimately I'd refuse to go with him but make him think I might go, then change my mind. Mess him around as much as possible, his reactions might give some indication as to what he's hiding.
He's taking the piss, you don't owe him anything and the gloves are off, you just need to be cleverer than him.

So the end of the marriage then really if you are going to play games with both your futures.

if my husband did this .... I'd be excited, shocked, but excited and discombobulated.

He's done it, knowing it's a part of the world you love. You're married. You can only now sit down and think about this very sensibly. Could it actually be a great thing to do? Where legally would you stand were you to get divorced in that country? How soon do you even need to do it? I wouldn't instantly press the eject button though.

Some of my family's best times when I was growing up were times living abroad. Different ways of life, new things, new horizons.

I wouldn't go. You're supposed to be married and he's kept this from you. It's not something inconsequential, this is life changing stuff and he had NO right to make that decision for you.

I couldn't trust someone after doing something like that. As if you'd just follow along like a loyal dog. It's disgusting behaviour.

I wouldn't go. He's shown where you sit in his priorities, and this isn't something he's done with you - it's something he's done to you and expects you to comply with now it's a done deal as far as he sees it. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, working as a team, not this.

This is such an important post x

Out of principle I would refuse to engage any further with discussions until he removed any suggestion that your marriage is dependent on you agreeing to this move. If that's how he feels then 'jog on and I won't be trotting off after you' I can 'sortof' understand him applying for the job without your knowledge so as not to cause unnecessary disappointment/stress. However he should have unequivocally worded it 'we will only do this if you're 100% comfortable' not the way he did.

If you can get past the insulting way he's pitched this to you then next things to consider are do you actually want to move to this country? You say you know it well so have presumably holidayed there but it doesn't sound like you have relatives there? What's it like to live and work there? What's the political situation like? It's possible that your country is not South America but South Africa, for example. This is a wonderful country but in a very procarious political situation and I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole for emigrating. In fact I have relatives who have moved from there to here before it gets too bad. What are women's rights like? What is healthcare like? Is it a reasonable place to raise children if you decide you want this or become unexpectedly pregnant? These are all massive issues to consider. You would be starting a new life together at the end of the day not having an extended holiday. You need to know that you're going to be safe, secure and have someone who actually respects you by your side.

“TempestTost · Today 11:07

I wonder if he didn't think there was no point creating an argument/discussion if he thought he wasn't that likely to get the post?
I would also say - as far as doing something like this "one day in the future" I think often that's not how these things work. Opportunities like that come when they come. If I were offered the chance to apply for something like that before I planned, I wouldn't be saying no, even if it was just because I would want to be seen to be interested for later on.
Personally, in your place as the spouse OP, if I wanted to do something like that ever, I wouldn't be worrying too much about career progression. Careers just aren't that linear, in many cases. Taking side roads might change what they look like, but it can often be for the better. And most people have long careers these days, especially of they don't have kids - lots of people have three or even four in a lifetime. There is time to get back on track, almost always, if you want.”

@@justwantavirtualhug: I understand your annoyance and dismay but overall I agree with what @TempestTost has said, particularly the point about opportunities happening when they happen. Also, is it possible for you to be long distance for a year or two and for you to join your husband later?