I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

His behaviour has been that of a single man. Taking such an important decision, he was happy to take it alone and exclude you from any input.
that says a lot about how he sees you and your relationship.

Since I'm assuming you've conveyed those feelings to him, what has he said today?

I can understand what your assumption is that he ‘purposely gave her no time to research’ but I don’t think that’s a given, unless I’ve missed an update pertaining to that.
I would assume OP would have a job contract in her own right? It sounds financially like this could set them up very well and I really would consider moving forward with this if OP would have the necessary protections.
As previously, I would also be annoyed but I do think it’s worth considering the possible benefits of this before LTB as many would suggest.

He doesn't treat you as an equal, so for me the marriage is now over.

Did his employer know it was a secret from you?

Could you live long distance while you work on your career? It sounds like you were planning to move there one day also, maybe join him in a few years? Assuming you are both still committed to each other.

It wasn't that uncommon in the previous generations for people to do this for work/finance/family issues. If no kids it makes it much simpler.

@saraclara is right. How’s he going to explain his decision to his employer. It’s either, he’s going as a single man or he cannot take the job. Would that not be a red flag for the employer? What if they decide to recind the job offer? Where does that leave him and you? He’s backed himself into a corner and the only option, for him, is you go with him. I can’t see how he can explain this to employer and the employer has clearly not done any proper due diligence in the application process.

Let him go. Long distance for a couple of years is doable. But only agree, if he applies for a job closer to home in 2/3 years.

Absolutely, do not go with him

I don’t think your choosing between marriage and career I think you’re choosing between his life and your life.

I'd actually warn to think even more seriously about it if they were considering kids. If the kids are born abroad they will likely have a passport from that country. What if they split up and the DH wants to stay there - OP can't bring the kids back home without his permission. She could end up stuck in a foreign country single with kids.

If you'd known about it all along and it was a choice between your life and and new opportunity that would be one thing, and tbh I'd personally still be very wary if you're happy with your life now. But if you move you'll be in a foreign country (if it is South American not even an English speaking one), where the only person you'll know is someone who doesn't feel the need to inform you about major life decisions and is arrogant to just assume you'll follow him. Where your job and (presumably) housing is all linked to his. I'd hate to be that dependent on someone I couldn't trust.

I also find it shocking he's trying to guilt you by saying you're making him choose between career and marriage when it's HIM asking you to do it, and blindsiding you at the same time whereas at least he actively made the decision to apply!

Huge red flags for me, sorry. tbh even if he didn't go for the job I'd struggle to see him the same way, and would worry how the marriage would turn out - would he resent you for him not following his big opportunity and every time something went slightly wrong would he complain 'well if we'd moved then this wouldn't have happened/we'd have more money,' etc.?

I would feel so hurt and angry. He had the gall to arrange a job for you without consulting you! And a job he knew was a step down!

If your relationship is to survive long-term, I don't see how you can accept this as presented to you. What would it feel like going into a job where your colleagues knew you had not got it on merit and you were acutely aware of what you had lost from the old job? Never mind the damage to your relationship with your husband and the resentment you may feel towards him when anything went wrong in the new country, plus the precedent it sets for him calling the shots.

If there are enough positives to the move though for it not to be an outright 'no', could you consider ways of giving you back some control and some thinking space e.g:

• tell him to go and you will decide whether to follow him within, say, 6-12 months
• say that if you go, YOU will find yourself a job, thank you very much, and if it takes a while for you to find exactly what you want, then you will enjoy a nice little holiday in the new country at his expense until you find one
• the 6-12 months will give him chance to check he really wants this job because there's no way you will be moving back just because he wants to, unless you want to
• during the 6-12 months apart he will regularly join you in online counselling to explore what has happened in your relationship to make him feel this behaviour was ok and whether the relationship is worth keeping

A secret like that breaks a marriage.
He didn’t tell you because he knew it would cause upset? That’s really bad.
He just hoped that you’d go along with it to not cause upset.
I am sorry but your marriage vows come first, and he’s broken them.
As there are no children involved, it would be over for me. If you went, and did end up having children, he knows he can do what he likes when he likes.

Did he wrongly assume you'd really want to go, and not say to reduce pressure on himself for the interview process?
If so I could forgive that, but he should be presenting it as "I've got this job option, I didn't want to say until it was sure but do you think I should accept it or not" not "I'm going to do this and didn't even discuss it before".

I actually think, given how your DH has behaved that the job and move are secondary at the moment. Your DH decided, for whatever reason, to exclude you from a huge decision that would ultimately impact you. In a marriage where both parties are supposed to be equal I am flabbergasted that he thought this was appropriate.

Is this a case of better to ask forgiveness than permission? In that if he got the job you may be annoyed/angry but it was done and you would eventually fall into line and move? Ultimately, the decision I think comes down to whether you want to stay in a marriage where your DH thinks the disrespect he has shown you is acceptable or if you believe you can move past this, you then need to decide if you actually want to move.

I would not keep such a big thing hidden from my husband or partner; I wouldn’t necessarily finish the relationship but I would ask him to go alone and see how it goes first, keep the relationship while you both decide the way forward

They’ve offered you a job without interview or even talking to you? How odd.

What kind of a marriage is this? Honestly OP, you and he are supposed to be a team, making decisions jointly. He has instead unilaterally uprooted your life, plans and future without even bothering to tell you that such an uprooting was on the cards. What will you do in this new country where presumably you won’t know anyone and will be in a ‘bullshit’ job made up to appease your husband and get him to his ‘dream job’. It sounds horrendous and he is lucky you are even considering it. I’d not agree to this. It sets up a terrible precedent for your marriage - all about him and his success and needs and you can just tag along and be happy for him? No way. Who wants that?!

No possible benefit beats loss of trust.

Not odd, maybe unusual. When late DH and I went to the USA for his job, I could have had employment with his company. We discussed it and decided no as we had dogs so I couldn't have been out all day.

I’m also on this side. Devils advocate in me thinks maybe he thought he hadn’t a cat in hells chance of getting the job so didn’t mention it until it was offered to him.

Having said that if it were my marriage I’d expect a mutual discussion deciding whether we were going to make the move even if it was after the job offer.

He says he forgot

Rubbish. He did this all underhandedly to try and force you to move and use the 'you're making me choose career or marriage' argument as additional leverage.

One of them has to chose. And a marriage is a team so maybe they could prioritise his career this time and hers later. Or maybe not go and prioritise the OPs. That's the choice. Or seperate obviously.
I wouldn't get too hung up on how he went about it. Idiotic and thoughtless amd immature but not necessarily symbolic of his character.

Years ago I was in a relationship where we were living together, heading for marriage and children. All going well but partner looking for his next job. I had been involved in looking at stuff with him, talking through, even visiting different sites. But then found he had applied for a job at the other end of the country without mentioning it to me. My job was not one which I could move and do. I asked him what his plan was if he got it. He told me I could come with him. I asked what if I did not want to, or could not move my job. And he got really angry and acted like I was unreasonable. I think a lot of men just assume their partners will move when they want to. It was the end of our relationship - even though he did not get the other end of the country job, I just could not feel the same way about him again.

I don't think you are making up the fact that your DH applied for a job abroad without telling you because that is exactly what happened to my niece. Her husband applied for his 'dream job' in Asia and didn't tell my niece; his reason for not telling her was that if he didn't get the job they didn't have to have the difficult conversation!

I largely agree with the above post - especially the part about going out there and visiting to start with etc. and not making the move yourself. This is what my neighbours have done - and wife is now joining DH 8 months as she missed him and the visits weren’t enough.

I do however feel pretty fed up with this country and my current life and weather and if I had no ties I would potentially feel quite excited about a job in a new country with a DH I loved… But I get that’s just me and my stage of life at moment!!
its definitely a decision that should have been debated and shared between the two of you. I hope you work it out x

”But I just feel so manipulated and upset”
The word manipulated seems very appropriate here. If he is so good he got this massive opportunity, is he really the same person who could forget you’d discussed this specific scenario and why it needed to wait.
I find it very hard to believe there wasn’t, at very least, a conscious ‘forgetting’ or choice not to actively recall your discussion. It can be very simple to ignore inconvenient information.
I’m so sorry OP