For feeling frustrated with my neighbours unintentional noise?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

I've lived in my house for 8 months. My neighbours are lovely. However they're elderly and I'm assuming quite hard of hearing. I say this because I can hear them shout-talking through the living room wall every day, even though our sofa is at the opposite end of the room to the shared wall. We can also hear their TV in our living room almost word for word. There are some days when they have music on and the sound coming through our living room is almost as loud as we would play it ourselves.

That isn't the issue though. It's just my explanation of why I think they're hard of hearing. Even if the noise is annoying its day time hours so I just live and let live.

The issue is, we share a bedroom wall. And they're early risers. They get up at about 5 every weekday morning, sometimes earlier. On a weekend I get a lie in because they don't get up until 6. Their phones are on loud all night and are so loud that the first time my husband heard it go off he asked me how I managed to set retro Nokia alarms on my samsung, and then told me to put my phone on silent. Their phones often go off and wake me up 3-4 times. The neighbours alarm clock also goes off at 6 every morning... despite the fact they're awake and shout-chatting. I have no idea where they got the alarm clock from, but it sounds like it's next to me when it goes off.

My ear plugs must have fallen out when I was asleep today, because the neighbours woke me up with their morning conversation at 4.40am. I can't even go back to sleep because they seem to stay in bed shouting chatting for a couple of hours every morning.

My 11 year old daughter is autistic, with learning difficulties and a sleep disorder. She wakes up between at any point between 1 and 4 every morning for a period of time needing reassurance and resettling, so between her and the neighbours I'm just not getting much sleep and I'm struggling. I'm also chronically ill and a lack of sleep aggravates my symptoms and means I can't function that day. I'm not blaming my neighbours for any of that. Life would just be a lot easier if I wasn't being woken up constantly by their noise.

In terms of reducing the impact of their noise - Our bed is on the opposite wall, but they're just SO loud it makes no difference. Moving bedrooms isn't feasible due to a small spare room. I can't move my 11 year old into the spare room and take her room because it's her safe space and the change would cause huge amounts of distress and anxiety and would undo all the progress we've made with her sleep.

I do wear ear plugs a few times a week but I can't wear them every day. I'm really prone to ear infections and ear plugs trigger them, so I can't wear them every day. I tried snooze band head phones on low volume to try and get around the ear plug problem. I've tried different genres of music, white noise, podcasts and audio books but it doesn't help because it just stops me winding down to go to sleep, and it ultimately makes me want to launch myself and the headphones out of the window.

We rent so we can't soundproof. We're also not in a position to move house, and I don't actually want to move because I like where I live and want to stay here until we can buy. I just want to be able to sleep until 630am without being woken up by neighbours.

AIBU for feeling frustrated? I feel like a dick because they are lovely people and I know it's not intentional on their part.

As an aside, I don't even know how to broach this with them because they are lovely and I don't want to cause offence. But I also don't want to be more sleep deprived than I need to be.

Also please forgive me if my post is written horribly. I'm functioning on about 90 minutes sleep 😬

They dont sound like "lovely" people to me.

Inconsiderate is a better word. Equally, no point telling us here if you wont tell them - they wont change until you do. On the presumption of course they change at all.

You can tell them and ask for reasonable adjustments without offending them (unless they are looking to be offended). They must know they have the volume up loud and speak loudly, so it shouldn't come as a complete surprise to learn that others might hear it.

Otherwise, if they still make too much noise, I'd look into sleeping in the main living area of your home, even if that meant an air mattress. Not ideal, but maybe better than what you're living with now.

Our lovely elderly next door neighbour stopped me for a chat and told me to tell him if his TV was too loud and could be heard through the wall, knowing he was hard of hearing.

I think definitely the early alarms is something they could fix, anything outside of normal daylight hours. Sorry to hear about it though, it sounds really tough!

Could you try listening to white noise on YouTube through a phone speaker on days you can't use ear plugs?

You need to talk to them and tell them how they are impacting your life, if they are as lovely as you say that will change asap if not complain to the council as even their daytime noise is excessive and their alarms are going off during the night (11pm - 7am)

The only solution is to have a chat with them, and at least ask for them to keep bedroom chatter to a minimum as its disrupting your sleep. They clearly aren’t aware they are making so much noise and if no-one says anything they won’t be more conscious about it.

Yes. Talk to them. I’m in a terrace and have checked with my neighbour whether we make any noise that disturbs her. We also message when we are having people over. They may be mortified and try and keep the noise down.

Is it a new build or old house? The noise levels sounds ridiculous so it’s not really their fault (as you have acknowledged). I really feel for you. It’s horrible to feel so anxious in your own home. Have you talked to the landlord about any soundproofing options?

Ok is there room for a large wardrobe on the shared wall? sturdy one, full of clothes will drown out a lot of noise. And/or white noise or a fan?

I'd probably say something at some point about how you can hear every word and marvel at them sitting in bed shout talking for ages after the alarm. But I'm not shy, I will tell people they are pissing me off.

Have you looked into noise absorbing art or wall panels?
I do not have personal experience of them but it sounds like something that could take the edge off. I know there are ones that are more like giant pictures, or I found these in a quick amazon search that would cover the whole wall.
www.amazon.ca/Soundproof-Decoration-Deadening-High-Density-Absorbing/dp/B0D54464QT/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?adgrpid=60877191573&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.BhuYtn8QdhinljW542miEuCdgvnVPjHUysScxbdWH0_9vniQFz-cWNvl9JqfAA9UJDeAoYoDNO9YXf_EotL6TjSHtj1VuqMJTgFU3MH0mRRBIsGpnuKrnqldY7Tm9aJXrStuX22ovzschEAMH4dYPhbHgWhySlGuxsrcxbMKr42uVQv6OF3tIdgYbEAGXw9_PhqDnb7KdMkUvKkVlkUuiw.yC-6YR-wrJa4iWvgF4iGJZBGzZERQZOZD26D1MwRKt0&dib_tag=se&hvadid=682785014104&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1001925&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=10551185346369938147&hvtargid=kwd-681092803088&hydadcr=16527_13613118&keywords=sound+dampening+art&qid=1736145291&sr=8-3

I think it’s time for that awkward conversation. It is not sustainable to continue with the current setup.

It's quite a long narrow room, so while they would fit on one half of the room where there's just a chest of drawers, they wouldn't opposite the bed. They wouldn't fit if I put the bed on the wall adjacent to the shared wall either because of how narrow the room is

They might be completely unaware that they are disturbing you, unlike @ridl14 neighbours who checked with her. But maybe they were only aware of the possibility because they had had previously been told. You need to talk to them and as they are otherwise lovely people you might find they are appalled to learn that they are disturbing you but also that their home is not as private as they had assumed it was.

I wouldn’t like my neighbours to be able to hear me talking etc. I’d feel like the privacy I would expect in my home was being violated even though it was absolutely not my neighbours’ fault. So having a conversation with them about it might actually be welcomed by them

I think I’d mention the alarms as they are the most intrusive and surely unnecessary for elderly people to have alarms to wake up so early?! They are also fairly neutral and seems less personal to say you can hear the alarms than them talking.
Hopefully they will realise that if you can hear the alarms so loudly you can hear other things.

If you're not willing to talk to them, can you sleep in the spare room for a few nights to catch up on your sleep and is your DD on Melatonin?

I didn't say I won't tell them. I said I don't know how to broach the conversation because I don't want to cause offence.

I'm neurodivergent and I really struggle with this sort of thing. I'm really really direct because I don't know how to fluff things up and "be nice". If you have any pointers on what to say then please let me know.

Just tell them in a warm kind way that you need them to be quieter at night because you can hear everything.

I do want to speak to them I just don't know what to say. Because I'm neurodivergent very direct/blunt and I don't want to accidentally upset them.
We're getting a bed for the spare room this week hopefully, and that's going to be the plan.

DD is on 6mg of melatonin to fall asleep. Without it she can be awake into the early hours. But it doesn't keep her asleep. She gets up needing reassurance between 1 and 4 in the morning with or without melatonin. To be honest she can fight the 6mg on bad nights and has stayed awake all night more than once. It's a bit shit

You need to talk to them.

I think a handwritten note would be good if they are hard of hearing. I’d also be off to the spare room for a while to catch up on sleep.

You say you can't move rooms because the spare room is small but is there room for just a bed? You could leave everything else in your current room.

You can get soundproofing panels that you could put up. They can be removed if you move out.

It is really difficult because they can't hear themselves, and they probably don't know how deaf they are. So if they turn the television to a normal volume they won't hear it, likewise the alarm. And even if they make an effort to be quieter, it may or may not work!

Have a word with them, because it sounds dreadful, but I'm not sure there is an easy fix.

They may not be aware. My elderly parents have got louder the older they have got, their TV is so loud now it's like sensory assault. But because it's a gradual thing they seem blissfully unaware. I would speak to your neighbours. The phone thing they can easily remedy and the talking in the morning too. Their TV is a bit harder. That's because they can't hear it at normal volume. They could stick subtitles on I guess. I suspect they haven't even thought about the impact they have on you probably because it hasn't occurred to them. I don't think you will ever have really quiet neighbours but there maybe things they can do which would reduce their volume sometimes.

I'm going to speak to them later this week. I just need to work out what to say.

When I say I can hear them talking, from my bed I can hear their voices, but for the most part I can't make out the words. It's a bit like when you're near a loud pub and you can hear the chatter very loudly but can't make out exactly what they're saying. Occasionally I can hear words if they're talking particularly loudly but for the most part I can only hear what they're saying if I'm very close to the shared wall.

It isn't a lack of privacy though. It's purely their volume. I'm friends with someone on my street whose house is the exact same layout, but she doesn't hear anything at all from them.